In our first-ever results show, the four singers everyone expected to advance to the finals advance to the finals

By Hillary Busis
Updated April 14, 2015 at 11:31 PM EDT
Credit: Lewis Jacobs/NBC
S1 E10

Well, there you have it. As expected, our Final Four consists of Team Cee Lo’s Vicci Martinez, Team Adam’s Javier Colon, Team Blake’s Dia Frampton, and Team Christina’s Beverly McClellan. To anyone who watched last night’s performances — let alone the iTunes singles chart — these results are about as shocking as Christina wearing a boob-bearing top, Blake waxing rhapsodic about Xenia, Cee Lo saying something lascivious and ludicrous, and Adam not recognizing a popular song… which is to say, not very shocking at all.

Even so, Carson and co. managed to draw the results out for a full hour. That’s even more impressive when you consider that the show was preempted for 15 minutes by a special address from President Obama. Intending to watch a reality singing competition, then accidentally learning more about the situation in Afghanistan — what could be more American than that?

When The Voice‘s first-ever results episode did actually get rolling, it began with a group mash-up number that wove together two George Michael jams: “Freedom ’90” and “Faith.” Take note: According to how much the audience hooted when each vocalist sang their first solo lines, Dia and Javier are the fan favorites to beat (as if you didn’t know that already). The top eight sounded totally fine, but this performance was a lot less dynamic than most Voice performances — although I suppose there were pyrotechnics, which go a long way toward making even the most staid presentation less dull. Just think how fabulous “Price Tag” might have been if Nakia’s fiyah-wielding baton-twirlers had been swirling behind Xenia!

Throughout the rest of the show, three out of four judges revealed that they were unwilling to make a simple decision regarding which of their remaining teammates had performed best the previous evening. Each coach was asked to divide 100 points among his or her two contestants; those points would be added to scores calculated by tallying how many votes each artist received from Voice viewers. Christina and Blake both totally copped out by giving each of their team members identical scores of 50 points apiece; Cee Lo, by contrast, showed a tiny speck of an opinion by electing to give Nakia 51 points, vs. 49 points for Vicci. Again and again, we were told that even though only four would be moving on, there were no real losers in the Voice Box this evening. Maybe this show is actually executive produced by Syndrome. After all, if everyone’s special, then nobody is.

Only Adam dared to imply that he actually preferred one of his singers over the other. He awarded Casey 35 points and Javier 65, then clarified his reasoning thus: “It’s really easy to explain… This does not reflect you guys as artist as or performers.” Because heaven forbid the scores reflect a judgment on anyone as an artist or a performer! Adam went on to explain that he divvied things up the way he did because he “had” to advance Javier; Maroon 5’s frontman evidently realized he wouldn’t have a prayer in the finale if his team were represented by Casey. When America’s votes were counted, though, it became evident that there had been no contest between the two; Adam’s “help” only secured Javier an even more decisive victory. Tough break, Goaty Locks.

NEXT: The poetic stylings of Cee Lo Green

Beyond Adam’s decision, there wasn’t much in the way of excitement or suspense during this show. And because we had to find out the fates of eight people total, there also wasn’t a great deal of time for Idol results show-style filler. In fact, the night was pretty light on music overall; our only interludes were that opening number, a few looks back at how everyone did last night, and Cee Lo’s performance of “Bright Lights Bigger City,” a fairly old single. At least Cee Lo didn’t disappoint; his number made use of Lawrence Welk Show-style bubbles, sassy flappers, and dapper gents in Team Red Zone hats and ties. Oh, and I almost forgot — Cee Lo also chose to celebrate Vicci and Nakia by reading a “short poem” he had written, which went a little something like this:

This experience of ours, I’ve witnessed an evolution.

We have endured an adventure.

You have become incomparable as artists and as individuals.

Something very supernatural and extraordinary about you.

The two brightest stars in the sky tonight.

No matter where you go, I’ll be there in spirit and song.

And if you ever call me, I’ll come running.

The revolution is being televised.

Red ’til I’m dead.

So, you know. That happened.

Hm, I’m struggling to think of other notable moments from the telecast. Christina chose to wear a dress emblazoned with “TEAM XTINA” in big red letters, and she had her hair pulled back into a braid that was a big improvement over last night’s bizarre Bride of Bikerstein coif. Alison Haislip crowed that despite Obama’s address, the Twitterverse was really buzzing about The Voice. (God bless the USA.) We learned that it was Carson’s birthday, then went to IMDB and discovered that he’s pushing 40, then contemplated our own mortality for awhile. Team Adam had a chance encounter with Gym Class Heroes, and Jeff Jenkins and Devon Barley were also there, which made that taped segment a little awkward for everyone.

But overall, if you missed this results show, you didn’t really miss much. The real fun will begin on Tuesday, when our final four will have to duke it out for the title of The Voice. They’ll apparently be performing both original songs (who else wants to bet Dia wins this round hands down?) and duets with their coaches (I think Beverly will have this one in the bag). Now that we’re in the home stretch, who will you be rooting for? How frustrating was it when everyone but Adam refused to express an opinion about their contestants’ performances? Were you also unsurprised by who ended up in the finals, or did you think Nakia, Frenchie, Xenia, or Casey might slip by? And finally, who of those four will you miss the most come next week?

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The Voice

A rotating chair-full of judges search for the next great superstar singer on this NBC reality show.

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