New psychics, new fights, and many more drink orders! Plus, Jim Edmonds returns and he's no nicer!
Shannon and David call their daughters into the living room about the sleepover incident where the girls toilet papered someone’s house. Their excuse? Everyone does it! “Dad said he did it.” “Yes, but that doesn’t make it right,” David says. Let’s hope the girls don’t follow this logic and assume cheating is okay. David now chuckles that he used to throw pumpkins at mailboxes, which is not stuff to tell children, Shannon chides. The kids think Shannon’s being harsh, to which she says, “I’m the queen of fun.” The perfect set up for her daughter to say, “For, like, drinking.” OH SNAP. ROASTED FOR ALWAYS BEING TOASTED. BY YOUR OWN KID. She’s not going to address her drinking problem with her offspring. David says they’re to write a letter, apologizing. The elder girl finds this embarrassing. “You don’t understand a 10-year-old life. I don’t like you,” she says, hobbling off on crutches. Ten bucks says ShanShan poured herself a little vodka right after this encounter.
Next, Jim Edmonds is back! After three and a half weeks away! And he’s willing to go to a meal of food with Meghan! Somewhere in public! Wow! Things he’s not willing to do? Look at his wife in the eye after they sit. The menu commands his full attention. Womp, womp. Meghan wants to know what it was like with her gone, fishing for a compliment or sappy response. Silly Meggers. Jim Edmonds doesn’t do nice: “It was quiet.” Talk turns to “delinquent” Hayley, per Jim Edmonds.
Meghan tries to talk about Hayley’s future plans, or lack thereof. As a senior, Hayley should have at least picked out the community college she’ll be attending, Meghan thinks. But she’s done nothing. This, like many other things, does not faze Jim Edmonds, who responds to Meghan while only looking at his burger. “Well, it will wake her up when she tries to do something and can’t,” he says. “She doesn’t have a drive, so don’t waste the time on her. Don’t get your hopes up.” Jim Edmonds, I’m running out of ways to call you an a–hole that are suitable for printing here.
Eddie describes how to get swole to Tamra’s mother, who doesn’t really care. Tamra’s oldest and biggest screw up, Ryan, is headed back to town and needs a job, but Eddie won’t give him one. Then Eddie talks about having sex with Tamra to Tamra’s mother, hammering home his point by actually hammering his two hands together. Eddie, meet common sense and decency. Common sense, meet Eddie. I can’t believe you haven’t met yet! Tamra pivots this awkward conversation to her “spiritual adviser,” which is her term for psychic. He knew things about Tamra, and they’ve all come true. Eddie—and I—are skeptical. What’s one accurate prediction he’s made? “EVERYTHING!” Tamra snaps, including that Ryan would be having a girl and that Tamra used to brush her grandmother’s hair as a child. Wow. That IS everything. Tamra’s going to have a new reading. Oh boy.
She meets Heather for lunch. We hear their booze order, because we must hear these booze orders until our ears bleed. Meghan comes and takes Heather’s “purse chair.” Rude, Meghan. Tamra admits that she’s never actually met the psychic; she’s been speaking to him for one year via phone and FaceTime “a few times every week.” I wonder how much this dude is hitting her credit card for every month? He arrives and the girls think he’s hot. “If he were a good psychic, wouldn’t he have known I wanted him to come in with his shirt off?” muses Heather. Easy, ma’am. He starts the reading by ordering a whiskey, because he doesn’t need to be sober to make up crap. Then he gives the rundown on how he works and lets Heather know “your grandmother is knocking to let me know she’s, like, there. And I’m seeing a weave, like you two were a tight knit type-of-thing.” Man, I am in the wrong profession. I want to be able to say generally accepted universal truths to people and be paid handsomely for it.
Next he reads Meghan, but I don’t know what he said because I was too busy staring at his hand motions, which were more exaggerated than most mimes. Tamra brings up ShanShan’s comment about Tamra being a “sh– stirrer” though Scotty boy thinks ole Lemon Pledge Bowl Beador finds Meghan to be the real threat. Which confirms what Meghan always thought! OMG. Next Vicki. Scott closes his eyes and envisions his next series of lies. “The cancer issue is wishy washy. I just don’t see it. It’s very possible [Brooks] doesn’t have cancer,” Scott says. And with that, these women are off and running down the path of Brooks is a liar. Brooks may be, but you need better sourcing than a psychic named Scott who drinks whiskey at noon.
