The housewives have some, uh, uncomfortable conversations
Credit: Bravo

I don’t know what was in the air in Orange County this week, but for some reason all the Housewives had one topic on their mind: S-E-X. Lydia spends the first part of her Hawaiian vacation trying to have the talk with one of their sons, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anyone more unprepared to have that talk than she is. (Hats off to the editors who inserted the seagull noises during awkward pauses.) She and Doug dance around the subject, hoping the other will just suck it up and get into the birds and the bees, until their kid is practically begging them to stop embarrassing him on national television.

During her one-on-one interviews, though, Lydia is at no such loss for words, saying things like “Jesus loves sex” and “Now that we’re married, we have sex a lot and I like it and it comes easy.” (It comes so easy, in fact, that Lydia later asks Doug to get a vasectomy, although at no point during the episode does Lydia ever actually says the name of the procedure — she just talks about Doug getting his balls cut off. As you can imagine, that’s another conversation the McLaughlin men are not quite prepared to have in front of cameras.)

Vicki, too, is springing the sex talk — well, a sex talk — on equally reluctant members of her family. Vicki is grooming her son Michael for great things at Coto Insurance and Financial Services, and apparently that means asking some pretty personal questions about his future. Are he and his girlfriend, Dani, serious? Because if so, if there’s room for her to join the company as well. Are they thinking about marriage in the near future? Because Vicki is going to make her son sign a pre-nup. Are they thinking about kids? Because if they’re not using protection, who knows what might happen! Or, in Vicki’s words, “A sneaker might come out.” And you know damn well she’s not talking about footwear.

When the Housewives aren’t talking about where babies come from, they’re welcoming Meghan back into their social lives. Meghan’s been so deep inside baby land that she admits at a catch-up lunch with Tamra and Shannon that she’s barely been in Orange County since their Ireland trip. Now, I know you don’t actually have to be a literal housewife to be a Housewife, but I thought you at least had to live in the area where your show actually takes place?!

Meghan tries to fill Tamra and Shannon in on her life as a new mom, but she fails to find a sympathetic audience as she details the struggles of having a live-in nanny, an option to step back from work, and, you know, the kind of tax bracket that gets you on this show in the first place. (Tamra’s reaction is basically, “Boo frickin’ hoo!”) But the lunch has other purposes as well: It’s an opportunity for Shannon to tell Meghan about all the drama that’s unfolded in recent months, which means that Shannon brings up her conflict with Vicki as well as the supposedly Vicki-induced weight gain. (Meghan isn’t buying it: “Vicki is bad, but not 40-pounds bad.) It’s also a chance for Meghan to casually mention that she’s going to be hosting a sip-and-see, which is apparently a real thing where you invite people over to drink beverages (the sipping) and meet your baby (the seeing). Vicki and the other Housewives will be invited too, so you can bet there’s going to be a big, Quiet Woman-esque blowout at a sip-and-see sometime in the next few episodes!

You know who else has been planning something? Kelly and her recently rejuvenated nether-regions. First, she takes her mom to the senior center to try to get her more involved, but the visit doesn’t go well: The two spend most of their visit bickering until Kelly ends up in tears. Gee, it’s almost like there’s some deep pain and insecurity hidden underneath that brash, belligerent exterior.

Kelly also makes plans to finally, truly, actually, for real make amends with the other Housewives. As you might recall, last week Kelly decided that she and Shannon weren’t so different after all — they could be friends, even, so long as Kelly got Tamra the Puppet Master out of the way. But Kelly knows she’s not getting through to Shannon unless she gets through to Tamra first, so they meet for coffee and exchange some mutual apologies. There’s a lot to apologize for: We learn that during the off season, Kelly continued to antagonize Tamra over social media, which, I don’t know, kinda makes her sound like a legitimate cyberbully. But before long they’re laughing and bonding over vaginal rejuvenation and how often they pee themselves.

Now, I have to admit I’m a little skeptical of this seemingly reformed Kelly. Reaching out to Tamra is a great first step at reconciliation, but Kelly’s admission that she’s only meeting up with Tamra to “out-puppet the new puppet master” doesn’t seem like a sign of great things to come. How can you rebuild a friendship in good faith when you’re openly talking about manipulating someone’s feelings? Shannon and Tamra are willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, though: During a post-coffee debrief with Tamra, Shannon agrees to meet up with Kelly so long as Tamra comes with her.

Meanwhile, the other Housewives are all at the unveiling of Peggy’s new bright-yellow Lamborghini. Never mind that Peggy’s kid got into college during this episode — Peggy is throwing a party to celebrate her new car! (By the way, did we always know that Peggy has two daughters, Giovanna and Gianelle, or did I just get confused about which one is nicknamed Gia and conflate the two?) If you think about it, Peggy’s get-together is kind of a sip-and-see, except for an automobile instead of an infant.

After Lydia tells seemingly everybody at the party about Doug’s potential vasectomy, the Housewives start discussing Meghan’s upcoming sip-and-see and their plans to be on their best behavior around the Housewives they’re not speaking to. Vicki swears she wouldn’t get into fight, to which Meghan says, “Yes, you would!” Vicki then flashes Meghan a look that I would like to save and print out and frame to keep by my nightstand. History is on Meghan’s side here regarding Vicki’s outbursts — Bravo editors back her up with a supercut of Vicki shouting mean things at parties, including the time she told Meghan’s husband that their marriage wouldn’t last — but the other Housewives definitely aren’t. Peggy even tries to keep Meghan’s mouth shut by holding her lips together, but that goes over about as well as Peggy’s distasteful spousal abuse joke at the Quiet Woman.

If that interaction didn’t make it clear that Meghan and Peggy aren’t about to become BFFs, let Meghan’s oh-so-quotable reaction to the Lamborghini party do the trick: “You’re just screaming, ‘Look at me, I’m rich, I’m so f—-ing rich, screw you!” Oh, Meghan, it’s good to have you back to your old self, truly.