Kelly has finally lost her mind
Credit: Bravo

The common denominator on tonight’s crazy train of an episode is that Jesus has yet to teach Tamra how to stop stirring the pot. Because, well, you know what they say… No good deed goes unpunished, and in this case, I’m talking about the ensuing drama. Since Tamra is throwing Megan a pre-pregnancy bachelorette party (at a sushi restaurant, since preggo ladies can’t eat the stuff), she has to make sure this dinner takes its rightful place in the Housewives Hall of Crazy. Sorry, Allison DuBois and the ladies of Beverly Hills, but this might bump you down to second place.

But first, Tamra makes sure to tell Kelly more details about the ‘70s party from Hades, namely how Shannon’s latchkey, Nina, announced with a certain amount of authority that Kelly “sucked d-ck to pay her bills.” Such a stupid, amateur thing to say, and Kelly should have just ignored her. Here’s the thing: As Tamra and Kelly were discussing the party — and during Kelly’s confrontation with Shannon afterwards — Kelly was sober. That’s key because when Kelly isn’t impaired, she can actually (somewhat) rationally discuss whether Shannon intended to set her up at the ‘70s party by having her friends (Nina and Jaci) blindside her with details of her past in front of her husband. Fine, but Tamra was sober, too, and had to know she was setting the stage for all sorts of drama by dropping that little detail.

Then there’s a major miscommunication between Tamra and Meghan about the guest list for her “I’m about to get knocked up” party. The hormones Meghan’s taking cause her to have crazy mood swings, mainly directed at Vicki. After Vicki and Meghan had a nice moment, Meghan told Tamra it was okay to invite Vicki to the party. But now that Vicki has accepted, Meghan is enraged Tamra invited her to begin with because it’s “inappropriate.” This pattern with Meghan is wearing thin. She told Kelly to befriend Vicki and then got mad when she actually did. She told Tamra to invite Vicki and now she wants to cancel the whole party. So, I’m guessing what Meghan really wants is for everyone to read her mind? And hate Vicki? But only on days she feels like hating on Vicki the most?

Being that Meghan is clearly dealing with some memory loss and other issues, she goes to see Dr. Tim. He’s another one of Shannon’s special doctors who combines Eastern and Western therapies with (what else?) sports medicine. I guess Dr. Moon is booked up since those Olympic swimmers have made cupping all the rage? Anyway, Shannon and Tamra stop by so they can talk with Meghan about what is best for the party. Meghan wants it to be stress-free, which is why she insists she never gave the greenlight to invite Vicki. Tamra says she never would have invited Vicki if Meghan had told her not to. Either way, it’s too late: Vicki’s coming to whoop it up with Meghan’s soon-to-be-impregnated uterus, whether they like it or not.

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Shannon agrees with Meghan and doesn’t think Vicki should have anything to do with anyone because everyone is forgetting the awful things Vicki did — Cancer-gate, in case you forgot. Tamra takes a break from stirring the pot to point out that Shannon did invite Vicki to her ‘70s party, so she can’t shame people for doing the exact same thing. Shannon just needs to listen to her fellow New York housewife-sister Ramona Singer and “calm down and take a Xanax!” The world isn’t going to implode if Vicki comes to the party. Yes, she can be annoying, and she’s been wishy-washy with what did and did not happen with Brooks. But she’s not dangerous like Kelly…

NEXT: What’d you call me?

Over dinner with Vicki at her crazy beach house — where they pop open a bottle with what has to be 14-karat-gold opener — Kelly reveals she texted Shannon to disclose that she’ll be filing a defamation suit against her friend Nina for calling her a prostitute. Oy. Needless to say, this news does not sit well with Shannon — not the news that Kelly is threatening to sue, but the news that it was Tamra who let it slip in the first place. Shannon had every right to call Tamra and let her know it’s not cool for her to play both sides of the fence. Seriously, Tamra should have just admitted Jesus led her astray and promise she’d stay out of it moving forward. But instead, Tamra admitted she decided not to go to battle with Kelly over Shannon. And now she has to live with that, because even though Shannon has had issues with almost every woman at some point, she stayed friends with Tamra and stood by her even when Tamra basically told everyone Shannon was having marital problems. Shannon always stands up for her friends, while Tamra is happier straddling the line and perpetuating 12 sides to every story.

