Dorinda has everyone out to her country house and Luann wears a choker.

By Tim Stack
Updated June 03, 2015 at 12:30 PM EDT

I have said this over and over again. But no one listens. Going on vacation in the Real Housewives franchise is equivalent to having sex in a slasher film: YOU’RE F—ED. Stay home. Stay in Manhattan. Never leave the island. Even going to Alex and Simon’s in Brooklyn was a nightmare. Won’t these women ever learn?!?!?!

Tonight’s trip from hell involved everyone heading up to the Berkshires for Furinda’s birthday. Well, let’s first say that Furinda’s house is pretty incredible. It looks a little like the setting for the Berkshires remake of Clue but it’s huge. And weirdly has lots of theme rooms. There literally is a room with like green walls and fish hanging everywhere. It looks like a private room at Bubba Gump. In a tip of the hat to Furinda, pretty much every lady showed up at her house with some sort of fur accent. Heather showed up dressed like Cookie from Empire. It was like PETA’s worst nightmare.

Everyone seemed to love Dorinda’s house but oddly no one brought up that she had purple velvet couches. PURPLE. VELVET. COUCHES. I mean. Is she Prince? If anyone was waiting for a drinking game for this episode, it would be to drink every time Ramona says the house looks like an “English manor.” I think it hits double digits. Speaking of drinking, Lady Singer naturally brings a case of Ramona Pinot Grigio for the weekend. I like how that gal thinks.

It takes about an hour of arriving before the first fight begins. I’m telling you—Stay in Manhattan, RHONY cast members. Nothing good awaits you outside its boundaries. It’s like M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village only without the Amish clothing. Basically, the discussion of how people think John is a lil too touchy is brought up and Furinda flips the eff out on Kristen. It then turns weirdly emotional when Furinda starts talking about her previous relationships and how badly they ended. The switch in emotions this season is jarring. It would be a powerful moment if the whole time there weren’t two gold reindeer statues in the background decorated with red holiday bows.

Then it’s time for dinner. So Luann naturally puts on an outfit that makes her look like the barmaid at Ye Olde Saloon. She even goes for a choker. Did her statement necklace stylist go away or something? There have been some large missteps in the chunky jewelry department. At the restaurant, the conversation turned to Bethenny and there were supporters (Luann, Carole) and people who were not so into her (Heather, Kristen). Heather is real not into Bethenny and basically said she should get over her troubled childhood since everyone goes through traumas. For instance, Heather’s nanny just quit. HOLLA.

So there’s another arrival (Sonja dressed like she’s doing a community theater staging of Dr. Zhivago) and a detour into town (the gals go to a few clothing stores and Sonja talks about vibrators). But the real moment is Furinda’s dinner party for her bday. First of all, everyone looks nuts. Heather wears a hoop skirt as if she’s debuting as a debutante. Furinda is in a printed Pucci dress. Kristen is wearing a crop top. Carole looks like Lena Olin in Queen of the Damned. And then Luann gets all dolled up like she’s attending a murder mystery weekend. “It was Luann in the fish room with the Ramona Pinot Grigio bottle!”

Journalist Carole naturally decided to Google image Ramona’s date for the evening, her business partner at that weird sports bar. Turns out the dude also used to date Mario’s girlfriend. Who is this lady? Thennnnnn, Bethenny shows up out of the blue! But thankfully she doesn’t bring Skinnygirl products—just a bouquet of flowers (but perhaps they are low-cal florals). Well, Heather is not excited. Her hoop skirt doesn’t even get off the damn couch.

Finally it’s time for dinner so they all gather around Furinda’s gigantic table. Turns out they’re serving sushi, which completely threw me for a loop. I was expecting bisques and venison—things you get in the Berkshires. Bethenny reveals that she is allergic to seafood besides shellfish. Isn’t the opposite usually the case? Whatever. Heather instantly wants to find Bethenny more food and offers her some meatballs. Well Bethenny doesn’t want Heather’s meatballs. She doesn’t want any kind of balls from Heather. Now, this does not please Heather. What’s wrong with her meatballs? Why can’t she offer Bethenny her meatballs? She can offer Bethenny meatballs whenever she f—ing wants to! I’m exaggerating a tad but that’s basically the fight. Well, Bethenny starts SOBBING. “I don’t want attention,” screams the former host of a nationally syndicated talk show. Then, hoop skirt gets up and goes to grab Bethenny’s hand and take her for a private convo and Bethenny flips out more. I wish they would cut to the kitchen to see what the catering staff thinks of these loons. Then Heather sits down and starts crying herself. HAPPY BIRTHDAY FURINDA! To be continued….

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