There's a new housewife (Jules) and a new set of boobs (Ramona)
Welcome to a world where no one discusses Munchausen syndrome. The gals of the Real Housewives of New York are back. We’re down one shapewear creator (Heather) but we’re up one Asian Jewish lady (Jules). I for one am just happy to be in a Housewives world where there is actual conflict and awkward conversations about dry cleaning.
So we open with last year’s rookie Dorinda back for a second season and visiting Bethenny’s new apartment. I remember Bethenny’s apartment being one big Skinnygirl branding opportunity (a lot of red and white), but I think it’s been scaled back. It’s a really amazing apartment. Dorinda claims she’s taken a break from drinking (DON’T YOU NOTICE HER BEAUTIFUL SKIN?!?!?!) but Bethenny calls B.S.—she saw Dorinda do-rinking in the Hamptons. This is like the Housewives equivalent of I Know What You Did Last Summer a.k.a. I Know What Martinis You Did Last Summer. Bethenny updates us that Carole is very much in love and basically in hiding with her young man friend, Adam. Oh and Dorinda says she wants to bring a new friend to lunch (and into the television program): a lady named Jules. She’s apparently quite sunny, which will naturally not last with this group.
Carole now has a baby. Well she has a puppy named Baby. GOTCHA. But she and Adam seem really happy and do cute couple things like wearing ripped jeans and buying cameras together.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is Ramona who’s single aside from a big new pair of boobs. She’s hitting up bars with her lady friends and mispronouncing the wait staff’s names. Basically, she’s YOLO-ing or whatever the YOLO equivalent is on the Upper East Side. And she’s super psyched that Avery is 21 so she can come to the bars with her. But Avery is not real into men buying her mother drinks or watching her mother flirting. Well, Avery, you better buckle up.
Meanwhile, Sonja has a new intern named Juliona, which I’m pretty sure is a made up name. Also — WHERE IS PICKLES? Sonja’s upstairs painting furniture when Luann stops by to announce she’s going to stay the night there. It seems that Luann has a date and wants a place to crash. But Sonja is not cool with her bringing back a date to the house. This isn’t Turks and Caicos, Countess! Somehow the conversation turns to Luann being part Native American and having more teeth than the average person. This appalls Sonja because it really impacts Luann’s oral sex life. Then, we get a nice confessional where Sonja explains how one performs oral sex. What a time to be alive.
NEXT: Lunch dates on lunch dates on lunch dates
Bethenny and Ramona then have a lunch date at Sarabeth’s in Tribeca and immediately launch into a convo about balls. Between bites of frittata, they also discuss that Dorinda and John have been having a real wild summer out in the Hamptons. And Bethenny admits she recently saw Sonja and Luann the drunkest she’s ever seen them. This season is sounding a little Leaving Las Vegas but with more furry vests.
Now it’s time to meet Jules. She’s Asian and Jewish, which she talks about a fair amount. She has two kids named Rio and Jagger, the first of whom is a little girl who wears furry vests. Already she’s on trend in the RHONY universe. They live in Flatiron (Is that allowed on this show?) above her husband’s office. And she believes in bribing her children. That’s pretty much all we get.
Bethenny pays a quick visit to her new office so she can announce the smell of pot wafting from the elevator and that she wants to shake things up at the brand. Her staff look at her silently as if they don’t know if they’re allowed to speak. Seems like a really fun place to work!
Next it’s Carole’s turn to have a meal with Ramona. They mostly talk about dating and how Ramona is going out a bunch. Ramona just apparently saw a “re-gay” band, which, of course, is actually a reggae band. But she sure enjoyed their “Brazilian” music.
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The climactic meal is a three-way lunch date between Dorinda and John, Bethenny and her cute date, and Jules and her husband. Dorinda is naturally wearing a fur vest with some sort of bedazzling involved. John is super, super creepy the whole time like touching Dorinda’s cleavage and being weird and making jokes about dry cleaning. He talks a lot about stains, which is just like a big nope. Bethenny does not seem real into Jules since the new gal reminds her a lot of her mother. If we’ve learned anything from Bethenny’s therapy sessions, it’s that she does not have fuzzy mommy feelings. Thank God this show is back! Bye Munchausen!!!