Shannon and Kelly enter a chilly cold war
Credit: Bravo

I’ve deemed this Real Housewives episode a palate cleanser. Not a lot happened, but it set up the drama to come à la the fallout from last week’s cuckoo-for-Cocoa-Puffs ‘70s party. Lest you forget, Kelly called David a pedophile AND announced to the party that it was no wonder he cheated on Shannon. If those two things weren’t friendship-ending enough, Kelly made the ultimate dis on Shannon’s prized decade of the ‘70s and told Shannon her costume made her look like Mrs. Roper.

Oh, wait, there’s more: Kelly’s convinced Shannon threw the party as a covert mission so Shannon’s pals Nina and Jaci could harass Kelly about rumors of her own past infidelity. Did we mention Kelly made former RHOBH star Brandi Glanville’s famous drunken outbursts look tame while this all went down? There’s no way any of this drama is getting swept under the rug — especially since we know Shannon has a big problem with forgiving and forgetting (Vicki can attest to that). But here’s the good news: We’re off of cancer-gate (for now) and this new feud is gathering strength as our fearless soldiers start to drift to their sides of the battleground.

We begin with everyone still reeling from what transpired and attempting to make sense of just how things went so horribly wrong at the party. Shannon cannot believe Kelly caused her to “see red,” but is touched David screamed in Vicki’s face on her behalf. Kelly is adamant she was legally separated from her current husband AND engaged to another man when her supposed “infidelity” went down — therefore, she’s not a cheater. The jury, however, is still out on whether Shannon was channeling Mrs. Roper.

Meghan, meanwhile, is literally conceiving her child in front of our very eyes as we watch her eggs get harvested so they can be fertilized. But the craziest thing about her procedure (besides Jimmy being MIA again; apparently, golf in Florida was more his speed) is that Meghan’s doctor is Nina’s ex-husband — as in one of Shannon’s friends (from the ‘70s party) who’s being accused of setting up Kelly. That sounds more of a set-up to me than anything! Did Dr. Potter get his wife on the show as part of their settlement? Is the OC really that small?

The reeling continues as Shannon goes to Dr. Moon (who else?) to literally succumb to torture and remove the party toxins from her system with a painful cupping procedure — one that includes the use of a tattoo gun to poke holes in her skin so the toxins can “escape.” Heather and Meghan flee to D.C. so Meghan can speak on behalf of colorectal cancer; she’s counting on the spirit of Jimmy’s ex-wife LeAnn, who sadly lost her battle with colon cancer, to support her through it. Meanwhile, Tamra is looking at an array of custom-made doll clothes bikinis for her upcoming fitness competition. She’s apparently on a diet of hard-boiled eggs and has to wear stripper heels, too. Tamra looks so incredible that I’d eat hard-boiled eggs all day long if it meant looking like that. And we finally see the house Vicki bought for Briana, but the truth comes out: Vicki’s making Brianna buy the house back from her. It’s a twisted game of take-backsies Vicki loves to play with her kids. We’re reminded of that time years ago when Vicki surprised Briana with a Mercedes — and the biggest surprise of all was that Briana had to make all the payments on it!

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But as Kelly complains her husband Michael doesn’t listen to her, ignores her and oh, doesn’t take her advice, she’s also scolded by her mom who thinks she should apologize to Shannon. Typical mom advice — be the bigger person, let it go, you’ll get a better response if you’re nice instead of negative and mean… oh, and life is too short. So Kelly cheerfully calls up Shannon to invite her for coffee. We mustn’t forget Kelly was BOMBED at the ‘70s party, so there’s a really good chance she has zero idea why she’s even requesting this meeting or why Shannon might be upset to hear from her. Shannon could not be ruder — her facial expression screams WTF — but agrees to meet.

NEXT: Kelly and Shannon come face to face

Word about the meeting spreads fast, and Meghan and Heather are shocked. Another bombshell is dropped, too: Meghan is pretty sure Shannon set up Kelly because she saw Shannon ask Nina and Jaci to “come with her” before the sh-t hit the fan. Thank you, Detective Edmonds, that would surely hold up in a court of law. Tamra, now that Jesus is on her side, has decided to become a “quiet” sh*t stirrer and wants to throw a party to celebrate the last night Meghan can drink before she gets officially knocked up and the last night Tamra can drink before her fitness competition. However, it’s obvious Tamra wants to get everyone (namely Kelly) wasted together in the same room so they can all sit back and watch round two explode.

We’ll have to wait until next week for that, because the most insane confrontation/apology ever transpires when Kelly and Shannon come face to face. Kelly gets there first and is dutifully drinking wine while she waits. If I were her, I would be SO nervous to be alone with a woman whose party I virtually destroyed, not to mention whose husband she congratulated on having an affair. Instead, Kelly acts like she’s meeting Shannon for a job interview by politely thanking her for coming and saying she “really appreciates it.”

But sigh, rather than Kelly following her mom’s advice and just apologizing for being so drunk at the party and moving on, she turns into Matlock and puts Shannon on the witness stand, demanding to know the details of how long Shannon has known Jaci and how close they really are…and basically accuses Shannon of throwing the party to set her up. Shannon did not throw the party to set up Kelly; she threw it so David could rock a man perm!

You would think what happens next was taking place on a playground rather than at a restaurant. Shannon is mad Kelly called her ugly. No, no, no; Kelly insists it was a misunderstanding. She called Shannon’s outfit ugly — which is apparently a big difference — and Shannon retorts that Kelly “looked like an Indian.” Not sure if that was payback for Kelly calling her Mrs. Roper (and I’m definitely not sure what Shannon suddenly has against Indians), but let’s just say it did not go over well. Honestly, I think 7-year-olds would have better comebacks — and a better grasp on reality — as the fight carried on.

Kelly: “You called me an adulteress.”

Shannon: “You called my friend ugly.”

Kelly: “Well, she is!”

Shannon: “Who the f**k do you think you are?”

After this goes on for a good five minutes — with Shannon even suggesting Kelly read an etiquette book (which I would have loved if she just handed her a copy of Class with the Countess) — no resolution is really made because these are some stubborn ladies. Kelly kinda apologizes, but admits it’s really hard for her to do so because she does believe Shannon set her up at the party. But despite it all, Kelly just wants to move on and not deal with any negativity. However, Shannon’s toxins must not have been fully released by Dr. Moon, because she’s just not going to give Kelly what she wants.

So there you have it. Shannon did hit on something during all of this: In the short time she’s known Kelly, she’s met like three different versions of her. None of them are polite, all of them are drunk, and all of them love to insult Shannon in some way. Kelly should probably lay off the booze — I think the real Kelly is just very hungover and needs a night off from the hard stuff. But for now, Kelly and Shannon are not in a better place (if anything, it’s worse), so we’ll see how this divide affects the group as a whole. And, I will say, if Shannon did set up Kelly — even on a very minor level with Jaci and Nina — she’s gonna have a lot of explaining to do!

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The Real Housewives of Orange County

Bravo turns its cameras on California's ladies who lunch (and shop, and tan, and get plastic surgery, and bicker…)

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