Sookie wants rid of hers, while Nora and Salome want to share Lilith's with Russell, Bill and Eric

By Mandi Bierly
July 23, 2012 at 06:22 AM EDT
John P. Johnson/HBO
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I would say this was the most action-packed hour of True Blood’s fifth season. The question is: Do you like total chaos? Because that’s where we’re at now.

So Roman is definitely dead. Russell was subdued with a light show and silver net — but not before he hung Eric on a column. “The view from up here is spectacular,” Eric said, keeping his sense of humor. Next we saw Bill and Eric, they were in a cell trying to figure out who’d set them up to fetch Russell so he could kill Roman. They accused Molly of being in on it since Russell’s iStake hadn’t worked. Why, when we’ve been guessing for weeks Salome was behind this, did it take them so long to figure it out?

They were summoned to see Nora and Salome, and Russell popped out from behind the bed’s curtains. “Fangs… you’re such boys,” he told Bill and Eric. “I’m not gonna hurt you. I just want to make an entrance is all.” God, Denis O’Hare is great. He couldn’t understand why Eric still wasn’t ready to forgive him for slaughtering his family. As we suspected, it was Salome who’d freed Russell from his cement grave. She’d conveniently followed them there the night they entombed him. Nora didn’t trust that Russell wouldn’t come after Eric, so she really was trying to save him, she claimed. I’m still a little fuzzy about why Salome couldn’t just off Roman herself — something about how he alone had to determine when his essence flowed (still pretty sure he didn’t choose for Russell to stake him, Salome). Salome tried to look upset about Roman’s death, but Bill wasn’t buying it. Bottom line, Salome wants to stop the spilling of vampire blood and have them all share Lilith’s power. Nora begged Eric to join them, knowing the true death awaits those who don’t. “Never, you Bible-banging c—s,” he said. Salome told them she’d give them one more chance at the following evening’s initiation ceremony.

At that ceremony, Salome said the book tells them that staking a Guardian is to turn your back on Lilith, but what do you do when the Guardian has already turned his back on her? Salome said she believes Lilith forgives Russell for what he’s done, and so does she. Russell professed his faux love for Lilith, and Nora explained that while Roman thought the bottle of Lilith’s blood was merely symbolic, it was actually her blood collected by her progeny after her death. Salome said everyone in that room would drink some that night. Dieter, bless him, tried to speak up. Halfway through his speech, Russell calmly undid the button on his jacket and took off Dieter’s head. “May Lilith forgive me,” he said, after kicking an organ into a pool of blood. Suddenly, Cougar Town’s Barb, the child-killer vampire, and Steve Newlin were ready to drink.

Salome passed the bottle around. Drinking off their hands seemed oddly unceremonious. Bill asked Eric if they were really going to do this, and Eric said it’s just vampire blood, they’re vampires, it wouldn’t do anything to them. Cut to them all walking down what I assume was a street in New Orleans, looking like a pack of college freshman on ecstasy on their way to a frat party off campus. After harassing a cabbie, Bill hopped on Eric’s back for a piggyback ride. Comedy. It felt kinda “Band Candy” to me.

NEXT: Russell sings

Lilith led them to a karaoke bar where a bride and groom were throwing what I presume was a rehearsal dinner. The bride was singing “You Light Up My Life” when Russell stepped out from behind her to join in. How wrong is it that I totally would have finished the song with him? The bride’s mother screamed when she realized who he was, and the other vamps showed up. The feeding frenzy commenced.

I’m not saying that one woman on the bar with Kibwe was at least getting a happy ending… but it looked like she was. Even without recent events, the scene would have been slightly uncomfortable. The vampire drinking from a young boy? Just sad. Finally, a drop of blood descended from the air, like Good Witch Glenda’s bubble in The Wizard of Oz. A naked woman arose from the blood/bad special effects, like Charlize Theron from her bath in Snow White and the Huntsman. She let out a freaky screech, and began to walk to Nora. She blew a blood-red cloud at Nora, and Nora began to feed again. They all resumed their killing. Godric appeared to Eric and told him he knows this is wrong but his sister doesn’t. He asked Eric to save her. When Eric looked at Nora again, he no longer saw Lilith standing in front of her. So Lilith isn’t real? The promo for next week made it seem like Bill is the one who doesn’t want to pull back. Interesting…

