The rumble in the cemetery doesn't go according to plan

By Mandi Bierly
August 15, 2011 at 05:00 AM EDT
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This may be the only time I ever type this: I was ready for Eric to put clothes on in this episode. But before I validate my recent title change to EW’s “supernatural sexpert,” let’s resolve last week’s cliffhanger… Jessica died.

Just kidding! She didn’t. Was anyone actually worried? Of course Jason would tackle her in the doorway and save her from fully frying in the sun. A bit crispy, she was about to feed on him when Antonia stopped chanting and Jessica realized that she was not only straddling Jason, she owed him her life. She thanked him with a kiss, and quickly apologized. He reached up and grabbed her, and they made out while Bill screamed her name thinking she was dead. Romantic.

Jason got to carry Jessica back downstairs to the cell like he was in An Officer and a Gentleman, which I doubt he’s ever seen. Even for a teen vampire, that had to be fairly swoonworthy. She was upset seeing the guard she’d killed under the spell, but Bill assured her all guards know the risks of their job and his family would be well compensated. Bill knew they weren’t safe until sunset so Jessica had to be silvered again, which Jason did while trying to get her to think of good things like hot summer days and barbecuing. Oops. He meant the moon, never gettin’ cold, and Tru Blood. Mercifully, Bill told him they needed their rest and he and Jason agreed not to report the death of the guard (for Jessica’s sake) or the injured watchman Jason had shot in the arm in the front yard (for Jason’s sake).

Were you fooled by Jessica’s dream breakup with Hoyt? I thought it was weird that her shirt was that clean. And though it would be awesome to see a main character get killed that swiftly, I didn’t think Jessica would actually slam Hoyt’s head after he said he’d die without her, then go outside with his blood still on her face and get it on with Jason in his truck. Jessica awoke when Rita, a blood donor Bill sent down for her, arrived in a robe. Was the robe so she wouldn’t bleed on her own clothes, or so Jessica could have a choice of where to bite her? I assume the former since Rita sat down and offered her neck.

When Jessica did go home to Hoyt for real, she had changed shirts, obviously. She told him they were each other’s first relationships and they moved too fast. Real Hoyt wasn’t as teary as Dream Hoyt. He thought there was someone else, and when she didn’t immediately deny it, he thought she slept with someone else. He was angry and cruel. He said she didn’t deserve him, and he certainly didn’t deserve someone who was going to be a virgin for eternity. Jessica gasped out of pain — he knew exactly what to say to hurt her. He said he deserved someone he could have a normal life with (kids and daylight), someone who’s not gonna look at all the love he has to offer and say “sorry, not good enough” (which is all he should have said), and someone who isn’t dead. He took back his invitation to the house and told her his mother was right: Maybe God does hate fangers, and now, so does he. He threw a fit inside the house as she sat on the porch and cried. It was a great way to even that playing field for viewers: Now Hoyt’s not the only one who’s been wounded.

Jessica showed up at Jason’s house, which I thought was the worst idea ever. He’s Hoyt’s best friend. The odds of Hoyt coming there, too, were high. Jason managed to get out of his recliner to talk to her, but only to tell her Hoyt’s been his best friend since the first grade, deny he feels the same way she does even though her blood inside him tells her different, and rescind the invitation to his house. She reminded him he’d kissed her back, and he remembered that — it’s why he did push-ups.

NEXT: Shower. Scene.

Now, we can get into Sookie and Eric. At nightfall, Eric told Sookie to pull the chains off his neck quickly, and the wounds were tough to look at. He hadn’t fed since her fairy godmother. A Tru Blood wouldn’t help, so he was prepared to just rest and wait it out since there was no one around to drink. (I know Bill had a lot on his mind, but I’m surprised he didn’t send someone over.) Sookie offered her blood, which Eric told her not to do unless she really meant it. She did mean it, she said, and he licked his lips. Eric told her to hold silver in her hand and use it on him if he did anything unwanted. “I’m trusting you, Eric,” she said. “I won’t betray you… ever,” he said. “I may remind you of that someday,” she laughed. Then, she raised him and pulled back her hair to expose her neck.

You think he could have kissed her first, but he just sort of smelled her before popping his fangs and sinking them into her. I hold all male-vampire-biting-a-mostly-human-woman-for-healing-purposes situations up to the Angel and Buffy test of sensuality. This was like a quarter as sexy. Pity. Eric broke the embrace soon after it began, and he was healed. That was quick! He bit his own hand and wanted Sookie to drink from him. She hesitated — she’s not injured. “We will be one,” he said. And there was no more hesitation. She drank, and Eric made it sound nearly orgasmic. (But still, nowhere as hot as Buffy and Angel.) How do we feel about Sookie doing that so eagerly? I guess after nearly losing Eric, and having him give her a supernatural hickey, all bets were off and she was turned on.

