True Blood recap: What's Your Type?
Sookie gets drained, Lorena gets killed, and Alcide gets a new place in our hearts
You may have hated Lorena, but if True Blood is for you, you loved her death. Bill’s maker made a classic talk-too-much-when-you-should-just-kill-the-person mistake, and paused while draining Sookie to tell her that she was delicious —and to ask the question we still haven’t officially answered, ”What are you?” Sookie’s response: ”I’m the bitch that’s gonna kill you.” While Lorena laughed, Bill used his last strength to sneak up behind her and wrap a silver chain around her neck. He pulled her to the ground on top of him and motioned for Sookie to get one of the stakes conveniently piled nearby. Bill told Sookie ”do it,” and Lorena stopped fighting. ”William, I love you,” she said, and in her mind, she was probably comforted to be dying in Bill’s arms. ”You wouldn’t know love if it kicked you in the fangs,” Sookie shouted, and plunged the stake through Lorena’s heart. Lorena erupted like a geyser. Blood shot out of her mouth until she was nothing but a puddle on Bill. It was right up there with the bloodbath Sookie received during Longshadow’s death. Well done.
Tara and Alcide drove around in his truck and burst into the room as Sookie looked for the key in the pile of Lorena to uncuff Bill. Tara thought Bill was dead, but Sookie told her that when a vampire dies it looks like Lorena (or, a bloody intestine). Tara barely had time to register that Franklin would still be alive — hooray! — before Sookie had her and Alcide helping to wrap Bill in a tarp so they could move him. Good thing, too, because when Debbie entered, she left the door open.
After a brief cutaway to Sam trying to talk his way into the dogfights (perhaps if he would’ve torn off the sleeves of his shirt, he’d have fit in better?), we were back with the rescue attempt. Alcide thought Debbie would never use the gun she was holding, but it didn’t take Sookie’s telepathy to know that he was wrong. We found out that Debbie really had loved Alcide, but he refused to give her a child. He didn’t want to bring another of their kind into the world. A tortured soul makes him even hotter… While Alcide continued to talk to Debbie, Tara told Sookie via her thoughts to distract Debbie so she could attack her. Reluctantly, Sookie screamed and Tara pounced. She knocked the gun out of her hands, and Alcide got it. Cue Coot’s entrance and Alcide shooting him twice. Props to the makeup department for the wound on the back of Grant Bowler’s head. A moment of silence, please, as we remember his naked torso (and what he described as his ”love scene” with Stephen Moyer).
NEXT: God bless the Louisiana heat
Debbie, naturally, was pissed. I haven’t been moved to actually learn this actress’ name (Brit Morgan) until she threatened Alcide with a controlled craziness that finally made her creepy and interesting. ”So what’s it gonna be, sweetheart? You gonna kill me, too? You f—in’ better. ‘Cause if you don’t, I will sniff you out. I will. I will come after you, and I will hunt…you… down.” Alcide’s self-loathing must have kicked in again, because he said he believed Debbie but still couldn’t pull the trigger. He just locked her in the room as Sookie and Tara fought over Sookie wanting to ride in the back of the truck with Bill. I believe that had Alcide not been worried about Coot’s wolf pack closing in, he would’ve been smart enough to deduce that Sookie intended to feed Bill her blood – which is something she never should have attempted without someone there to pull him off her. But he had to get the truck moving. And he did, running over a wolf in the process. Pause, please, as we thank Alan Ball for not making that wolf Don Swayze. He deserves to go out better than that.
We cut from the nude man-wolves to a shirtless Jason sitting in his boxers on his recliner (god bless the Louisiana heat), holding his police baton. Jason’s had a lot of choice lines over three seasons, but this is my new favorite: ”I never really thought I was smart enough to get depressed, but, here I am.” He was talking to Hoyt who, I’m sure, could’ve put his T-shirt on sooner than he did after his shower, but finishing getting dressed in the living room gave him something to do while Jason relayed his deep thoughts: Why does he love Crystal when he doesn’t even known her? Who is her fiancé, and why does she put up with him?
Is she named after the champagne?
Hoyt didn’t correct Jason on his mispronunciation of Cristal, and instead, reminded Jason that she’s from Hot Shot. ”I bet you a 100 to 1, her middle name’s meth,” he said. Hoyt reminded Jason of the Hot Shot drug dealer he helped lock up. (”Reminding me of last week’s glory ain’t gonna change the fact that this week ain’t done s— for me yet,” Jason said. I will be filing that line away and using it when the time is right.) Hoyt was trying to suggest that Jason go down and question the guy about Crystal. Too bad Hoyt had his shirt on then, or Jason’s celebratory jab would’ve been even more homoerotic.
Summer, the girl Hoyt had taken on a date to Merlotte’s, showed up at that moment. ”May I come in,” she said, dramatically. ”I’m just kiddin.’ I’m not a vampire like your last girlfriend.” Sure, she’s a little too Southern Stepford with her homemade biscuits, butter, and strawberry preserves, but she made sense when she told Hoyt that after waiting by the phone for him to call her, she’d rather confess her feelings to him and let the chips fall where they may: ”I like you, Hoyt. I want to be your girlfriend. And I really want you to taste my biscuits.” Hoyt paused, preparing to let her down gently no doubt, but Jason helped himself to a biscuit (as Jason always does), and told Hoyt she’d make a great grandmama someday — she was a keeper. Last we saw Hoyt, he was shaking his head as Summer set out to spruce up the boys’ home.