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Scott now hedges his bets. “I’m not a guru; I’m not Ghandi. I don’t see it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.” So you’re essentially saying nothing, Scotty. Why even open your mouth, guy? Now at this point, I should say that were Scott a real psychic, perhaps he would’ve foreseen the news that hit today: Brooks and Vicki broke up. Alas, no mention of that and the meal and this farce ends. Know what I see in the immediate future? A fight over what this man has just said.
Now Meghan and Tamra are at the gym because Meghan can’t get her “butt to grow and apparently it’s really bad to get butt implants. You have to go to a bad doctor in Brazil or something.” In comes Vicki and Tamra uses her Michael Jackson chin mic to shout to these two women from three feet away. The rest of the housewives arrive and Tamra starts this booty class. Suddenly they’re all running outside, except for ShanShan who “pees in my pants when I run.” Housewives: Please stop telling us about your medical issues.
Shannon exercises about as well as Elaine Benes dances, and Tamra thinks people would buy tickets to watch Shannon poorly exercise. She’s not wrong. Class ends and cake is here for Brooks’ birthday. Also here? Brooks. Someone breaks out some sake and instantly everyone’s got a cup. To recap: These women are drinking booze in a gym immediately after working out. I have little doubt they would see nothing wrong with a little tipple in the back of an AA meeting.
Meghan invites everyone to a NASCAR race in a suite soon. Everyone’s in but Vicki and Brooks. We hear how Brooks is pausing his chemo and moving onto antioxidant blasting. It’s a treatment his new doctor used on himself to get rid of the same “cancer that I did [have].” Did? “That I do have; he did.” Tamra also picks up on this, calling it odd. There’s now a Q&A about Brooks’ various treatments and it mercifully ends when Ryan and Tamra’s granddaughter arrive at the gym.
Tamra talks to Meghan, Heather, and ShanShan about how Brooks shunned Shannon’s offer to link him up with her cancer doctors, citing a lack of paperwork or some nonsense. Now Brooks’ every word and action is being picked apart, all the contradictions called out. Meghan says “the psychic said Brooks doesn’t have cancer.” Dammit, Meghan. That’s not what he said. Parse properly, you dummy. Tamra gives the qualifier that “he’s not right about everything,” Woah, woah, woah, Tam. You LITERALLY said he was right about everything earlier in this episode. Heather tries to clarify that he didn’t say that, though Tamra jumps in and says she texted Scotty, who reiterated not seeing the cancer. Everyone heard the had/have comment, so that’s now discussed, while Tamra offers Brooks’ “sketchy past” into evidence and this trial in absentia continues to roll off the rails.
This bunch of medical degree-less women, drinking sake in a gym in their workout attire, continue to discuss the finer points of cancer treatments until we finally get a reprieve and jump to Brooks and Vicki going out for his birthday dinner. Shannon and David are there. We hear another drink order, though this one actually serves a purpose because Brooks orders a tequila, which Shannon finds peculiar for someone who has cancer. Shannon feels “dirty inside for having devastating information they don’t know about.” Brooks orders another drink and Shannon can’t take it anymore and demands Vicki “go potty” with her.
Once again, we’re in a bathroom with these women where a visibly upset Shannon starts to tell Vicki what transpired at the gym. Vicki doesn’t want to hear the negativity and walks away, saying “f— that.” Vicki returns and outs Meghan to Brooks and a weepy Shannon tries to clarify her intentions. It doesn’t really work and Vicki’s shooting the messenger, according to Brooks. “F— this bulls—. I’m going to spare Brooks from any more negativity, especially because he’s dating me,” Vicki shouts at Shannon while standing before storming out. “That wasn’t good. That wasn’t good at all,” says David in his monotone, maybe-serial killer voice.
Do you think Brooks has cancer? Do you think he’s been “spared” now that he’s no longer dating Vicki? Did you snort with laughter at the sight of Shannon exercising?