Are Kelly and Vicki destined to whoop it up together?
Credit: Bravo

DUM DUM DUM… so, we ended last week’s season premiere with a cliffhanger. Did Heather’s plan work? Did her speech about life and love and Terry’s health scare smoke out the apology from Vicki that Heather was plotting to retrieve?

Well, no. In fact, we’ve actually climbed back on this never-ending, merry-go-round from hell where Vicki plays the victim and claims she was duped by Brooks too… but the all-knowing Heather insists that Vicki was in on Cancer-gate. Vicki swears she wasn’t and didn’t know Brooks was lying nor does she understand why the girls care so much. Heather just knows that Vicki was part of the lie and needs her to own up to it.

And round and round we go with no resolution.

It’s a vicious cycle because these are some stubborn women who are all convinced they’re owed an apology — but for what? I’m really having trouble deciphering what’s going to make things better and really, what IS so terrible about moving on? Vicki broke up with Brooks — he’s no longer around! Isn’t that the real win here? Or are the ladies just bored without him to pick apart?

I’d just like to point out that Brooks is still winning. Lying about cancer is its own separate category of vile — but he also wanted to drop a match in this group and watch the friendships go up in flames. You know he’s sitting at home watching with a bucket of all the fried, fatty foods Vicki took away from him when he was supposedly going through chemo and is maniacally laughing at how he got Vicki to take the fall for his ugly scheme.

But Vicki’s in a tough spot. Heather, Shannon, Meghan, and Tamra are a pack of wolves who will not back down without an apology from Vicki. Or being told they were right and Vicki was wrong. I personally think if Vicki told them all that they were right that they would throw a parade in her honor.

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But as Heather and Vicki wrapped up their conversation, Vicki admitted that there were a lot of red flags from Brooks that she ignored. And again, Heather just didn’t understand why Vicki couldn’t have called them all up and said the magic words: “you guys were right.” So bottom line, nothing was resolved. Vicki is still an outcast who feels the women have lost all compassion for her, and Heather thinks that if Vicki won’t outright apologize, she’s at the very least going to need to have conversations with all the other women. Because heaven forbid they too miss out on this merry-go-round of “apology chicken.”

But let’s take a break from Vicki for now. The middle of the episode actually gave us interesting glimpses of where everyone else is in their personal lives, hopefully setting the stage for drama that has zero to do with Cancer-gate.

NEXT: Kelly Gives Zero F—s

I’m still warming up to our new housewife, Kelly. She’s almost like a kookier Erica Jayne coming into the fold and giving zero f—s. Except when it comes to her daughter Jolie’s education. Jolie has a fever and stomach ache, but Kelly insists she go to school because she missed three days last week… in my day I had to puke up a body part before my parents let me stay home, but maybe things have changed?

Heather has taken her whole family on a fabulous Turks and Caicos vacation. She desperately wants Terry to connect with the kids and make up for all the time he’s missed while filming Botched. I’m assuming that Bravo couldn’t get the rights to play “Cats in the Cradle” in the background as Heather laid it on thick about how fast time was passing them by.

But Terry really is one of my favorites and one of the masters of giving zero f—s. He proved that tonight by taking his place in the “Giving Zero F—s Hall of Fame” and admitted in his confessional that he actually doesn’t feel guilty that he’s not seeing his kids. He feels guilty that he doesn’t feel guilty! By a show of hands, who thinks Terry is sleeping in the guest room tonight? (Though their guest room is probably nicer and bigger than my entire apartment building!)

Sadly, Tamra is dealing with a lot of nasty family drama. Unfortunately, the reports that came out since last season are true and her son Ryan is having massive problems (including claims of domestic abuse) with his baby mama Sarah. They’re not living together right now (she’s in the house that Tamra paid for them to move into, Ryan is in an apartment), and things are looking bleak for a reconciliation. Tamra is dangerously in the middle, something Eddie warns her to back away from, and for her sake I hope she stays out of it but is still able to see her granddaughter. I feel for Tamra—she’s really got it rough when it comes to keeping her family intact.

Ahh and then there’s the ballad of Shannon and David. As established last week, it’s been almost two years since “the affair” and their therapist made it clear that it takes about that long to move past it. And well, based on their romantic Valentine’s Day dinner conversation about the 45-minute dump David took before going on his run that morning, it looks like these two crazy kids are stronger than ever. Knowing the intricate details of their bowl movements are apparently part of their love language because last year Shannon got a piece of Dr. Moon’s home colonics system stuck up her butt, and it was David to the rescue.

Thankfully David did not present Shannon with a bouquet of a Dulcolax as a V-day gift but instead got something he knew that Shannon “wouldn’t buy herself.” And since she had no idea what it was (possibly a necklace, maybe a necklace/bracelet combo, maybe it was a dog collar), he won there. Turns out David has a knack for buying gifts that Shannon needs to let grow on her. Maybe by the four-year mark of the affair she’ll be rocking it? Speaking of the affair, Shannon isn’t completely over it yet. She’s waiting for the day that she can say she’s happy about it because it made her marriage stronger — but she’s not there yet. David, just go to Tiffany’s the next time and it’ll be like that affair never happened!

NEXT: She Came in Like a Wrecking Ball

And finally, back to the drama at hand. Even though Meghan very explicitly warned Kelly about befriending Vicki, we’re learning that Kelly also gives zero f—s when it comes to entering a new circle of friends. Kelly makes a very formal phone call to Vicki and invites her to lunch. And you know what? These two hit it off because a) Kelly likes to whoop it up and b) Kelly had absolutely nothing to do with Cancer-gate. So sure, to hear Vicki tell it, her break-up with Brooks was harder than both her divorces and her friends left her during her time of need. And while I do think Kelly and Vicki would eventually hit it off during normal circumstances, when has Vicki EVER been so welcoming to a new girl right away? Never! But Kelly is the only one right now showing even a bit of remorse for what Vicki went through with Brooks, so she gets an unprecedented free pass.

Which brings us to the final act of the night. Meghan has all the women — minus Vicki — over to demolish a wall in her kitchen that she can’t stand. Shannon comes dressed in a hard hat and sturdy boots, talking like a dude — or as Tamra says, a “lesbian named Deb.” I think it’s more like a very bad impression of Tim Allen à la Home Improvement. The ladies bang and drill the wall — and then it’s time for the real wrecking ball to come swinging through. Kelly announces that she went out to lunch with enemy number one: Vicki.

Now that she has everyone’s rapt attention, it’s time for Kelly to turn into Dr. Phil and shame them all for ignoring Vicki at Heather’s party. She demands to know why they were so mean. And while she’s at it, Kelly wants Shannon to know that she’s aloof and standoffish. Oh and Tamra? Kelly is shocked to learn that she hasn’t seen her daughter in more than two years. No surprise there, Tamra breaks down and cries.

And now that she’s basically knocked the wind out of the room, Kelly makes things even more uncomfortable by revealing that technically she should be divorced from her husband — they were separated for two years — but he wouldn’t let her go through with it. It was easier to stay together than try to finally leave him. But it’s okay because even though she can’t answer the question “do you love your husband?” — he’s a really nice person. Who she compares to Hitler. And was deemed a narcissist from a psychiatric evaluation. And now we know why she has a bar on every floor of her home!

Is it just me or am I the only who can’t get Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” out of my head now?

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Bravo turns its cameras on California's ladies who lunch (and shop, and tan, and get plastic surgery, and bicker…)

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