We finally got Alan Ball’s much-anticipated ode to the shower scene that’s in book four of Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels, Dead to the World (listen to the audio version here WITH HEADPHONES IF YOU’RE AT WORK). Ball’s shower scene is very different, though I think the shot of Sookie sliding her hand along Eric’s naked butt (an R-rated version of what Baby did to Johnny in Dirty Dancing, if you need a visual) was a nod to Sookie commenting on Eric’s butt in the book. They stepped into the shower naked and caressed each other like both their blood was laced with ecstasy.

Sookie, still with Eric’s blood on her chin, tried to start the shower. There was no water. There was just… snow. Truth be told, I’ve never enjoyed V sex scenes. The setting is usually beautiful, but the people always sound like fools and it’s a waste of perfectly good nudity. Eric and Sookie stepped out of the shower and into the middle of the snowy woods where they saw a bed. “Why is there a bed?” Sookie asked. “Can we make love in it?” Eric said. “Like, maybe never stop,” she answered. “Why would we ever want to?” he replied. They hit the fur blankets and started having sex. Snooze. When we returned to them, it was still snowing and the annoying V sex-scene dialogue kicked into high gear. In short: If they managed to fall in love, all is possible. I was happy that Eric could feel the sun on his skin in this dream, but this is when I started wishing they’d put some clothes on and do something productive. Enough with the strategically-placed blankets.

We next saw Eric putting another log on the fire in Sookie’s bedroom, normal but still naked. The writers have officially succeeded in desensitizing me to the sight of Eric’s ass. I am both happy and sad. Sookie said she wished Eric could stay Nice Eric forever. He said he could, if they ran away together now while they still can. Sookie said they had an obligation to fight alongside Bill after he let Eric go so they could be together, and besides, Eric is a warrior who doesn’t run from a fight. (Maybe Nice Eric does, Sookie.) Eric said he just wanted to be with her, and only her, forever. “There’s no such thing as forever,” she said. FORESHADOWING!

NEXT: Antonia creates… fog.

Bill’s goal this episode was two-fold. First, there was damage control to be done. He showed up as the local news was covering Maxine’s vampire neighbor Beulah’s (assisted) suicide, and Jason stopped Andy from eating a pile of her remains off the ground like he was a dog. (Andy told Jason the only time he doesn’t feel like he’s letting people down, or feel like hitting people in the head with a bat for having expectations of him, is when he’s on V. The shrug Andy did when Jason told him he’d stopped listening halfway through his confession made this story line, which seems to exist solely for comedic value at this point, worth it.) Bill glamoured the news reporter into letting him make a statement on air blaming Beulah’s suicide on the low self-esteem vampires have in the wake of all the hatred directed at them following Russell ripping an anchor’s spine out on TV.

Antonia, who needed help working the TV remote (nice touch), was understandably pissed when she saw that instead of all vampires in a 20-mile radius biting it as they’d done in 1610, only one did. Tara hadn’t realized that Antonia was trying to kill all vampires. She just thought they were casting a spell to protect themselves from vamps. (Really? Okay.) But it didn’t matter. Nothing would make Tara happier than snuffing out the vampire race, she said. Bill called the Moon Goddess Emporium and Tara put him on speaker with Antonia. He wanted to apologize for what was done to her. He said he knew there could be no forgiveness, but he thought maybe there could be peace since many high-powered vampires share her belief that every human is entitled to live freely and not as food. He wanted to meet, just the two of them unarmed, to talk and try to avoid more deaths on both sides. They agreed to meet at midnight at the cemetery.

Eric and Sookie showed up at Bill’s house. (Sookie’s Army green jacket was a nice choice for fight night, don’t you think? Her whole look was very Buffy. I’d like to think she watched an episode to gear up.) Bill wasn’t willing to let Sookie endanger herself, but Eric said it’s her choice. Sookie said she’s willing to die if it helps keep an entire group of people she knows and loves from being eradicated in the name of hate. Plus, she has powers (that she can’t quite control). “Thank you,” Bill said. “My liege,” Eric nodded. “My… Bill,” Sookie said. Bill smiled. For her to do this, part of her must still love him.

Neither Bill nor Antonia showed up alone. Bill tried to broker peace: No vampire would ever harm Antonia again, and if they tried, they’d face the true death. All she needed to do was remove the spells from Eric and Pam (whose shots are working). Rightfully so, Antonia pointed out that Bill said he’s willing to kill those who’d harm her, and yet, he wants her to fix two of the vampires who came after Marnie. While Antonia pretended to consider the offer, Sookie read her mind. She was casting a spell. “Now,” Bill said, and more reinforcements showed themselves. Antonia revealed the full extent of her backup and their arsenal.

Since Antonia can’t control the living as she can the dead (or undead), Bill brought along his guards who took aim at her, ready to fire. Surrender now and everyone lives, Bill said. Antonia laughed. Eric sped over to a witch and ripped out her throat. Game on! Marnie cast a spell for fog and the battle began. Bill tossed one woman aside who wasn’t worth his time. Tara shot a vamp and got him all over her. Pam found Tara and took her gun. Just as Pam was about to bite Tara, Bill forbid her to harm her now or forever by penalty of true death. That went over well with Pam. Bill helped Tara up, and hopefully that gesture convinced her that not ALL vampires deserve Antonia’s wrath.