So, when we finally get to the “night before Meghan gets knocked up” party, tensions are high. And this Japanese restaurant is right out of EPCOT. You even have to remove your shoes, which gives me terrible flashbacks of when Carrie Bradshaw’s Manolos were stolen, though such a tragedy would have been the least of everyone’s worries at this shindig. It’s hard to say the exact moment things fell apart. Vicki and Kelly were sitting far away from Shannon, Meghan was still mad that Vicki was there, but everyone put on their big-girl panties and dealt with it.

At least, they did until Kelly, out of nowhere, announces she wants Tamra’s psychic to read everyone in the group. Now, just a little refresher: Scott the psychic was the first one to confirm Brooks did NOT have cancer. What is Kelly’s M.O. with the psychic? No clue, but the comment clearly offends Vicki, who looks like she’s going to implode when everyone at the table agrees in unison that Psychic Scott was right about Brooks! Too bad Scott couldn’t manifest himself to the restaurant and tell everyone to evacuate so they could miss what happened next…

Because in typical Kelly fashion, she quickly changes gears and starts freaking out to Meghan about the “prostitute” accusation from Shannon’s friend. Apparently, this comment is especially offensive to her because she’s been a millionaire for years. Suddenly the whole table is in on the conversation and Kelly hones in on Shannon, who insists Nina never said the word “prostitute” to describe Kelly. But thank you, Tamra, for jumping in to clarify that Nina did say Kelly “sucked d-ck to pay her bills.” (Why, Tamra? WHY?! STAY OUT OF IT!) Then, after Kelly makes sure Shannon knows she’s college educated —so there’s no way in the world she ever could have been a prostitute — she tells Shannon to “SHUT THE F–K UP!”

“Crazy Kelly” has gotten sufficiently drunk enough to come out and play. She follows up one four-letter word with another when she calls Shannon the c-word. The crazy tears start pouring out as Kelly rambles on about laws against defamation and how Nina’s comment was said in a forum where her daughter could hear (a valid point, but she did just use the c-word on national television and her daughter could easily hear that, too). Tamra makes an excellent point to Kelly: If you’re gonna talk sh-t, you gotta be able to take sh-t. In return, Kelly calls Tamra a “DUMB F–K.” Another winning moment for Kelly’s daughter to witness!

NEXT: Heather lays down the law

Eventually, Heather Dubrow takes matters into her own hands. Yes, that Heather Dubrow, the one who’s barely been involved with any of the drama this season. She stands up to declare the scene “low-base bullsh-t” and tells Kelly to GTFO. Well, it’s Heather, so she just angrily told her to “please leave,” but whoa — it’s not even Heather’s party?! And it’s not even clear why she’s so offended and why she’s had it. So when Kelly won’t listen, Heather gets up and goes, and Shannon’s right behind her. Tamra, of course, follows them, because she can’t help but follow the drama.

In the aftermath, Meghan finally realizes her pal Kelly is batsh-t crazy, while Kelly has a moment of clarity and sweetly tells Shannon she never meant to call her a “see you next Tuesday.” She made a mistake because she was upset. She says this like she’s apologizing for stepping on someone’s foot on the subway with an innocent “Who, me?” look in her eyes. Cue The Twilight Zone music, because Shannon is right — you can’t just snap your fingers and say “all is okay” after causing that much destruction. There’s no playful way to use the c-word (sorry, Erika Jayne).

So, how does this crazy story end? We all have to recognize Kelly IS crazy, but why? Tamra decides Kelly is raging at everyone because her marriage is making her that miserable. It’s why Tamra thinks she was raging when she was married to Simon. But then she met Eddie, opened a gym, and punched her anger goodbye. (Maybe if Kelly joins CUT Fitness, all her problems will go away?) Shannon also makes a good point — it’s not on Tamra to fix Kelly (with a P.S. that Vicki will screw her over again). They fall into each other’s arms, crying and pledging their best friendship, as Heather sobs to Terry in the car on their way home. Kelly, meanwhile, goes back to the table (clearly ignoring Heather’s orders to leave) and acts like it was just a silly misunderstanding, all while doing an impersonation of Heather because that’s her “thing” — she’s a “comedian,” didn’t you know?

Well, what we do know is Tamra needs to slowly back away from Kelly — and if Vicki ever wants back in with these ladies, she needs to do the same. Heather needs to fill us in on why she really lost her cool. I’m sure the “c-word” is not in her fancy-pants vocabulary, but c’mon… She grew up in New York! There’s got to be more to that story, and we’re ready to hear it.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Bravo turns its cameras on California's ladies who lunch (and shop, and tan, and get plastic surgery, and bicker…)

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