Real Housewives of Orange County recap: Boogie Fights
Even though the crux of this seminal episode took place mostly during a ‘70s-themed party, I must borrow a phrase from Gwen Stefani to sum it all up. “This s— is bananas; b-a-n-a-n-a-s!” We start the show right in the middle of an epic, in your face showdown between Vicki and David Beador that spills over into an insane shouting match between Kelly and Shannon. It honestly makes Teresa Giudice’s epic rant of “prostitution whore, engaged 19 times” followed by a table flip look like a peaceful protest. So what happened?
First we go back in time 48 hours where everything seems normal and fine. The Beadors are having a family day at the local costume shop so Shannon and David can figure out their ‘70s looks for the party. Apparently Shannon loves Marsha Brady and David is not afraid of rocking a man perm. This is also a good time to teach the children — and parents — some life lessons. Shannon fills the girls in on the history of the ‘70s, most importantly, how “streaking” was all the rage. Perhaps that was your best chance of nudity in the ‘70s — but I’m sure Shannon’s daughters have stolen her Netflix password at least once to watch Orange Is the New Black. This discussion somehow gave the twins license to announce that they were learning about puberty in school — and needed to know the exact number of wet dreams their father had experienced during his entire life.
Sorry, I just literally RAN OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING and don’t know how David didn’t do the same! Meanwhile, Shannon is proud because that conversation was definitive proof that they’re a close-knit family.
Meanwhile, some foreshadowing to the fight between Shannon and Kelly is shared during Tamra and Kelly’s shopping trip. Kelly thinks Shannon is a Negative Nancy and a Debbie Downer — and well, she’s not totally wrong. Plus, now that Vicki has decided to attend the party (despite the passive aggressive text Shannon sent last week), of course she’s going to stick with Kelly there — Vicki really has no choice as she has no other real ally.
But do you know who IS the biggest Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer of anyone in the OC? Jimmy Edmonds. I haven’t really delved too much into Meghan and Jimmy’s relationship this season because she’s really just been going through the motions of having IVF, and I assumed that Jimmy would get more excited and emotional as things progressed. Uh, no, if anything he’s regressed. Whenever I talk to my husband about something like the Kim/Kanye/Taylor feud or try to explain drama among my own girlfriends, I know he’s not listening by the way he “uh huhs” me every few sentences and has no problem playing his video game or looking at his phone while I babble on. Jimmy doesn’t even try to pretend he cares while Meghan’s trying to have an emotional moment with him about the embryos being implanted in her WHILE HE’S AWAY. Something, by the way, he also doesn’t think is that impressive a procedure because doctors have been doing it for 30 years. Folks, it takes a lot to impress Jimmy, and science isn’t gonna do it. Plus, Meghan is right — Jimmy is not just a sperm donor. He’s her husband and she needs him there emotionally and physically. Meghan drops Jimmy off at the airport and he can’t get out of the car fast enough. Truth be told, I was glad to see Meghan cry afterward — not because I want to see her sad, but because I’m glad that she’s not accepting this behavior as normal.
NEXT: The party of the year finally begins
But, here we are, FINALLY it’s ‘70s party time. It’s been proven in the OC that if you throw a decade-themed party, there’s going to be a blow-up fight (i.e. ’80s game night where Vicki and Gretchen played “who can shrill louder” while donning crimped hair). There’s some more foreshadowing to the big showdown when Vicki meets Kelly at her house so they can go together — Kelly is already “MC Hammered” and Vicki is ready to catch up and more importantly, whoop it up.
Now, ladies and gentleman, what happens next I’m quite frankly still trying to digest, absorb, and understand. Everyone arrives looking ridiculous. Eddie has on a ginormous afro. Heather is a roller skating porn star. Shannon is super turned on by David’s perm. And Shannon has a new friend there named, Jaci, who is very excited to remind Kelly that they have met before (in Deer Valley, Utah) while Kelly was vacationing there with her boyfriend. Jaci gleefully blurts this out in front of Kelly’s husband, Michael. Refresher: Kelly and Michael were going to get divorced but didn’t.
This little slip from Jaci reveals an interesting twist: Kelly and Michael were separated long enough for Kelly to have a boyfriend that she traveled with! It’s still unclear why Jaci pulled such an obviously calculated, classic mean girl move — but an ambush like that would drive anyone to drink (though it doesn’t seem to take much for Kelly). Kelly is suddenly telling David that he looks like a “pedophile” in his costume. I don’t know if pedophile is the right word but does any man with a perm ever not give you pause?
