Real Housewives of New York recap: 'Tequila-thon'

Let’s face it: The world is crap right now. But at least we have the RHONY Mexico trip. That is the one thing that is currently providing me with joy. I will watch Luann falling into bushes for the rest of the Trump presidency to try to dull the pain, much like Carole taking shots out of her giant horn necklace.

So we’re still in Mexico and we’re still arguing about a dumb Page Six article! Tinsley has basically been on her phone all weekend rereading this article. She’s prob 90 percent responsible for its page views. While she’s spiraling out, the women wake up and do yoga, including Luann, who looks like she spent the night at a kegger. By her own admission, Luann says, “I got so wasted.” Um correct, former Countess. You fell into bushes and onto a patio. As someone who’s personally fallen drunk, I feel your pain but also confirm your intoxication. Tinsley at least has a pleasant morning: Her new boyfriend Scott, who was set up through Carole, sends her two bouquets of flowers. Get it, Mortimer.

So half the house goes surfing while Tinsley, Ramona, and Sonja stay home to lounge about and fight more about Page Six. I gotta give props to Luann, who clearly was facing a wicked hangover and still hauled her boozy butt to the beach. I wouldn’t say she like crushed surfing (her face and the water had some major battles) but still props. Bethenny is actually decent at surfing, and I was pleasantly surprised that she didn’t wear like a Skinnygirl wetsuit. I’m sure the surfboard had some sort of low-cal juice branding on it.

After surfing, the ladies head into town for some shopping. Ramona is clearly angling to get on Bethenny’s good side, so she just starts buying her gifts. She buys her a dress. She buys her a purse. I’m surprised she didn’t buy her a Señor Frogs t-shirt. The best part is Ramona thinks she’s being sweet and buys a straw purse for all the women, except she forgets Dorinda. Nuthin’ gets past ya, Singer. Meanwhile, Bethenny’s credit card is blocked, prob due to international purchases, and she insists her assistants were supposed to take care of this. Somewhere, that poor girl holding a laptop and Googling closet moths is freaking the f— out.

Back at the house, Ramona gets a blowout in her room while Sonja joins Bethenny and Carole in the hot tub. She says part of Ramona’s sadness is that she and Mario used to have sex Every. Single. Night. Sonja knows because the walls of Ramona’s Hamptons house are super thin. As this is happening, Ramona emerges from her room and heads to the beach, where she then proceeds on an incredibly awkward jog. It’s almost as if there are like paparazzi down there or something. Or she sees a mirage in the form of Beautique. Later they all head to dinner, where Carole explains the meaning of a circle jerk. Guys, she worked for ABC News — she knows stuff. We then learn that Ramona is hooking up a lot but only using her mouth because, in her own words, she’s Catholic.

It’s finally time for the big trip to the tequila plant. Bethenny originally was adamant that Ramona not go but then decided to let Singer slide her way in after one dress and straw bag. Ramona wears a scarf not around her neck but OVER her face. She’s gotta protect that “baby skin” due to her chemical peel. She sorta looks like a character from Mad Max: Fury Road. While at the plant, the ladies are given big horn necklaces, which Luann immediately takes a liking to; we know her love of statement pieces. But she also says she “could have a lotta fun with that horn.” Journalist Carole immediately responds, “Like a butt plug?” Important questions. We’re then treated to like a five-minute montage of the women describing how the tequila felt going down their throats. It’s… not subtle.

They have a few small bites in between what appears to be 10 rounds of tequila. Bethenny makes a speech about girl power, which would be moving if they didn’t all start fighting and talking s— about each other like five minutes after returning to the house. Sonja is full-throttle tanked when they get home and immediately starts badgering Ramona about how much she misses Mario. Then, Bethenny starts badgering Sonja about how she’s badgering Ramona. In between, Dorinda takes a really nasty fall on the pool rope swing. Next week: DRUNK DORINDA!!!!