Many terrible people audition in San Francisco and Providence; Britney Spears doesn't want those flowers

By Annie Barrett
September 14, 2012 at 03:27 AM EDT
FOX
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  • TV Show
Genre

Two episodes in and this show might as well be retitled The Many Potential Stalkers of Britney Spears. Last night we met her tragic former duet partner Don Philip; tonight a 20-year-old New Hampshire cashier named Patrick Ford came, dressed as Waldo, with a bucket of red roses and a healthy obsession with the pop princess. He wasn’t even that creepy — trust me, I’ve been watching reality TV auditions for CENTURIES — but Britney seemed disgusted and confused that someone could be that big a fan of hers.

I don’t want to dwell on this (though the episode, in which barely anything happened, certainly did), but couldn’t she have at least said “Thank you” or “That’s very sweet” or “It’s nice to meet you” or “Get it get it, get it get it (WHOOOA)”? Everything about this segment was so uncomfortable. Here is the least pained of Britney’s many choice facial expressions:

I hope Patrick finds this recap so he can make that his wallpaper…..in the second bedroom he has converted into a shrine for her.

Oh well. “The only word she said was no,” Patrick complained. But some people never even get to lock eyes with Britney as she shifts nervously, wriggles in terror, and pretends she is unaware of her place in this weird little world. He should consider himself lucky. His life may be ruined, but we all had to watch and listen to his grotesque and delusional rendition of “Circus.” I think we’re even.

Turns out Patrick auditioned for American Idol in 2010 with “Womanizer.” Ugh.

The majority of the show was trash. Just heaps of garbage strewn across the screen like some of the shady candy Demi Lovato dribbled from her mouth into Simon Cowell’s cupped hand. (Please tell me that was your favorite part of the episode too.) I was pretty excited about last night’s premiere, but come on, this installment was terrible! Stalker Waldo, a bunch of annoyingly attractive loons, and three good singers made the cut. Let’s talk about them.

But first, please enjoy this “X FACTOR DEMON” screencap sent to me by reader Jordan.

I say we just blame her for the entire episode, take a deep breath, and try to move on.

NEXT: L.A. Reid is feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelin’ good Sixteen-year-old crowd pleaser Johnny Maxwell had L.A. Reid mouthing the words of his original song/rap, just like Chris Rene did last year. How do these young homies do that? Johnny has a great big supportive family and can rap much better than he can sing. No worries! It’s just The X Factor. Are you alive? Are you young? Got dimples? You’re through to boot camp.

Britney politely clapped, her pinky doing most of the work. Leave her alone!

Jason Brock, 34, is a tech support operator. He can’t believe it either, no siree. I liked how as he complained about his job, he ended up saying “I help a lot of people, but I don’t want to do it my entire life.” That’s not what he meant.

Jason’s fantasy of his own hypothetical concert really spoke to Demi Lovato, especially the idea of two dancers descending from the darkness on either side of him as the music and action eventually built up to a “GLITTER EXPLOSION.” Just as Simon’s eyes threatened to roll right on out of the arena due to all the flamboyance, Jason began Billy Joel’s “New York State of Mind.” It was good! Thank God, because I couldn’t handle the universal mockery of a grown adult whose only sin seems to be that he finds himself utterly fabulous. We’ve all got our issues, you know? Some of them, we share.

Demi decided she was in love with this prince of dark glitter. He seems like a good romantic option for her.

Carly Rose Soneclar is a tiny little drum majorette in rolled-up jean shorts from Westchester, NY. She officially has my favorite parents of season 2 — so far. I didn’t get the cringeworthy “OUR CHILD HAS TO MAKE IT IN HOLLYWOOD OR ELSE” vibe I often feel on shows like this. Mom and dad could have been graphic-designing and copywriting some sort of pamphlet or bulletin that had nothing to do with their daughter during Carly’s performance of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” for all we know. Maybe it would be called “This whole reality TV audition experience is pretty effing weird!”

Cheers erupted after Carly Rose had only oozed out three words — “Birds flying high” — with her powerful, way-beyond-her-years vocal. I wasn’t exactly floored by anything about her somewhat wobbly performance but I can totally see the judges coaching her into a smoother final product a la Drew from last season. She seems super smart and ready to try anything and work hard. I liked the way she very simply touched her hand to her heart as all four judges (even Simon, begrudgingly) stood up. The whole family seemed down-to-earth. In the X Factor universe, they were aliens.

I also realize that everything I liked about that segment could have been entirely artificial and pre-planned. Damn, this show makes me way more cynical than even Idol. Like, I know I shouldn’t be buying whatever they’re poorly selling…even though it’s in my best interest to shut up and smile.

“Oh honey, you may be 13, but your soul is old,” said L.A. Reid. “Remember this day, everybody. A star is born.”

Yawn?

L.A. Reid Seated Dance Moves of the Night

The Satisfied Snooze

(Click that to make it a GIF, I’m on a weird computer this week and don’t know why it’s not animating in this smaller version.)

The “Whaaaaaaaat?”

Back by popular demand! Thanks to all the special weirdos — especially EW.com readers Tony and Travis — who protested the glaring omission of L.A.’s Looks from yesterday’s Britneyface-focused recap.

Are you into The X Factor so far? Should Britney have accepted her flowers? Did anyone else want Steve Jones to pop out of that cake?

Follow @EWAnnieBarrett

Read more:

Season 2 premiere recap: Britney Spears gives good face

Ken Tucker on Britney and Demi’s first run

Britney Spears and Don Philip’s duet — listen and weep

Ask Annie anything about ‘The X Factor’ — or whatever! — below. Click on the questions below the player to see her intriguingly terrible video replies.

Simon Cowell, Demi Lovato, Kelly Rowland, and Paulina Rubio judge Season 3.
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