As Eric chowed down on someone, Sookie crept through the fog and used her light ray to push off a witch who thought she was a vampire. “Thank you,” she said to her hand. But then, she got shot in the stomach with a wooden bullet. “F—,” she said as she sank down. Both Bill and Eric felt it and wanted to get to her. But Bill was getting silvered, and Eric met up with Antonia. She did a spell on him, and last we saw of Eric, he was kneeling before her and getting pet like he was a good dog. Luckily, Alcide had shown up at Sookie’s house, heard the sounds of battle from the cemetery and went running. He picked Sookie up and carried her off.

NEXT: Lafayette probably doesn’t own a Slanket, but he should.

There was a wolf trailing behind Alcide, and we all knew it was Debbie even before she transformed back into naked human form. They’d been at a Shreveport pack meeting earlier in the day at Shooter Jennings’ Marcus’ place. Marcus held the meeting to tell them witches were idiots for getting mixed up with vampires and so would be any werewolf. The pack was to stay out of it. I appreciated his healthy respect for vampires’ strength and ruthlessness. Like he said, it might hurt their wolf pride, but it will save their lives. Debbie loves her new pack. “I think I made some friends tonight,” she told Alcide. “A couple really nice bitches.” She also loves that Marcus recognizes that Alcide has alpha in him (Debbie was proud when he helped Marcus break up a fight). And, if they’ve been told to steer clear of vamps, that means Alcide can’t see Sookie since fangers are a part of her baggage. Marcus told Alcide and Debbie to be safe on their way home — his source told him something big was going down between the witches and vampires that night. That’s why Alcide went to check on Sookie even though he promised Debbie he was done with her. Who’s Marcus’ source?

Marcus seemed like a standup guy until he got pissed when he showed up at Luna’s to tuck his daughter in and found shifter Sam there having dinner with Luna and Emma. Sam had come over uninvited to tell Luna he’d kicked Tommy out of his life for good — he could forgive him for killing their parents but not for sleeping with her. Luna felt comfortable leaving Sam and Marcus in the room alone together after she reminded Marcus she’d call his parole officer if he started anything. Sam said he had no beef with Marcus, but if they needed to take this outside, they should. Marcus told Sam he’d pissed on the wrong boots and pretended to lunge at him. Sam didn’t budge. He looked more confused than anything, like he was surprised Marcus would think that would work. I love that Sam didn’t back down, but this is going to get messy.

Tommy, meanwhile, used Maxine’s interest in Beulah’s crime scene as an opportunity to break into her house and steal clothes and accessories. (I love that he had second thoughts about the shoes he’d chosen and switched them.) Without any money, and with his newfound ability to shift into any human, you knew he’d be phoning that natural gas guy to negotiate a deal as Maxine. It wasn’t quite as awesome a scene as Tommy pretending to be Sam, but it was pretty great to see how Tommy styled Maxine’s hair. He walked away with a free meal and a check for $5,700.

Last but not least, we finally got some answers about that doll that Mikey has. As Arlene and Terry fought in the Merlotte’s kitchen, that beautiful black woman who sings to Mikey continued to serenade him. Lafayette walked in and said, “F— this shit.” Later, while he was napping on his couch wrapped in what I’d like to believe was a royal blue Slanket (so much more comfortable than a Snuggie), he had a vision of that woman walking up to her house holding that doll and seeing a nice car parked outside. A white man came out of the house, and she asked him where her sister was. He’d sent her home — and killed the woman’s infant son. He wouldn’t let her call the preacher. It was better if no one knew the child had ever existed, he said, because this man was white, married, and works for his wife’s father. She begged him to let her hold her baby one last time.

Lafayette awoke and saw the woman lurking in the room looking like she was about to possess him, which she did. After fixing her sweatshirt, she left Lafayette’s place and broke into the Bellefleurs. Andy was sleeping downstairs, so “she” grabbed his gun and headed upstairs to Andy’s bedroom, where Terry, Arlene, and Mikey were crashing after the fire. She took Mikey and the doll from the crib. So that explains what the spirit wants with Mikey, but not how Mikey can see the spirit. Do all children have the capability of seeing spirits (a, cough, Ghost Whisperer theory), or just Mikey?

Your turn. Which story lines do you think are working this season, and which ones do you wish would speed up or get gone? Dalton Ross and I share our opinions on that — and whether the Eric and Sookie sex was worth the wait — in the latest InsideTV podcast. To listen to it, just click on the audio player icon below. Or, since it’s on iTunes, you can subscribe for free and take the podcast with you on the go. No iTunes? No problem. You can also download the entire podcast right here.

Sookie, Bill, Eric, Lafayette, Sam and the other residents Bon Temps deal with vampires, werewolves, fairies, and shape-shifters—not to mention romance and drama
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