There's drama going down in the ski lodge

By Carla Sosenko
July 05, 2017 at 10:00 PM EDT

As far as Housewives episodes go, this one is sort of by the book. Luann is still defensive about her marriage, Dorinda gets tipsy, Bethenny is Bethenny, and I’m taking a drink every time Ramona says “Aspen.” The good news is, with these badass broads, anticlimactic is still pretty climactic. We’re back in idyllic, peaceful Vermont, where Ramona is making breakfast in a negligee. (Bethenny is not interested in breakfast because she “had a muffin,” though I do not believe her, and Sonja’s breakfast is simply coffee, which Ramona delivers to her in bed because she is comatose under a blanket, making Sonja my soul mate.)

Today’s activity is skiing, which is apparently a prerequisite for being a Housewife. (Seriously, am I the only person who didn’t ever learn to ski?) While Ramona is playing mama bear to Sonja, Bethenny (who is dressed like a cartoon robber) gestures to Tinsley (who is dressed like a kitten) and says, “Can you c’mere?” which is never a good sign. She then shockingly apologizes for her behavior the night before (you’ll remember that she went after Rin Tin Tins for squatting at Sonja’s but complaining about it endlessly). This is the kind of thing Housewives does so brilliantly: It makes you simultaneously empathize with every one of them while also finding them infuriating. Because of course Bethenny is right: Tinsley can move out if she’s so unhappy (surely there are apartments near where she gets her hair blown out), but going after her when she’s down (traumatized from her last relationship) is a page straight out of the Ramona playbook, and we all know how Bethenny feels about Ramona. I sometimes wonder what would happen if all the Housewives just waited 10 seconds before expressing every impulsive thought. Wait a minute, that’s a terrible idea. Moving on!

Sonja and Carole emerge and join the ladies (sans Bethenny, who cannot wait a minute longer to get to the mountain), and I have to admit: The breakfast Ramona cooked up looks delish. Alas, it is not eggs à la Francaise, and therefore it is not good enough for Luann. In other crazy things we have never heard before, this week Luann introduces us to the word “partouze,” which (I think) is French for “threesome” and therefore a fancy threesome. Sonja and Luann are at it again because Sonja can’t stop bringing up the fact that she had a “onetouze” with Luann’s now-husband, Tom. (“Onetouze” is a word I just made up meaning “twosome.”) Sonja refuses to apologize, and so they’re at an impasse. (My money’s on a Showdown on the Mountain™ spin-off.) Carole’s strategy for getting through the weekend, BTW, seems to be drinking coffee, saying nothing, and poking herself in the forehead. You do you, girl.

Everybody’s off to ski (except for Dorinda, who opts out — ostensibly because she’s not a very good skier, except we know it’s because she’s the smartest and chooses bingeing on Netflix in the cabin instead of heading to the mountain, where Sonja is definitely going to scream at Tinsley or Luann is going to scream at Sonja or Bethenny is going to scream at all of them). Eventually, she and Carole head to the lodge to drink hot chocolate and ginger ale and gossip about their friends, because they are also my soul mates. The hot topic? Luann’s bonkers admission that she was upset no one had offered her the nice room out of respect for her recent wedding. First, have these women actually ever seen what a not-nice room in a ski chalet looks like? Because I assure you, ALL THESE ROOMS ARE NICE. But more important, ON WHAT PLANET DOES GETTING MARRIED ENTITLE YOU TO A BIGGER ROOM WHEN YOU ARE TRAVELING WITHOUT YOUR SPOUSE?

Sorry. (Deep breath.) After some impressive skiing and snowboarding (seriously, Bethenny is crazy good on her Skinnygirl board), the real drama goes down in the lodge: Carole confesses to Dorinda that Bethenny’s ex was just arrested for stalking, which is almost as upsetting as watching Ramona try to flirt with her hot young ski instructor. (And while all of that is happening, Carole attempts a hit-and-run intervention with Tintins, which goes about as well as you’d expect.)

Back at the house, Ramona is doing Sonja’s hair because they like having the same style and also because they’re 14, but Luann is not impressed because it looks wiry. Sonja’s going to join the trip to Mexico because chimichangas? (She literally said that. I don’t know.) Tinsley confesses that though she’s been shopping a lot since she got back to New York, she’s economical about it, like only spending $700 on a dress and not going crazy. And then it’s time for dinner, yay! The Housewives keep it calm, talking about weather, the news… JK, they talk about the first time they had anal sex, try to make out with the waiters, and yell. (Also, Carole had sex with George Clooney, and Sonja believes in the Pretty Woman rules of going at it — no kissing!)

In the end, there are wood ships, and good ships, and ships that sail the sea. But the best ship is friendship, may they always be. Until next week, when Sonja gets her pleasure palace lasered.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda—and oh, yes, Bethenny—are in a New York state of mind.
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