It's the final plumped-up auditions episode. May the most narcissistic preteen win!

By Annie Barrett
Updated September 28, 2012 at 04:00 AM EDT
Credit: FOX
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Well, no more auditions episodes from now on. We’re going to Miami! Welcome to Miami. Sorry, got a little ahead of myself. I’m just so excited for boot camp. I can’t wait to see that sparkly little princess’ chubby cheeks gushing with tears. Come on. We were all thinking it!

The judges just completely don’t give a s— how people’s voices sound as long as they’re one of four things: hot, adorable, a drama queen, or a complete and uttah spectacle. So 13-year-old Trevor and 12-year-old Jordyn — two not-cute kids who find themselves overwhelmingly precious — are going to Miami. We’re number four! We’re number four!

After Trevor Moran woke up from his long, well-timed nap — no trip to the hospital necessary, it turned out — he was able to go onstage having snuffed out his dehydration with some water and Gatorade. (PEPSI PEPSI PEPSI.) He romped around “singing” LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It,” which was just….no. So uncomfortable. Trevor and I look a lot different, but based purely on body motions and noises emitted, he looked and sounded exactly like I do when I’m drunk at karaoke. Sure it’s fun for my friends, but the last thing I’d deserve, or could have any hope of surviving, is anything remotely resembling “boot camp.” What a disaster.

In other words: “Everything The X Factor is all about, you embody,” L.A. Reid told Trevor. I rest my case.

Jordyn Foley, a large pigtailed cretin with piano-key knee socks and a silver sequined tie, was sooooooo much worse. She screeched out “Tomorrow” from Annie, pausing to insert some original spoken-word prose poetry into the mix. “Listen up! Tomorrow’s always at hand, and always look forward to the future.” Her Ronald McDonald-haired mother nodded vigorously. She’s a believe in tomorrow. You gotta believe in the passage of time! Demi Lovato assured Jordyn she “shined onstage” (yeah, due to the tie), and L.A. got some cheap thrills from Jordyn’s ability to “put Simon in excruciating pain.” You know what that means: She’s through to boot camp.

Owen Stuart is a 16-year-old cutie with a good voice and a girlfriend. Demi, your thoughts?

NEXT: I could really use a whiskey right now, whiskey right now Owen recently moved from Buffalo to Charlotte, and being away from his sweetheart Tori — they kissed, once! — is the absolute worst pain he’s ever felt. Awww. Spoken like a true innocent who has never experienced pain. That’s not his fault. “I wouldn’t wish this on anybody,” he continued, blissfully unaware that any person-in-actual-pain on the planet would trade lives with him in a heartbeat. Owen performed “Airplanes” and it was all pretty average in every way possible, but he’s got a nice smile, engaged well with the same 10 little girls they kept showing in the audience, and impressed L.A. with his rapping abilities. Britney Spears gave Owen his only “no” in her boldest judging move to date. “You didn’t wow me,” she explained. Simon likes Owen because he can see him getting bettah and bettah and bettah. I guess I can see that. Okay!

Freddie Combs is a 40-year-old minister confined to a wheelchair by his obesity. He used to be 902 pounds, but now he’s a buoyant 540. A crew and a half wheeled him up the ramp to the stage so he could shock everyone with his very theatrical rendition of “Wind Beneath My Wings.” I get the feeling Simon wants this guy to be the U.S. version of Susan Boyle, but I’m not sure it’s happening. Simon made a verbal pact with Freddie — much like L.A. made with Chris Rene last season — that he’d hold up his end of the deal as long as Freddie keeps working hard to better himself. “I had a vision in my mind of you standing, singing that song,” said our Lord. Chills! Could it happen! “If you stand, I’m gonna stand right by you,” L.A. promised. Well now it has to happen. Go Freddie!

Lauren Jauregui was by far my favorite of the night, which is not exactly a brag-worthy distinction considering the rest of the episode. I was endlessly amused by her kindly, completely static grandpa and the way he contrasted with Lauren’s hot mess of a dad, who was squirming by himself and crying before she even opened her mouth onstage. He was awesome. His advice to Lauren before she went out there: “Eyes…..penetrate through Simon.” Okay, thanks dad!

Lauren’s vocal was huuuuuge on this song, husky and gorgeous, and filled the theater effortlessly. She did miss a few notes (most notably on “I got nothing,” which seems appropriate) but I’m on board with her sound. I loved her natural, very humbled reaction to the four yeses — and so did Simon.

All right then! That was the entire episode. Who are you most excited to hear again? Who do you want to CRASH AND BURN in Miami? Discuss!

Video reply time! Ask Annie anything about ‘The X Factor’ — or whatever — below.

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The X Factor

Simon Cowell, Demi Lovato, Kelly Rowland, and Paulina Rubio judge Season 3.
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