Romance -- and a testicle in a jar -- rule the day

By Breanne L. Heldman
December 12, 2016 at 02:52 AM EST
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Romance took a front seat throne this week on The Royals, with Eleanor spending much of the episode playing mind games with Jasper to get him to commit and Liam playing mind games with himself as he stewed about that mysterious blond woman we eventually learned was Kathryn Davis (more on that later).

But while all that was going down, Queen Helena was doing something far less romantic — finding an encased testicle. Continuing what must be the longest, most unrelenting quest for DNA ever, she conspires with Mr. Hill, finally lures Cyrus from his room, and eventually finds the aforementioned testicle. Hooray! (But don’t get too excited; test results are being saved for another time, apparently.) Helena’s quest for #KingLiam to become a thing IRL also continued, as she hired Wilhelmina — whom we’re now calling Willow — to help with social media.

Robert is still brooding on the beach, debating his desire to be rescued, imagining the wretched and inevitable press conference he’ll have to endure whenever he goes home (through which we learn eight months have passed since his “death” in the series premiere), and seeing visions of a woman in white who keeps asking him what he wants. Which brings us to our first superlative…

Most Surprising Twist

We knew there was something mysterious about the blond woman Liam visited at the end of the season premiere, and we were right. Mostly because we’re brilliant, but also because it turns out she’s Kathryn Davis, Robert’s former flame! While we may have been in the dark about this during that first episode, heavy hints were dropped throughout this one, first with the white eyelet sweatshirt she wore with Liam and the flowing, white eyelet dress in Robert’s visions. And then they hit us over the head, setting up a love triangle with a literal triangle tattoo. It looks like the brothers may be battling for more than just the crown once Robert returns.

Runner-Up: Kathryn Davis has a Hotmail account!

Most Conniving Moment

It practically took an army to lure King Cyrus from his quarters, but with the help of Mr. Hill, Spencer, Rachel, and a Cyrus lookalike Rachel found at a gay strip club (still played by Jake Maskall to hilarious effect — see above), they had him running all over the palace looking for his lost Violet while they entered his room and found his encased cancerous testicle. Eureka!

Outfit of the Week

Let’s just not talk about the fact his opting to go on a talk show — where Cyrus wore loud purple as he rued the disappearance of Violet and told Britain his cancer could kill him “any day now” — completely negates the need for Queen Helena and Co. to lure Cyrus from his quarters.

Best Brother-Sister Bonding Moment

As Eleanor and Liam brood over their long-lost brother and their respective romantic situations at the Electric Carnival, they manage to get in quite the heart-to-heart. Eleanor confesses she doesn’t feel worthy of Jasper (despite his absurd past) and gives Liam, who’s also still grappling with the death of Ted Pryce, a pep talk that actually seems to sink in. “Put you first, Liam,” she says. “It’s okay to be happy.” Soon after, we see him make his case to Kathryn, the results of which probably made him pretty happy indeed.

NEXT: The most royally badass and best shirtless moments of the week

Most Royally Badass Moment of the Week

When Queen Helena wakes up and shouts “Enter,” an entire army comes into her room to tend to her every possible need.

Mr. Hill’s Winningest Move

Mr. Hill continues to keep Eleanor in his heart, even as he steps into the Head of Security position. And with that also comes protecting her heart. “The princess so much as glances at someone, it’s headline news. She holds their hand, it goes global,” he reminds Jasper. “If the public uncovered your relationship, the level of scrutiny would be unprecedented, and I’m not just talking about your accent.” And still he vows to do what he can to protect them.

Mr. Hill’s Least Winning Move

Why, oh why, is he letting his irritatingly inquisitive young daughter run loose in the palace?

Shirtless Moment of the Week

Only Eleanor would have an important conversation about the state of her relationship while she changed. As she slips from her festival-wear into something only slightly more comfortable-looking, Jasper finally admits he wants to be with her exclusively, but says he can’t do that to her given the inevitable scrutiny. Eleanor follows it up with a history lesson about a past queen who married her bodyguard.

Bonus: Eleanor’s story about Jasper Tudor was legit. So, we’ve all now learned a thing watching this soapy treat.

Biggest HUH?!

We’re two episodes into the season now and no sign of Cyrus’ totally ridiculous daughters — which is probably for the best.

Crown Jewel Quips of the Episode

  • “I don’t sleep in the crown. It’s too pointy.” —Eleanor, after being awoken by Mr. Hill’s daughter
  • “Most of my family are treacherous assholes. They hide behind fake smiles and loud charity like a bunch of Hollywood actresses.” —Cyrus on the talk show
  • “A little small for such a big job, aren’t we, Biggie Smalls?” —Cyrus to Mr. Hill
  • “With all due respect, your majesty, the last guy was taller but killed people.” —Mr. Hill to Cyrus
  • “Sucking up, as opposed to simply sucking off, will get you nowhere with me.” —Cyrus to Mr. Hill
  • “Jasper has to admit that he wants me and only me before I can say the slightest thing about maybe possibly wanting him. It’s like Girl 101, dumb-dumb.” —Eleanor to Liam
  • “Vanity: the enemy of wisdom and common sense.” —Helena, upon finding Cyrus’ encased testicle
  • “I’m a dying man with suffering immunity and nothing to lose.” —Cyrus threatening Helena
  • Best Musical Cues of the Week

    • “I Love Me” by Meghan Trainor and Lunchmoney Lewis, during Helena’s primping session
    • “Tilikum” by Benjamin Francis Leftwich, as Eleanor and Jasper talk
    • “You Can Love Me” by The Boxer Rebellion, as Robert decides he’s ready to go home
    • Episode grade: B

      2015 TV Series
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      seasons
      • 3
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      Premiere
      • 03/15/15
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      • In Season
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      • E!
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