The gals return to the Berkshires to make cookies and destroy Luann's happiness.

By Tim Stack
May 24, 2017 at 10:00 PM EDT
Bravo

American Horror Story: Back to the Berkshires. I always say it but when the Housewives leave their respective towns the craziness is amplified. It’s like they can only breathe local air and any other air turns them into insane people. Dorinda’s annual trip to the Berkshires is a pretty damn good example. But before we get to the House of Glowing Orbs, there was a lotta build up…

We’re still not-so-subtly planting the seeds for the Bethenny/Frederick spin-off. The Million Dollar Listing realtor comes over to inspect B’s apartment. He thinks there’s too much clutter while Bethenny makes innumerable references to hookers. She really loves a whorehouse joke. Then, they have a tacky convo about how much she could sell her house for (the answer is $5.25 million). Like, do we really have to keep talking about how many millions Bethenny is netting? I get that this is a show about rich ladies, but this feels a little much.

Ramona visits Carole’s house which is slightly bizarre because she never ventures downtown. I’m surprised frankly she didn’t combust passing 23rd street. Carole tells Ramona that a friend of Luann’s insinuated that the Countess is having doubts about Tom. Ramona then tells Carole about her friend “Ann” who apparently was groped or almost groped by Tom recently. HAPPY ALMOST WEDDING, LU!!!! While this convo is happening, producers crosscut it with footage of Luann walking with Tom and picking up horse poop. Now that is some grade-A reality television production, Team RHONY!

Finally it’s time to return to Scary Countryside—I mean the Berkshires. Dorinda admits she’s a little nervous that she’s bringing the girls all back to her upstate home, so she’s inviting them in three waves—Team A is Sonja, Ramona, and Tinsley; Team B is Bethenny and Carole; Team C is Luann. Poor Luann.

Also Dorinda’s house is sorta like if a World Market went out of business as well as a Spencer’s Gifts. There’s like every kind of holiday paraphernalia possible as well as some weird glowing orbs.

Tinsley comes later than the other blondes because she meets up with her mother Dale in New York. She also says hello to her father who, spoiler alert, is dead and just a box of ashes. It’s not an un-weird moment. I guess her mom does not travel light. Tinsley’s mom is exactly how you would expect her: dressed in all white, strong brooch game, and Southern local news anchor hair. She would really like Tinsley to start dating someone who’s 50. Unclear how she landed on that number, but that’s her dream. She’d also like Tinsley to have kids and claps when her daughter mentions how many men there are in New York. I think we all saw this coming.

Speaking of parents, Carole goes shopping with Adam’s parents which is super weird given that Carole hasn’t even introduced her parents to Adam. She also goes on to say how great she is with parents and that parents “love” her. Um, I didn’t get warm and fuzzy feelings between her and her own mother but I may have been distracted by Carole’s Muppet coat.

Everyone but Luann arrives in the Berkshires, and the talk is how many of them seem to think Tom is still unfaithful. Bethenny has heard tales of him having an affair. Ramona has “Ann.” Carole has Luann’s pal saying she’s not so sure. It’s not looking great. They all tell Dorinda because she insisted all future Tom gossip goes through her. In a weird moment of strong vocabulary, Ramona says Luann will be “crestfallen” if this all falls apart. Like where did that come from? Is it the country air? Does it turn Ramona into a Rhodes Scholar?

Sonja and Tinsley then get in a big fight in the kitchen (that kitchen has some cray energy) about Tinsley’s hats. Apparently she asked Ramona’s intern Connor to open the door for a hat delivery and that really set Sonja off. She screams, “You get your own goddamn hats! Period!” Question: Like how many hats is Tinsley receiving a week? 5? 20? I’d like footage of these hats, Bravo.

Right around the time when everyone is set to decorate cookies(!), Luann arrives. While Bethenny is icing a gingerbread man’s dong, Dorinda takes Luann into one of the rooms and tries to break the news to Luann. But the Countess claims she’s “100 percent” into Tom and this marriage and it all. And we all know marriages that start on reality TV always work out for the best!

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