Things heat up mildly as we hear from Jim Edmonds, Briana Culberson, and a separately taped appearance by Brooks.

By Sean Evans
October 27, 2015 at 02:44 AM EDT
Credit: Nicole Weingart/Bravo
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We’re back for a second helping of too much information with the ladies of Orange County. Things start to heat up a bit, and Jim Edmonds deigned to appear on camera beside his wife one last time, though — spoiler — he mostly vents about how poorly his prior filmed moments with the missus have gone. The highlights:

There’s a rehashing of all the moments that made you wince, though none are as cringe-worthy as when Andy asks Shannon, “Why did you decide to do a colonic hours before you were to wear white.” Gross, guys.

But wait: It gets worse! Andy asks about Vicki’s ignorance of the definition of circle jerk. Although Briana later informs her mother as to the precise usage of the phrase, Vicki believes it to be “some sexual thing where you jerk something and circle around it.” Tamra asks if the group can do a circle jerk, forcing Andy to set her straight: “No, you don’t have penises.” Then everyone goes “Ohhhh,” as the meaning dawns on them. Vicki ends this horrible discussion with, “I was a circle jerk.”

Heather’s house is still “a lot of work.” Inquiring viewers want to know why Heather claimed it was Terry’s dream home when they were installing dream sinks and closets for her. “Terry likes to build houses, and we build the house. But the ‘we’ is me. So of course I’m going to going to make it fabulous.” While she plays coy on the total budget, Heather does think it’s obscene, but “everything is relative. It was reasonably over budget.” The other women ply on backwards compliments about the forthcoming residence because they’re all a bit jealous. C’est la vie.

Everyone agrees that being married and being on a reality show is real hard, you guys.

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Vicki’s ex-husband, Donn, is semi-retired now because of what she’s paid him. “I’m working like a dog, and he’s out golfing. But he doesn’t speak to the press, so he’s a good man to divorce.” Donn, I think Vicki just wrote your eHarmony bio.

Andy would like to buy any of Heather’s unused embryos, of which there are presently two. Get enough cash for a fourth wine cellar, Heather.

The first question thrown at World Series Champion Jim Edmonds is a softball. Who in the Edmonds’ marriage has got the harder life? They both agree it’s Jim, “because baseball is just his job. He goes to work, and he comes home. With the show, it’s his personal life,” Meghan in-articulates.

Jim Edmonds isn’t sure how he ended up looking like a jerkface repeatedly on national television. “You see yourself and go, ‘Wow. Did I act like that?’” he muses. Yes. Yes, you did. Cue the montage of Jim acting like a jerkface. After, a fan would like to know why Meghan lets Jim Edmonds get away with treating her like a child. “I don’t,” she says. Where’s all that footage?

Next: Learn what Brooks allegedly nicknamed his manhood!

Andy calls out Jim’s near-constant condescension of Meghan, to which Jim Edmonds replies, “It is what it is. They were filming a lot, and I was tired and annoyed. I wasn’t ready for all of this. I wasn’t ready for TV to catch everything.” Meghan defends him by saying it’s hard to have cameras around a lot, “though I’m not defending his behavior.” Uh, what? Jim says everyone he knows “was laughing about our banter.” Good to know Jim’s friends call his misogyny “banter.”

Jim Edmonds claims he never told Brooks his relationship was on the rocks, prompting Vicki to “clarify.” She was off with her time frame and apologizes. Fun Bus is apologizing? Quick, check that Hell hasn’t turned to a frozen wasteland and that pigs are still incapable of flight. Meghan snaps that Vicki’s admitting to lying. “Not on purpose,” says Vicki. We won’t get to the bottom of this, so Andy moves to irrefutable smack talking, serving up footage where Vicki thinks Tamra’s attire and behavior at her sex-tape party should result in removal of custody of her children. Oh. Boy. “Sorry about that,” Vicki flatly says after a tongue lashing from Heather. Vicki also apologizes for calling the Edmonds’ marriage bad, to which Jim says, “If it’s a guy [who says that], you grab him around the neck. If it’s a woman, you just say ‘whatever.’” Great “banter,” Jim Edmonds!

Meghan cops to having signed a prenup…suggested by Meghan. “To protect the children. I never wanted them to think I was going to take from them.” The women find this “admirable.”

During a round of Monday-morning quarterbacking, Jim would’ve “been nicer to [his] wife. Begged for forgiveness and some more sucking up.” Don’t you have to already be doing something to do more of it?

No, Shannon wasn’t punishing David by putting their affair on television: “We thought we can show you can repair a marriage after something so horrendous.” Heather commends Shannon, though she would’ve punished David.

As to the reason for David’s extramarital liaisons, Shannon blames herself for nagging. Heather thinks this is “bullshit,” and the other women agree. “You’re the victim,” Tamra says. “Not David.” Shannon thinks it was all worth it, though she’s not quite reached her prediction, about how one day she’ll think this was the best thing to ever happen to her. Keep seeing your non-licensed therapist, Lemon Bowl.

Vicki doesn’t know that a shark is a fish and that a horse is a mammal. “Aren’t they all just animals?”

Brooks broke up with Vicki, but Vicki knew they weren’t going to be together long term. “We had too many issues to make it a life mate,” she says, adding the conflict with daughter Briana — sitting beside Vicki on the couch — was too much and “my children are my priority.” Briana is quick to voice her disagreement, citing Vicki’s disbelief in Briana’s claims of Brooks’ ungentlemanly conduct.

Brooks allegedly hit on Briana while she was pregnant. She told Vicki, who called Briana a liar, adding that Brooks would never want her. Sheesh. Time seems to have changed little. Of all of this, Vicki snuffs, “I have to believe this because my daughter said it.” Here, Briana drops the bomb. Brooks “wanted to show me his ween ween and said it was big and his nickname was Girth Brooks.” Wow. Wow. Wow.

Andy sat down with Brooks in NYC outside this reunion because there was a “scheduling conflict” with Brooks’ “work.” As for the dissolution of Bricki, Brooks doesn’t blame the show, just the women and Briana and the constant conflict that arose from each party. “Briana would lie because of hearsay and manipulation,” Brooks drawls. “They’re projecting their own personal issues onto Vicki.” Mouth agape, Briana flips him a double bird when Brooks accuses her of leaning on Vicki financially, and the hour closes with Briana calling Brooks a scumbag for lying about the Gunvalsons accepting Brooks.

Have you ever lied on accident, like Vicki? Do you think Jim Edmonds hated every moment of this? Where do you think Girth Brooks ranks in terms of manhood nicknames?

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The Real Housewives of Orange County

Bravo turns its cameras on California’s ladies who lunch (and shop, and tan, and get plastic surgery, and bicker…)
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