As for the hate crime story line, we picked back up at the anti-supe shop where the coroner arrived late. He had to tear himself away from a lady friend. Was it a fairy wanting to breed with him, or is every man — like the retired sheriff cheating on his wife with a woman and some experimental male enhancement ointment — just getting lucky these days? Sam really should have been wearing gloves if he was going to be literally sniffing around in the back, finding a box of Obama masks, and rolling around on the ground in the scent of bad diets, hate, and envy.

Cut to Hoyt, his old pal Joe Bob, and new buddies Ray and Tyrese waxing poetic about how the lamestream media makes them feel inferior for just being human. Hate groups, they said, are about more than hate — they’re about the love and acceptance the members feel when they’re together. Joe Bob took a call from “the Dragon,” who we’ve yet to ID, and Ray and Tyrese assured Hoyt that Jessica had essentially date-raped him while forcing him to care for her. Does he hate her now? Yes. “Then we’re here to hate her with ya,” they said in unison. The Dragon had told Joe Bob that Junior the shop owner had been killed. (Could the coroner be the Dragon, and he was late because they’d been out saving Hoyt?)

In the fairy Moulin Rouge, Sookie was sassy as ever when Claude and “one of the bitches that zapped me” woke her up after testing her luminescence, which is depleting. Jason wanted them to just plug Sookie back in and charge her up, but they can’t: Because she’s only half fae, her power is finite. If she’s not careful about how and when she uses it, she’ll run out. We all knew, even before Sookie tried to hide a smile on her face, that she would try to do just that by episode’s end. She wants to be “normal.”

The next day, Jason, being the sweetest he’s ever been, made Sookie breakfast because he doesn’t know how to make lunch. He said he always assumed it was his fault that his parents had died but she never made him feel that way, and he loved her for it. So he wasn’t going to let her take on that guilt now. She said she loved him, too, and yes, he could eat her bacon.

Sookie took Luna some flowers, magazines, and Sonic (Bon Temps has a Sonic!), and she bought Sam a cup of coffee. She asked him if he would choose to be normal if he could. He said the man he wants to be would say no. You have to keep fighting the stupidity in the world. But the man who’s tired of fighting can only think that it would be better for the people he loves if he were normal. That’s what sealed Sookie’s decision. But there was that other question she asked him: Wouldn’t they still notice the hate, even if it wasn’t directed at them? What she’s forgetting is that her power is also a way to save those people she cares about now that the wheels of annihilation are in motion. And the fairies had said she could do things she hadn’t even tried yet. It’s like Sam being able to smell Joe Bob, who was posing as an orderly in the hospital on a mission from the Dragon while Hoyt, Ray, and Tyrese went off somewhere in their Obama masks. (Another sign pointing to the coroner? He would have sent Joe Bob there to finish off Luna?)

NEXT: Jason and Jessica have a domestic disturbance, Alcide is a lover not a fighter

Jason went to see Jessica to tell her about his parents, and to try to come to terms with the idea that he could care about a vampire when his parents were killed by one. She tried to tell him they’re not all the same and kissed him. He tasted blood on her lips from the guy whose thigh she was draining before Jason arrived unannounced. They got into a fight. Jason was mad that Jessica didn’t even know the guy’s name, and Jessica asked him if he knew the name of every cow he’s eaten. “What the f— kinda question is that? I ain’t never f—ed a cow!” he said. She called him an idiot. He called her a fanger. She bit his neck. He shot her in the head. The honeymoon period is definitely over. She told him to get out of her mansion, which was good: He saw the light show coming from Sookie’e house as she tried to fire off all her power, and he went running.

