...Not that the boat's going anywhere
Credit: Bravo

We open with everybody getting ready for Lydia’s “Balls Voyage” party (girl, why), and Peggy, my stealth fave, even though she’s kind of boring, critiquing Diko’s choice of footwear. “What do you have against Louboutins?” he asks. “You buy Louboutins when you want to prove that you have Loubs on.” And like, I couldn’t agree more — except that they have a garage filled with $200,000 cars, and I’m pretty sure you only buy a $200,000 car when you want to prove that you have a $200,000 car. But still. She’s right. And those shoes are ugly. (I really like Diko, though. He’s the nicest househusband. And boy oh boy does he love his wife.)

Over on the beach, Kelly’s trying to convince Michael to get Scrotox. (You guys are cool if that’s all I say about that and just move on, right? Great, thanks.)

Like a couple of sun-kissed matryoshka dolls, Lydia and Doug set off to their boat party by first getting on a smaller boat, captained by someone who looks like Hot Jesus from Below Deck and please GOD let the crew of the Valor be on the bigger boat — I would pay money to see Kate Chastain handle these broads.

The bigger boat is stocked with lots of fresh fruit and shrimp cocktail, which everybody knows is the official meal of the vasectomy set. Hey, you know what I’ve always thought is a good idea? Gathering together people you don’t really like and/or are angry at for, say, not inviting you to a dinner, putting them in a confined space like a boat, and floating off into the middle of the ocean. (Side note: Shannon showed up in slippers and is therefore the only Housewife who doesn’t have to remove her shoes. Power move.)

Okay, so, this boat apparently doesn’t go anywhere, which is probably a good idea (though I guess I don’t entirely understand why this party had to be on a boat. Oh, it was so Lydia could say “balls voyage” 12 times. Right right). Downstairs — or whatever the official boat-lingo way to say “downstairs” is — the gals are talking about Doug’s nuts. Upstairs, Diko is talking about Peggy’s cancer, and the camera keeps purposely cutting to David making that blank face he always does, but in the context of Diko’s admission, it makes it look like David is doubting his story. AS IF DAVID CARES ABOUT ANY OF THIS.

I have to things to say: One, can we please call a moratorium on fake-cancer plotlines on this show? Whether Peggy had cancer or cancerous cells or WHATEVER, breast cancer is serious business and it’d be great if like…we just didn’t do this. Also, can the producers just let David go run Tough Mudders or whatever it is he enjoys because there is nothing more painful than watching him endure these sorts of social occasions when we know he’d rather be doing LITERALLY anything else. (If I can only have one wish, I’ll take the first one.) Oh, then Lydia and Doug stand on the boat ignoring everyone like Rose and Jack and scream, “Balls voyage!” You guys, I honestly don’t know.

I only just noticed this, but Vicki is not at the party — she has that rarest of rare flu strains — and…I can’t believe I’m about to say this…but I miss her. Do I like her? No. Do I trust her? Certainly not. But would a super-boring balls voyage party on a boat that doesn’t move be more fun with some Vicki Gunvalson-level crazy? You bet.

We move on from the boat party pretty swiftly (unlike the boat itself, which doesn’t move at all) and oh great, Kelly and Vicki are getting colonics. (Can I take back that thing I said about missing Vicki? I’d honestly rather watch Doug get a vasectomy.) Colonics are apparently emotional, because suddenly Vicki is crying and telling Kelly that she knows she’s going to die of a broken heart. “I don’t know what happened,” she keeps saying about her friendship with Tamra. (I’m pretty sure the thing that happened is that Vicki’s not a great person, but let’s wait and see.)

Shannon’s mom is visiting from Nashville (she seems awesome!) and Shannon’s now also crying, about the weight gain, which spirals into her crying about her marriage. For the love…can anything about this season not be a downer? Listen, Shannon, honey: You guys can split up! Wouldn’t that be better for the girls? Wouldn’t you and David be happier? You could go out on the town, go on dates…Oh my god, why am I giving marriage advice? My taste in men could not be worse and my most meaningful recent relationship is with my Minibar delivery guy. Ignore me. (But seriously, you guys can get divorced.)

Easter stuff, more Beador marital discord, and finally — finally! — Vicki and Tamra. Vicki thinks that her relationship with Tamra would be healed by now if it weren’t for Shannon, and I’m going to be honest: I agree with her. We all know that Tamra and Vicki mending fences isn’t a matter of if but when, and Shannon probably knows it, too. That terrifies her, because Tamra’s the popular girl she can’t believe likes her, and I don’t begrudge her that.

But Tamra’s a forgiver, and she misses all the fun she used to have with Vicki. Once they make up, where does that leave Shannon? Drinking Grey Goose and ice with nine limes all by herself. So has she been working the strings behind the scenes to keep Tamra angry and fired up? Without a doubt. But now Sparklebunny Skipper (that would be Lydia), who’s no fan of Shannon’s, is here to undo all that — and though Tamra talks a big, mean game, nice wins her over more than mean ever will. (Why Lydia’s so invested in this friendship, I have no idea, but she’s a “powerful prayer warrior,” and by next episode, I expect the Tamra-Vicki ship to be headed for calmer waters. BOATS.)