Bethenny and Jules compete for who can throw the worst gathering in the Hamptons
Credit: Bravo

Man, I thought the bra party was the most awkward celebration ever. Nope. That was just a lead-up to this latest trip to the Hamptons, which was full of shade. Sooooo much shade. Like Yellowstone levels of shade.

So Bethenny decided to throw herself a b-day party after her actual birthday was ruined by the bra party and John’s slurry attempt at a takedown. She has a real cute house, though I’m a little confused by the giant rubber duck in her front yard. Is that a piece of art? Is that memorabilia from Batman Returns? Like, I need a backstory. She and Carole chat before the party, and Bethenny gives her the heads up that Luann is probably going to show. Carole is not psyched. Then there’s a few cutaways to this weird angle from inside Bethenny’s house. It’s honestly a little slasher movie-esque. Like someone was filming them from behind the staircase. It’s uber creepy. I sorta expected Bethenny’s BBQ to end in bloodshed. But it was just emotional carnage.

So all the gals, except for Sonja weirdly, show up to Bethenny’s party. There’s also an odd assortment of cowboy hats. I don’t know why so many people, including Ramona, are wearing cowboy hats. Do they think they’re out West? Are they riding horses to this BBQ? Ramona announces early that she can’t stay because it’s “date night.” She’s attending some sort of black tie event back in the city. I’m assuming she will bring along the cowboy hat. Meanwhile, Bethenny is dressed like a construction worker — but like a fancy one. It’s all very Fifth Harmony/”Work from Home.”

So the entire party basically is people avoiding one another. Bethenny avoiding John. Carole avoiding Luann. Luann avoiding reality. Case in point, the Countess arrives with a hula hoop and then proceeds to demonstrate it in front of a crowd. No no no. Not on my watch. Your title is revoked if you hula hoop on a reality show after the age of 40.

Carole has zero time for Luann. They have a meet-up at the fire pit while roasting smores. Yep, this really happened. But Carole feels too burned by Luann. The Countess is just like, “Be cool, man.” Luann trying to be a hipster and relaxed makes me as uncomfortable as seeing pets in sweaters.

But the big stand off was between Bethenny and John. She just pretended he was there while she offered up Moscow mules and spiked hot chocolate. Or she hid in her toolshed bar. Finally, she decided to confront John because Dorinda was clearly even more upset by the whole thing. It did not go well. First of all, John did not seem apologetic. Second, Bethenny did not seem at all ready to accept his apology. It basically ended up with a stalemate.

Dorinda then started crying inside the shed bar. That’s when Bethenny decided to just suck it up and tell John that they were cool based solely on Dorinda.

Oh, and during most of this Jules was MIA because she was peeing in all of Bethenny’s bathrooms. Yes, that really happened.

Basically, between this and Kyle’s terrible party this year on RHOBH, the Housewives should put a ban on BBQs. And hula hoops.

WANT MORE? Keep up with all the latest from last night’s television by subscribing to our newsletter. Head here for more details.

The next day professional urinator Jules throws a brunch for all the ladies at their massive home. Bethenny clearly seems to have a rage hangover from the worst party ever. Even in the car on the way to Jules’ house, she throws shade on how far away they live: “You can get a lot for your money out here.” Hahhaha.

Bethenny is also not impressed with the fact that the house is under construction. She even has flashbacks to Alex and Simon’s house. Hahhaha season 1 Bethenny. Remember that gal? Also, where are Simon and Alex? I feel like I read they were living in like Abu Dhabi or something.

So as soon as she sits down with a bagel, Bethenny just starts spitting out insults about this home. “You are never going to be able to sell this! Hey, can you pass the low-fat schmear?” Okay, the last part didn’t happen, but that’s basically how it went. Oh, and once again Bethenny had a convo right in front of Jules about how skinny she is and how she’s not eating. Are people not noticing these conversations? They’re happening like 2 feet in front of them. Is there some sort of sound vacuum in that giant house? Also, why is there no furniture?

Then Luann shows up with a man friend who doesn’t look super-psyched to be there, and that’s Bethenny and Carole were like, “Deuces!” They decided to leave but not before checking out the indoor pool. They then basically ghosted. Like they completely snuck out without saying goodbye to anyone. But, to be fair, Jules was probably peeing.