Someone throw LuAnn a life raft already

By Amanda Bell
August 04, 2016 at 12:09 AM EDT
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The Real Housewives of New York City

S8 E18
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There’s no way LuAnn de Lesseps thought her engagement party on that yacht would be smooth sailing, did she? The Countess has been part of The Real Housewives of New York City since the very beginning, so if anyone should know well enough to keep a good lookout for icebergs ahead when the waters seem so still, it’s her.

Alas, it looks like her new off-the-charts bliss trip is completely misguided, because Captain Tom has been keeping some dangerous secrets below the surface. Let’s just say, this ‘ship is about to crash and burn spectacularly… Talk about man overboard!

Sonja sucks it up

Look, we all know Sonja Morgan is a walking hyperbole. She exaggerates like it’s her job (which it kind of is, right?), so when she says she and LuAnn’s fiancé were an almost-serious thing and starts shedding crocodile tears about what might’ve been between them, it’s hard to feel too much sympathy for her. We saw the exact same gulp-sob “poor me” routine not too long ago, when she was trying to bite Bethenny’s business model with that Flirty Girl fiasco.

If the facts line up the way she says they do, though, she might be right this time. Her story is this: She and Tom were bumpin’ uglies for a while there, and she thought it was starting to go somewhere real — until she got a text message send-off that informed her he’d met and liked LuAnn. Way harsh, Tom. This was all a matter of mere months ago, by the way.

She decides not to cower beneath the swell of awkwardness that is literally on deck, so she puts on her big-girl panties, pushes up her boobs (yes, really) and faces her former fling head-on with plans to keep on keepin’ on with her “flirtatious self.” She even jokes Tom should hook her up with a friend once he and LuAnn make it official — which turns him into the human form of the welp-dog meme, but hey. She ends up spending the rest of the night avoiding the happy couple and chats it up with a “silver fox” who’s really digging her décolletage.

The next day, though, she’s got something to say. As delighted as she is that LuAnn’s finally found someone new to put a ring on it, she’s pretty irked by LuLu’s braggadocio about the whole thing. “Don’t flash me with your ring and blind me. I’m already kind of stunned,” she says. Why isn’t Lu being more sensitive to Sonja’s feelings about the man she’d bedded just a few weeks back?! Why is Lu floating so high on Cloud 9 when Sonja’s down here in the dumps, per usual?! [Insert a thousand other Sonja-centric dilemmas here.]

Dorinda, for one, isn’t having it with Sonja’s histrionics. She’s a morning person (a.k.a. the WORST) and loves being a sh*t-stirrer like no other, but she won’t suffer Sonja’s sobfest right now. Dorinda gave the drunkest toast to ever happen on RHONY the night before — which says a lot — but she’s ready with the truth bombs by breakfast like a champ.

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Meanwhile, LuAnn isn’t actively begrudging Sonja for knowing her husband-to-be in such an, er, intimate way, but she’s also not ready to talk about it in detail, either. She wants to keep it professional — which is just as well for Sonja, really, because LuAnn’s clearly got bigger fish to fry right now regarding her betrothed’s revisionist dating history. (But still. Woe is Sonja and don’t anyone forget it!)

NEXT: Ramona’s got the receipts…

Ramona’s sour grape(fruit)s

New York City might be one of the biggest cities in the world, but its social scene is still way too small — Tom has had dalliances with not only Sonja and LuAnn, but Ramona Singer, too (even if he wants to wave that one off as a little nothing that barely ever was). It’s starting to become sickening, how many of these women he’s spent time with at this point. Make some new man friends already, ladies.

As Carole Radziwill (and a vintage video) confirms, Ramona met Tom about a decade before when he was skeeving on the bar crowd at one of his regular spots. He tried to make something happen with her by calling her “lazy” for some unknowable reason, and she ended up going on a few dates with him after she and Mario moved to Splitsville. It didn’t last long, but he was pretty into her, judging by the fact that he liked to trace hearts on her leg with the initials “TD+RS” in them. Ramona couldn’t make this stuff up (and besides, she’s a hot mess in so many ways, but she isn’t a liar).

Tom says she’s full of it when she mentions their handful of romantic encounters (that didn’t end up beneath the sheets, thankyajeebus), and as far as LuAnn’s concerned, they went on two dates like he said and that’s it. She’s not one bit interested in Ramona’s side of the story, even though it’s bonkers he’s trying to hide it, so she should “shut the f–k up” about it already. She even threatens to put Ramona out to sea if she doesn’t can it about her man.

Ramona’s got an ace in the hole, though. Turns out, LuAnn is the one who brought up her past with Tom in the press in the first place, and she’s got the newspaper clippings to prove it. Now it’s Ramona who gets to scream all the swears about keeping mouths shut, which is probably all she wanted to do anyway, so let’s put another W in the win column for Ramona.

Jules’ own junk

Dude, what’s up with Jules’ husband?! Michael might be a hardworking man and all, but when he regularly dumps the kids off for days at a time to go who knows where the second Jules steps away, that’s some shady behavior. What’s worse is that even when she confronts him about it, he gives half-answers about his whereabouts and shifts his way off the call without coughing up any real info about what he’s been up to in her absence. It could be an overreaction on her part, but when has that ever been true with these people?

Bethenny’s bombshell

LuAnn might be putting up blinders about the strange timeline of Tom and Sonja’s relationship (er, whatever you call it) and whatever happened with him and Ramona, but the person who’s poised to really destroy the pending union hasn’t ever been involved with him — well, that we know of.

Bethenny Frankel meets up with the girls in Miami after the party drama has subsided, and she’s got some nasty news she has no idea how to share with LuAnn. Their friendship is already pretty thin and superficial, so she doesn’t want to be the girl who shatters the Countess’ dreams of being a 2.0 bride by telling her the future Mr. de Lesseps was spotted swapping spit in a very public place with a model…and there’s a picture to prove it.

Bethenny’s got zero doubts about the truth of her intel — though she’s not going to reveal her source — so she knows it’s just a matter of time before she has to come out with it already. She starts by trying to figure out if maybe, just maybe, LuAnn and Tom are playing with an open relationship. Hey, it’s something Lu’s done before, so the possibility isn’t so crazy. But when she finds out they’re supposed to be monogamous right now, Bethenny realizes said beans will have to be spilled. So, just like their seaside voyage before it, the Miami trip is about to be a major bust.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda—and oh, yes, Bethenny—are in a New York state of mind.
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