NEXT: Still just a vamp in a cage
Meanwhile at the Queen of Louisiana’s gorgeous abode, Sophia Anne was being kept in a steel birdcage by the pool. Eric, still wearing that blue cashmere V-neck J. Crew sweater even though it has some blood stains on it, brought Hadley into see her and said he intended to drink from Hadley until Sophie Anne told him why she was so interested in Sookie. Sophie Anne wouldn’t tell him, so he drank, making those sexy growls he does while he feeds on three-star cuisine (and cupping Hadley’s breast). Hadley, Sookie’s cousin, whispered the answer in Eric’s ear herself, and he said it was something he wasn’t expecting. He bit his wrist and fed Hadley his blood, gently placing his hand on her forehead. Would he have spared her if she wasn’t Sookie’s kin?
After another quick look at Sam’s progress — we’d seen him park, transform into a well-endowed pit bull, and now walk right up and wait to be captured by the fight organizers — we were back with Sookie. She cut her forearm with a small saw and told Bill to drink. He did, and she thanked god and sweetly kissed his forehead as we heard their love theme in the background. We all knew where this was headed, and soon enough, Bill was munching on Sookie’s arm and pinning her to the floor of the truck to feed on her neck. There wasn’t the sexual undertone of Angel drinking from Buffy on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though Bill was doing his version of Eric’s growl. He had his hand over Sookie’s mouth, which made her helplessness all the more frustrating. Here was this woman who had been so vocal about the fact that she would live to take down Lorena (and pay back Eric, if she needed to) being silenced by the man she loves. Upfront, Alcide tried to get Tara to relax. She said she hadn’t breathed for a week. I’m rooting for those two to hook up, but I fear Alcide would actually make her happy and that’s not allowed.
Alcide had to pull over to pee alongside the road, and that’s when Tara went to check on Sookie. Sookie didn’t answer, so Tara opened the door herself and found her lying motionless covered in blood. Bill didn’t know what he’d done. Tara still had some V left in her because she was strong enough to kick Bill’s butt out of the truck as he tried to explain that he could help Sookie. Bill didn’t burn in the sun, presumably because he had so much of Sookie’s blood in him. If Russell knew that he could walk among the humans he’s trying to destroy in the daylight, Sookie would have a cage right next to Sophie Anne’s…
NEXT: Team Alcide?
While Tara and Alcide drove Sookie to the emergency room, we saw Sam clock the guy who’d been walking him to his cage and drag him off to steal his clothes. Then it was back to Sookie, whose body began convulsing the second they attempted to give her a transfusion. The doctor told Tara and Alcide that they couldn’t establish Sookie’s blood type and her body rejected O negative, the universal donor. (We were asked to buy that this had never come up before because Sookie was born on the dining room table and had never been in a hospital before.) They should notify the family and get them to the hospital, the doctor said. Seeing the way Alcide put his arm around Tara for that news was enough to make you Team Alcide over Team Bill. This wolf can offer you emotional support 24/7, not just at night.
While Tara prepared to call Jason, we cut back to Sam. The director (The Last Seduction‘s John Dahl) could have shown us more of the dogfights, but he rightfully pulled back after getting across the stakes — a fatally wounded dog was shot and thrown onto a pile of other pups. Joe Lee set Tommy loose in the ring as Melinda smoked and prayed. Sam pulled an alarm, set the caged dogs free, and got to the ring in time to go all Dog Whisperer on Tommy’s opponent. Eventually, Sam — who was shocked that Melinda was actually a worse mother than Tara’s (true!) — talked Tommy into leaving with him. He said he couldn’t promise him a perfect life, but he could promise him a better one. Yes, clearing tables at Merlotte’s and flirting with Jessica is definitely better than your parents making you fight pitbulls for cash. I’d love for this to be the last we see of Joe Lee and Melinda, but it feels like they need to go out with an even bigger bang…
We’d watched Jason ”interrogate” the meth dealer — who told Jason he’d tell him what he wanted to know about Crystal, his cousin, if he brought him some meth — and when Jason got Tara’s call about Sookie, he was with Lafayette trying to convince him to get him some meth in the name of love. That Jason would agree to that bargain is just one of the thousand reasons why he should never be a cop, but that detour meant that Lafayette would hear that Sookie was in the hospital with Tara, so he’d go there and be with Tara and Jason when they each told Sookie, who was now in a coma, ”I f—in’ need you.” Lafayette told them to stop cursin’ at her, and they would figure this out. Jason had insisted to the hospital administrator who told him that he needed to make decisions for Sookie that he wasn’t responsible, but he stepped up when Bill showed up at the hospital.
