Don't kill the messenger

By Amanda Bell
August 25, 2016 at 02:34 AM EDT
Credit: Bravo
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We’ve got to give the gal credit: Bethenny Frankel definitely called it that her good deed of bearing bad news wouldn’t go unpunished. After days of sitting on the secret (and photo proof) of Tom’s wandering eyes and lips during the ladies’ Miami trip, Bethenny finally pulls LuAnn de Lesseps aside and gives it to her straight.

An abridged paraphrase might go something like, “Tom was caught kissing a girl at their favorite bar, and yes, I’ve done a little detective work on my own to confirm my source’s information. Oh, and there’s a picture to prove it, too, so look at this, call that sucker up, let him have it.” It’s solid advice, and Bethenny’s coming from a good place when she gives it.

Rather than placing blame where it belongs — that is, with her spit-swapping fiancé — the Countess basically decides to direct all five stages of the Kübler-Ross grief model squarely at Bethenny. Which can only mean one thing, fam: The Real Housewives of New York City season 8 reunion is going to be LIT.

Here’s what happened during tonight’s exceedingly frustrating season finale.

Not the Regency, Tom!

So, now we’ve learned a little something about how LuAnn operates upstairs. For her, the following facts about Tom and his frenchy photo friend make her willing to try and salvage their engagement:

  1. He was super-duper slammed and doesn’t remember anything, or so he says.
  2. They’d had a big fight that night and he was just not thinking straight [insert shrug emoji here].
  3. This person he played tonsil hockey with for so long was “ready, willing, and able” for an impromptu makeout sesh, so he “fell into her clutches.” (MAJOR EYE-ROLL ALERT.)

The one thing she can’t suffer, though, is how this all went down at their social spot, so pretty much all of New York has seen he’s a cheat. As Ramona rightly points out, she’s lucky she found out from a friend rather than get gobsmacked by tabloids like she did when Mario stepped out, but LuAnn’s not really interested in anyone else’s perspective on this issue, so her advice is relegated to File 13 upon arrival.

The craziest part is even though Bethenny said she didn’t know LuAnn all that well, she knew exactly what to expect when she came forward with all of this in the first place. She prepared herself for the inevitable 20-question onslaught that would immediately follow her big reveal by taking it upon herself to find every shred of inculpatory evidence available from the scene — up to and including narrowing down the incident’s time frame to the freaking minutes. Somehow, however, LuAnn decides to interpret Bethenny’s super-sleuthing as no-good nosiness and literally tells this woman to butt out of her business.

Oh, and she can probably go ahead and adjust the list of those who’d come and tell her about something like this ever again to a whopping “0.” After the backlash Bethenny got, why would anyone bother?

NEXT: Fiestas aren’t for frenemies…

Dorinda should never play Cupid again

Poor Dorinda. She’s not only responsible for having hooked up LuLu with a man she’d been warned was a notorious player, but now she’s getting the threat treatment from Tom himself over how she’s “going to play it” as his indiscretion travels around the socialite gossip sphere.

After Lu’s decided to keep him on as the future Mr. Countess LuAnn, Tom needs to cover his tracks (a scandal which Dory and Ramona Singer are dubbing “CoverGate”). He tries to blackmail Dorinda into doing his dirty bidding, by somehow convincing everyone they know that what they saw wasn’t real and that whatever happened didn’t.

Her response? NOPE. Nope, nope, nope. Nope. As Dorinda herself put it before, Tom’s “too old for that game.” Even though she’s come down with a cold, she gives him a hard pass on that offer. Attababy.

The horse piñata gets beaten to death

Bethenny’s season-ending fiesta is filled with fun trimmings — not the least of which is a mandatory photo booth, a piñata containing $10k worth of jewelry swag, and so much product placement for her SkinnyGirl brand we could easily get a contact buzz just from seeing so much of her booze strewn about the place.

But what really completes any RHONY party’s decor is the inevitable circle of screaming women that forms mid-center at some point in the night, and this time was no exception. It’s not just LuAnn and Bethenny who are at odds, though.

Also having a peevy moment with the hostess is Jules, who has become offended Bethenny doesn’t respect her struggles with an eating disorder. What she heard through the grapevine (*cough* Dorinda *cough*) is Bethenny was disparaging her for her difficulties, but what Bethenny really said was she wasn’t comfortable around her due to similar issues she’d seen with her own mother. Potato, poh-taht-to?

In the end, Jules has much bigger problems on her hands than some awkward secondhand soundbite from someone else. She and her husband, Michael — who were just inches from celebrating their eight-year anniversary during the finale bash — have since decided to divorce due to allegations he had been caught cheating on her. Ouch.

As for the rest…

Sonja Morgan’s still on the market, apparently, although she has met someone with “boyfriend potential” named Rocco; Ramona’s still living it up as a single-to-mingler who loves to laugh…especially at other people. Never change, Ramona. Dorinda and John are still, ya know, whatever. And Bethenny’s finally gotten the ex out of her life, and to quote the epilogue: “There’s no more bleeding for Bethenny, finally or otherwise,” whatever that means.

Five predictions for the reunion:

  1. LuAnn’s going to blame Bethenny for being a Tom-hating spy who hates the idea of the Countess being wed when she’s such a bitter man-hating divorcée now. (It sounds harsh, but don’t put it past her, guys.)
  2. Ramona’s going to get drunk and laugh at everyone in the room at least once. Of course.
  3. Dorinda’s going to backtrack on something else she said because, yeahhh, she’s a “sh*t-stirrer” all right.
  4. Princess Carole will sit there in a state of zen until someone pokes her back awake and she spouts off some random platitude before falling back asleep.
  5. LuAnn will be persona non grata once the entire room has called her on her Bethenny-blame-shaming B.S. That’s when Andy Cohen will knife the tension with a convenient commercial break, and they’ll finally talk about the sad stuff with Jules’ marriage. The end.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda — and oh, yes, Bethenny — are in a New York state of mind.

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