It's fight night, and you only think you know what that means...
It’s the moment every fan of The Royals didn’t know they couldn’t wait for: Robert and Liam finally duke it out in the boxing ring at the People’s Gala. Still, regardless of the results of that ring, a few interesting triangles popped up this week.
For starters, Queen Helena and her Lord Chamberlain, Spencer, have continued their physical relationship following their Christmas entanglement, and it appears Spencer may be catching feelings. That’s probably not going to work out so well for him, adorable as he may be. One of the charity events was a raffle to spend time with each member of the royal family. Helena’s winner, a bajillionaire businessman named Jack Parker, was a rather dashing fella who knew just what to say to pique her interest (and ours, too).
Eleanor’s winner, too, was a worthy companion. In order to avoid her feelings about Jasper dumping her, she didn’t fall down her usual dark rabbit hole of drugs and sex; instead, she threw herself into firing numerous bodyguards while also planning and designing the charity weekend, for which she earned deserved applause. Further, she opened up early and naturally to her undeniably handsome croquet date, Prince Sebastian Idrisi, and they just talked, something I imagine is going to keep happening going forward. And she convinced James Hill to hire Rosie, Liam’s awesomely badass veteran friend from Kathryn’s pub, as her new bodyguard.
Meanwhile, Robert rigged the system and managed to get a date with Kathryn mid-gala, all part of his plan to turn her into his Cinderella so he can be with her publicly. But Helena, who has other plans for him, tasked Willow with compiling a list of women fit for a king. While Willow’s crush on Liam doesn’t seem to have disappeared, her flirty interaction with Robert (Harry Potter references and all!) told a different story.
Now, about that fight…
Must Surprising Twist
Liam may have won the fight, but he also may have just lost the war. Apparently, he learned nothing while getting his ass kicked in fight club earlier this season.
Just before the match began, Cyrus announced that he had bet on the underdog, Liam, and would double his donation should he win, and it was kind of downhill from there. Liam had so many bones to pick with Robert that his attack mode lacked strategy or thought, and he floundered. Still, he managed to get one good final blow to Robert’s face, and you could tell it felt good. Liam felt even better as he raised his gloves in the air after being declared the champion. Woohoo! Score one for Sparrow!
Only, Robert claimed he threw the fight in order to raise more money for the charity, something that practically turned Liam into a cartoon character, steam spewing from his nose and ears. He insisted they fight for real. And Robert just blocked him at every pass, leaving him bloody and defeated. “Liam, stop. You said you didn’t want to play the fool. I know you’re going to keep getting back up because that’s what you do, but I will keep putting you back down, and I don’t want to do that. I love you, brother,” he said, before stepping out of the room, wrapping his arm around Kathryn, and walking off. So, yeah, Robert is still the actual worst.
One More Thing: Let’s also not forget that the entire event was to benefit Gratitude Forever, the (really poorly named) charity to help veterans once they’ve returned home, which Liam created after being inspired by several such heroes he met at Kathryn’s pub. Did Robert mention this important detail when he addressed the crowd? Of course not. Ugh.
Best Shirtless Moment
Well, it wasn’t Charles Wescott in a diaper praying Cyrus would keep his kinky secret, that’s for sure. There was a boxing match, for bloody sake!
NEXT: The moment that has me shaking in my boots…
Cyrus’ Most Conniving Moment
Cindy Dame Cinnamon Baroness Saffron to bribe a key member of the privy council, which will soon be assembled to determine the rightful king, was just so perfectly Cyrus, I can’t even shame him for it.
Outfit of the Week
Eleanor may be mourning her recent breakup with Jasper, but she really stepped up her fashion game. From the blue number she wore for her interview with that awful journalist (Harper Day, the woman who ultimately sent Jasper running scared) to her dresses for the charity gala, this was a tough choice. I’m going with her killer ringside look, though. Let me know in the comments if you agree.
But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least call out Eleanor’s killer heels at the champagne reception.
I’m Kinda Terrified
I need to go back to that interview Eleanor had for a sec. First of all, Harper Day proved just how professional she was by NOT bringing a recorder to the interview (a TV pet peeve of mine). But then, when Eleanor has to shut her down for asking a personal question a third time, she says, “Publish whatever you’d like.” Oy. I fear that’s exactly what Harper’s going to do, and it’s not going to be pretty.
Musical Cues of the Week
- “Priestess” by Pumarosa, during Liam’s nightmare which kicked off the episode
- “Here for the Crown” by Skyzoo, another perfectly on-the-nose track as Liam and Robert are first stepping into the ring
- “Cold Blood” by Dave Not Dave, as the match heats up
- “If You’re Not Happy” by Matthew Ryan, as Eleanor asks James if things will really be alright
- “Deep Waters” by Jack Savoretti, as Liam and Robert fight for real
Crown Jewel Quips of the Episode
- “Look, I was nice the first two times that you not-so-elegantly brought this subject up, but your interview’s now complete.” —Eleanor, rightfully shutting down interviewer Harper Day after she insisted on asking about her personal life
- Willow, after questioning Robert to compile his list of ladies: “Wow, only three questions. It’s official — you’re a Gryffindor! Not that I’m surprised.” Robert: “At least I wasn’t a Hufflepuff.” Willow: “What’s wrong with Hufflepuffs? Just kidding. I’m a Ravenclaw. Obviously.”
- “The next item on the block is for a lovely afternoon tea with everyone’s favorite fairy tale villain, Queen Helena.”—Cyrus, introducing the charity auction
- “Darling, I don’t want to see any art, not unless your body’s the paintbrush and mine’s the canvas.” —Lady Elaine to Liam
- “If I had my way, you’d just kill each other and be done with it.” —Cyrus, to Liam and Robert, before the boxing match
- “I’ve lived in the shadow of a hero older brother for long enough to know the feeling that comes from that look. It never goes away.” —Cyrus, to a bloody and defeated Liam