NEXT: When the moon is in the seventh house
Sookie was having some kind of a coma dream or mental journey to an alternate universe. She woke up alone in her now perfectly-lit hospital room in a perfectly-fitted white gown with the best hair she’s had in three seasons. She grabbed a glass goblet and walked on rose petals to find a garden filled with pretty people and a pond. It was as if someone on V had stepped into the 40 Year Old Virgin ”Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” end scene. She was greeted by a beautiful brunette named Claudine, who filled Sookie’s empty cup from the pond and had her drink the liquid, which lit up. Sookie said it was the most amazing thing she’s ever tasted, and Claudine said she’s had it before. A woman then came up through the pond and Claudine explained that the pond was bigger and deeper than Sookie thinks. Sookie suddenly had the attention span of her brother and asked if they could dance like the others. ”We can always dance,” Claudine said. They can read each other’s minds.
Sookie didn’t have the endurance of the others, and had to stop doing the dance that didn’t actually look all that strenuous. Claudine promised she would have their stamina one day and asked her not to go back, to come with them to their home, which is more beautiful than anything she could imagine. She just had to swim there through the pond. Sookie was afraid to because her mother had drowned in deep water. ”Do not fear the water. It wasn’t the water that killed them,” Claudine said in her mind. ”What? It wasn’t water that killed them?,” Sookie said aloud. ”What did?” Before Claudine could answer she said, ”The dark approaches,” and the garden turned black as Bill entered Sookie’s hospital room. (”Motherf—er,” Tara said.) Bill wanted to give his blood to Sookie, but since he was the one who had just nearly killed her, the decision wasn’t as simple as it once would have been. While Jason debated, Claudine said she didn’t have the time to explain to Sookie why she was wrong about Bill. She just had to come with them. It wasn’t safe for her anymore. Bill would try to steal her light. Sookie wouldn’t go with her since she didn’t know her. Claudine left, and Sookie collapsed by the pond in what became just the dark cemetery. Jason told Bill to give Sookie his blood, and he fed it to her through an IV.
After another quick cut to Sam (this time, he was driving back with Tommy, and both of them had that ”Now what?” look on their faces), we were taken to Fangtasia, where the Magister was preparing to pierce Pam’s eyelids with sterling silver hoop earrings from Tiffany. (”Excellent, they’ll match my chains,” she said, trembling.) Eric arrived just in time, with Sophie Anne. The Magister told Eric he committed treason by turning on his Queen and admitting that she had him sell V, but Eric said it wasn’t treason because his loyalty now belonged to the King of Mississippi.
Russell made his entrance, complimenting Eric on Fangtasia and its vibe and suggesting they talk franchising later. The Magister started to read Sophie Anne her rights, and Russell launched into his speech about why he would no longer be recognizing the ”authority” the Magister speaks of. Eric sweetly checked on Pam as the Magister told Russell he was bound by duty to convey his blasphemy to the authority. ”Well, that won’t be happenin’, but enough about you,” Russell said, borrowing one of Lafayette’s hand moves. He explained to his ”loyal subject” the matrimonial arrangement he’d made with Sophie Anne and told him he’d be officiating the wedding. The Magister said he was prohibited from performing any rights of alignment unless specifically authorized to do so by the authority. ”There’s a new f—in’ authority in town,” Russell said. It only took him like a second to have Pam freed from her chains and to have the Magister captive in her place.
While Russell was getting the Magister into a standing position to better torture him with a silver-tipped poker, we cut back to Sookie’s hospital room where Jason, Alcide, and Tara slept as Bill kept watch over her. Sookie opened her eyes and their love theme again played as Bill looked down at her. But once again, the emotion was a trick. Sookie screamed.
Cut back to the Magister screaming as well. Pam told him he could sure dish it out but he couldn’t take it. ”Let’s see how this plays out, Pam. We can always taunt later,” Eric said. Considering this episode ended like 15 minutes early, I think the Magister could have held out a little longer. But quickly, he spoke the words Russell wanted to hear: ”I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.” Sophie Anne was the vision of a blushing bride: ”I’m so happy I could bleed,” she quipped, before air-kissing with Russell. Eric congratulated them, as did Pam (with applause). The Magister should have just kept his mouth shut, but he had to say that the Authority would never recognize this union. Russell launched into another speech about how he wants to take the world back from humans. Eric, perhaps in an effort to save the Magister’s life, suggested they leave. Russell turned to go but heard the Magister’s sigh of relief. He turned back and told the Magister to ”Say hello to the true death,” and decapitated him with this poker. We saw his head fly and explode into a bloody blob when it landed. That looks equally cool in reverse, FYI.
Which of the recently departed will you miss most: Lorena or the Magister? (I thought the tribute to Bill and Lorena’s Undying Love — 1865-2010 — was one of the better Postmortems.) Who would you rather see Alcide have sexual tension with: Sookie or Tara? (So happy he’s a regular.) Are you hoping Eric stays in that blue sweater for a little while longer even though he probably had something at Fangtasia he could grab and change into? The promo for next week showed Eric telling Russell he’s been searching for him — how do you think that will play out? Do you think Sookie needs protection from Bill? And having seen the sequence with Claudine, would you want to be whatever Sookie is?