On to Alcide. He was busy half-heartedly training for his fight with JD. How many times did you rewind that scene? His sexy second Rikki, whose name I had to look up, did a fair job of kicking his ass, but he was more concerned with starting the halftime show — a roll in the hay on the barn floor. Kudos to her for such focus when so many of us would have given in the first time we were pinned. (The growl gets me every time.) Alcide thinks there’s no way he can win, so he’s prepared to lose and wants Rikki to be, too. She suggested they get him some V, just to even the playing field this one time, but he won’t do it because he knows it’s like swallowing death. Eventually, Rikki could not resist his logic/pecs/abs/biceps, and she gave him the go ahead for halftime. Marcus’ mother walked in before the show got good.

Martha said JD swore on Marcus’ grave that he wasn’t on V. “Respectfully, Martha, your son doesn’t have a grave because y’all ate him,” Alcide said. Totally nominating that for a sound bite in EW this week. “Don’t get literal on me, Rambo!” Martha snapped. My first headband thought was the Karate Kid, but then, Joe Manganiello’s body mass is closer to Sylvester Stallone’s than Ralph Macchio’s, so point to Martha. Martha said when her husband died, JD was next in line for packmaster, but out of respect for her and her husband, he devoted himself to Marcus instead. It wasn’t until Martha later walked in on JD telling the pack his vampire friend says a war between vampires and humans is coming while trying to feed Emma some V that she believed Alcide. So what now?

Let’s move on to Tara and Lafayette. I miss seeing Eric at Fangtasia. Pam is sitting on his throne now, still on her ‘80s kick with her hair crimped. Tara, wearing a patent leather bondage get-up that made her body look as fit as Serena Williams’, was proving to Pam that she’s a better pole dancer than bartender when her mother walked in. She said a minister’s wife couldn’t have a vampire as a daughter and Tara was dead to her. Pam heard the whole thing and later (gulp) comforted Tara in the office. She told Tara her mother’s no longer her mother (Pam is) and in 100 years, she wouldn’t even remember her. Then, she let Tara hug her… for a few seconds. “Okay, break’s over. Time to get back up on that pole.”

Lafayette went to see Don Bartolo, Jesus’ grandfather. He had Jesus’ severed head with his mouth sewn shut in his home. He tied Lala up and sewed his mouth shut, too. That was more than a little disturbing. Was that a human baby or something else moving inside his wife’s pregnant belly? He told Lafayette he’d stolen his family’s magic from Jesus and locked it away, so he was going to take it back from Lafayette and give it to his son by having his wife drink the blood from Lafayette’s brain. Ewww. He told Lafayette even in death, he wouldn’t get to be with Jesus. Lafayette flipped him off. Classic. As Don Bartolo raised the knife to stab Lafayette, his wife attacked him. She grabbed the knife and stabbed him repeatedly. Crazy-eyed, she went to Lafayette. Finally, she started to cut open the ties on his mouth as a tear fell from his eye. Where is that story going next?

Lastly, we get to Terry and Arlene. The best part of this Ifrit story line has been getting to watch their wedding video. We saw Jason lamenting Sookie’s absence then getting distracted, “Hello, out-of-towner.” We saw Jessica say maybe one day she and Hoyt would have this kind of celebration. Terry kissed Arlene’s pregnant belly. Arlene told Holly about Terry saying a spirit made of smoke is chasing him around the country hunting him, and Holly said what we’ve all been saying — why would you assume he’s crazy when you know what kind of stuff has happened in Bon Temps? Holly asked if Arlene was going to be able to live with herself if she gave up on Terry, and the Ifrit turned out to be real?

Terry and Patrick meanwhile were sitting in a field, wondering if they were going to freeze to death because they couldn’t light a fire. The Ifrit appeared and laughed at them. Terry couldn’t take it. “Come on back, you Ifrit pussy!” he yelled. He signed up for the Ifrit to kill him, not to taunt him. He grabbed Patrick’s gun and was going to shoot himself until Patrick said the names of the kids and that they’d want to know Terry went down fighting, not like this. Finally, Patrick apologized for giving him that order in Iraq and they cried.

Your turn. What did you think of the episode?

Sookie, Bill, Eric, Lafayette, Sam and the other residents Bon Temps deal with vampires, werewolves, fairies, and shape-shifters—not to mention romance and drama
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