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So here’s where things start to get a little hazy as everyone gets bombed (namely Kelly and Vicki who are wasted). With Tamra sitting there, Shannon wants to get whatever scoop Jaci and her saucy friend Nina have on Kelly. They forget, however, that Kelly is just wasted, not deaf, and hears this conversation taking place. But Kelly’s purse is missing, so she gets distracted while looking for it while Nina is offended that Kelly wants to find her bag. Also we discover through the magic of the camera that Nina was the one who actually moved Kelly’s bag. Like I said, things are a little hazy from this point on.
Quick side note? Every Real Housewives city needs a s— stirrer that is not a cast member. We had Faye Resnick on Beverly Hills, all the Kims on New Jersey — the OC is definitely due à la Jaci and Nina.
NEXT: Don’t you ever call Shannon “Mrs. Roper”
Okay, so Kelly finds her bag and Jesus tells Tamra that she can’t let these new girls take over the role of s— stirrer. So she runs to tell Kelly that Nina and Jaci were talking about her. Before she can even down another shot, Kelly marches over to Shannon, Nina, and Jaci to confront them (and throw Tamra under the bus). It’s unfortunate timing because Nina was just about to tell Shannon the dirt she has on Kelly and her ex-boyfriend! ARGH! Nina actually met Kelly before, but Kelly doesn’t remember Nina or Jaci because they “look like every other Newport Beach chick.” So then Jaci is about to tell Kelly to her face why she has such a problem with her, but Kelly has to go and call Shannon “Mrs. Roper” and all hell breaks loose!
BUT SERIOUSLY — WHY DO JACI AND NINA HATE KELLY? And why does Shannon hate Mrs. Roper?
With Shannon’s cleavage bearing, caftan looking getup (complete with a scarf in her hair), she was giving major Three’s Company vibes. Sure, who didn’t want to be Chrissy? But Mrs. Roper was cool. And definitely ‘70s. Something Michael questions — and Shannon can’t take another minute and kicks them out.
Except they don’t leave and the following happens: David overhears Vicki saying that Shannon is “in her glory” as the fight with Kelly and Michael rages on. He gets right in Vicki’s face and screams, “you shut your f–king mouth, you lied about cancer.” Somewhere in the midst of the fighting, Kelly and Michael called Shannon dumb. She’s so upset and needs David to do something about it that she doesn’t even realize he’s battling it out with Vicki over Cancer-gate! David calls Vicki the lowest of the low, and Vicki just goes for it and tells him that he’s a “cheater” and a “bad guy.” And I’m not sure where Kelly and Michael appear from or what they did or did not overhear — but they do the equivalent of pulling the plug on the jukebox and scream at David, “No wonder you cheated on your wife!”
Air sucked out of the room — no one can breathe for a minute. And then Shannon drops another bomb on Kelly. “Didn’t you cheat on your husband?” Say what? Kelly may be drunk, but with her husband’s arm around her, she denies it. Shannon insists that her neighbor was caught in a cheating scandal and his mistress was Kelly. WHAT? Is this the dirt that Jaci and Nina had on Kelly? Is that why she was separated from her husband to begin with? Or was everyone just drunk and done hating on Mrs. Roper so random accusations were in order?
Now, if you thought the crazy train ended when Kelly and Vicki finally excited the party, well, leave it to Vicki to CALL BROOKS FROM THE LIMO. Yes, she called Brooks to remind him that because she had loved him and had believed him that he needed to call David because of the “s— she’s still dealing with from him.” Uh, shouldn’t Brooks call EVERY one of the women on the show then? Why does David get a special prize phone call? Why does Vicki even still have his number? From now on, these ladies should be barred from drinking unless the name Brooks comes up — then they may take a shot (or four).
Still wasted, Kelly can’t get over how Shannon tried to “hijack her.” And truth be told, that’s a pretty good assessment from a drunk person. Tamra said it, too — Shannon was trying to set Kelly up. Why let Jaci and Nina pounce on one of her guests otherwise? And what is Shannon’s M.O. here? After such an epic fight, it’s super frustrating to not fully understand what exactly was being fought about. There’s definitely a lot more to learn.
But leave it to Shannon to end the night with a history lesson for all — she and Tamra dress up as “streakers” and have an orgy with a horrified Heather right in the middle of the party. So at least we have that visual while we get to the bottom of this craziness with Shannon and Kelly!
Bravo turns its cameras on California's ladies who lunch (and shop, and tan, and get plastic surgery, and bicker…)