These heretics are bringing up lots of questions.

Credit: Bob Mahoney/The CW

Last week Bonnie and Damon did a sneak-attack kill on Heretic Malcolm. They were so proud of themselves. We were proud of them. But the fallout is wiping all that away. The consequences are legion. And it’s all because Damon broke a vase when he was so young he can’t even remember. But Lily remembers. And she never forgets or forgives — anything.

Her first act of retaliation for Malcolm’s death was having Enzo scoop up Caroline last episode. But now she has to tell her biological sons that she has Caroline, so she has Beau jump in front of Stefan’s car and give him a witchy migraine. Even though it’s news to Stefan that Malcolm is dead, Lily doesn’t care — she’s keeping Caroline.

Enzo is in the Salvatore dungeon (do we know what this room was originally built for, btw?) tying up his lady love interest. He’s using vervain rope to keep her in the chair, but when she bats her eyelashes and ask that he loosen the ropes, she gets the drop on him and runs upstairs. Nora and Mary Louise are right there to stop her. And their idea of capture is much worse than Enzo’s: They chain Caroline up by the arms to a rafter so she can barely touch the ground. Oh, and they’ve pumped her full of vervain.

After leaving Lily, Stefan gets Damon up to speed on the situation and tells him to fix it. Damon has no luck with Lily at the Salvatore house, but he learns that she had someone else’s name put on the deed to the house. So all the Salvatore brothers have to do is find that person, kill him/her, and then sneak Caroline out of the house. The problem is said person is Matt Donovan.

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The night before Matt had been patrolling the town — LOL forever — and stumbles upon two college kids Blair Witching across the town line. They want to find supernatural beings, but supernatural beings find them. Mary Louise and Nora come out to attack them; Matt tries to stop them and ends up unconscious. Fast-forward to Bonnie telling him that he is now the owner of the Salvatore Boarding House. Lily and Co. had put him as the deed owner that night and then compelled him to forget everything.

Bonnie’s brilliant idea is to stop Matt’s heart so Stefan and Damon can get into the Salvatore house and get Caroline out. According to TVD, you can stop a heart for six minutes without damage, but BonBon only needs 10 seconds. Riiight. This will go exactly as planned I’m sure.

But let’s rewind for just a bit (the show is doing it a lot this season, so these recaps can, too). In Alaric’s Occult Studies class at Whitmore earlier that day, he’s telling his students, including Bonnie, to stay away from Mystic Falls. Nothing to see there kids. After class, Bonnie and Alaric chat about how the evacuation plan isn’t working: 10 kids have been killed already because college kids love to explore ghost towns.

They also talk about the bouncy ball, which now has a name: the Phoenix Stone. Ric says it has resuscitative powers, and he stole it from the Maritime Museum when they were in New York before their Euro trip. Bonnie does her voodoo with the stone and gets flashes of death and blood. She tells Ric that the Phoenix Stone is evil, but he knew that already.

So let’s flash back to the random porch where Bonnie has decided to stop Matt’s heart. She sets her phone timer and does the deed. She’s about to bring him back when she starts getting those deadly flashes again — this time we see X’s carved into people’s skin, which we’ve seen on Beau and future Stefan. It causes her to pass out. Not good. Not good at all.

NEXT: Matt, you okay buddy?

Meanwhile Caroline is getting all kinds of torture from the most evil couple in the whole world. Mary Louise says Nora is nervous about what to wear to Malcolm’s burial. Caroline is supposed to give 21st-century fashion advice, but instead she just laughs at the old dress. Mary Louise holds a coloring pencil to Caroline’s eyeball, and Caroline scrambles to say some of Elena’s dresses must be somewhere in the house, but she gets stabbed in the eye anyway — at least I think so, judging by the screaming; I had my eyes closed.

Valerie comes in later, while her two sisters are out of the room; she does some spell on Caroline and injects her again. When Caroline wakes up, Stefan is there to save her. He can’t touch her; Valerie’s spell vervained her skin, but he’s wrapping her up and about to swoop her out of there when they start shaking.

While this is going on, Bonnie has woken up and it’s been exactly six minutes, so she quickly resuscitates Matt. Also, Damon has been distracting Enzo at the front door. Enzo wasn’t invited to the cemetery (someone had to stay with Caroline), but he’s not 100 percent Team Lily either. He tells Damon that Lily thought Malcolm was more of a Salvatore than Damon was — which is why they’re burying him in the family crypt next to Elena. GASP. (Seriously, I gasped out loud while watching this part.)

AND THEN IT GETS WORSE. At the cemetery Lily tells her children to pull Elena’s body out of the crypt and dump it in the river. I really hate you, Lily. So does Damon. When he goes into the crypt and sees Elena’s gone, he starts throwing a tantrum. Then dear old mom comes up behind him and says he always had a bad temper. And even when he was a kid, she could only break him by taking all of his toys. Lily, this says more about you as a mother than Damon’s temper. However, this works. She knows what Elena means to him, which is why she can get him to agree to her terms.

At the Salvatore house, Caroline and Stefan are shaking because the cleaning lady is signing the deed and becoming the new owner. Stefan gets pulled out a window, and Caroline is being dragged down the stairs until Enzo compels the cleaning lady to welcome her in.

Back at the Lockwood’s (which is now the real Salvatore family home), Stefan is furious with Damon for leaving. But Damon tells him that their dear mum has Elena. And Lily is making Damon leave town for good. They realize she’s trying to take away everything that they love. But instead of being mad at each other, they hatch a plan: Damon and Stefan will pretend to separate while Damon actually looks for the sixth heretic (not seen since 1903) to negotiate a trade with Lily.

And if that weren’t enough to process in one episode, there were about 10 more things to come in the last five minutes. Alaric tells Bonnie that he’s destroyed the Phoenix Stone; she did not witness this, but she believes him anyway. Come on, Bonnie. You’re smarter than that. Ric goes to the morgue to test the stone on Jo, but instead decides to test it on the kid who was sneaking into Mystic Falls earlier. Alaric puts the stone on the kid’s chest; he re-animates for a few seconds, until Ric pulls the stone off his chest. Nothing good can come of this. Nothing.

We learn that Enzo plays the guitar *swoon* and that he has romantical feelings for Lily. Oh boy.

You know who also has romantical feelings? Valerie. For STEFAN. She carries around one of his journals, in which he talks about how they met at a county fair. Nora shows this to Caroline, who is now very confused, as am I.

And finally, we see that in three years Caroline will be working as a TV news producer in Dallas, Texas. She’s engaged to someone who knows about Mystic Falls, but that someone is not Stefan. She actually never wants to hear the name “Stefan” again. And then the stake archer from the end of last week’s ep (I’m guessing) shows up to the TV station and stakes Caroline’s assistant, Tony, and then Caroline. Poor Tony. We barely knew you.

So many things to process. And so many questions. How does the Phoenix Stone (which I have fought calling the “moon stone” about three times in this recap) work? What is with the skin-carved X’s? Where is Elena’s body? Who is the sixth heretic, or Crazy-tic in Damon-speak? What’s the history between Valerie and Stefan? And who is Caroline’s future fiancé???

Until next week friends. Stay away from witches on porches, Phoenix Stones, and ghost towns near college towns.

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