Have you guys cued up Boyz II Men? Because it’s the end of the road — and I’m feeling totally emo about it! Luckily, Andy kicks us off with lots of sex stuff, so shake off those tears and let’s get to it!
Okay, no, I take it back: Hearing about Sonja being allergic to Harry Dubin’s sperm is too much. (Hearing about Harry Dubin at all is too much. I get chills — the bad kind — every time I see his creepy face.) Also, Bravo, casting side note: This show needs lesbians. Get on it!
Andy moves on to the Soft Porn Incident that started the great Ramona-Bethenny feud, with gobs of clips to go along with it, including footage of Mexico, a.k.a. the best episodes in the history of Real Housewives of New York City. (Best part? After the clip of Ramona and Bethenny in the pool together, hugging — with Bethenny buck naked — Bethenny says sarcastically, “Everybody likes to hug when one of you is stark naked,” and Sonja smiles genuinely, as in, “I agree.” Oh, Sonja, I love you so much.
As Andy questions Ramona about bringing up Bethenny’s “soft porn past,” Ramona does seem genuinely contrite and ashamed, possibly for the first time ever? And while we’re here, let’s clarify something: Bethenny did not appear in a porno. Bethenny, who was trying to make it in Hollywood, appeared topless and in a sex scene in a movie, Hollywood Hills 90028, as many actresses do. (Actresses, I’m guessing, that Ramona likes and respects.) So can we dispense with the slut shaming, ladies? Also, glass houses, Ramona: If Avery can hear about you having oral sex at 17, then I’m pretty sure when Bryn’s old enough, she’ll be okay finding out her mom was once in a movie. We good?
Where was I? Oh right: Ramona regrets her behavior this season…until she wilts in the face of Bethenny’s quick comebacks and gets defensive. So we’re back to fighting. (Which, I’ll remind you, is still better than Harry Dubin’s sperm.) Honestly, Tinsley, Carole, Sonja, Dorinda, and Luann could have sat there (respectively) shopping/venting about Trump/doing a bad French accent/drunkenly stabbing a table/falling in a bush and literally no one would have noticed. This is purely the Bethenny-Ramona show and truly nobody else needs to be there.
That is until we pivot to the less interesting feud of the season: Sonja vs. Tinsley. These two really do epitomize the word “frenemies.” Sonja gives some loopy spiel about being hard on Tinsley because she was protective of her and looking out for her best interests. Listen, Tinsley was not the best houseguest. Sonja, own that. She was not great. But that’s not really what she’s upset about — she’s envious that Tinsley isn’t sitting home and brushing her hair or paying her respects in whatever way Sonja thinks is appropriate, but because she’s uncomfortable with her envy, she’s making up some cockamamie story about looking out for her. (That’ll be $175, please!) Also: Tinsley’s seafoam-green Enchantment Under the Sea dress is growing on me.
AND YAY WE’RE UP TO THE MEXICO PART! And oh my god, I forgot that we spent an entire episode on Ramona and Sonja running around trying to claim rooms. (Andy asks Ramona an amazingly astute question that never even occurred to me: Ramona was nearly not even invited on the trip. Where on earth did she get the gall to insist on the best room?) Thankfully we don’t spend much time there, and it’s on to clips of Sonja getting drunk and saying to the gals, “Let’s just all have sex,” and Dorinda getting drunk and suddenly sounding like she has a cold and looking like she’s conducting an orchestra, and Luann getting drunk and falling all over the damn place. Life is better in Mexico.
Andy ends the finale with another round of Rose and Thorn about the past season AND LUANN SAYS TOM AGAIN. Well, in fairness, she says her wedding, and it’s actually sort of appropriate (except that that’s her rose from her life, not the season, but whatever, I’ll allow it. Especially if I’m going to allow Carole’s thorn to be the day after the election, which I AM).
So where does that leave us, friends? With tequila shots and a long, cold wait until we’re back in the arms of these Upper East Side broads. If I didn’t know Danielle Staub was coming back to Real Housewives of New Jersey, I’m not sure I’d be able to handle it!