Bethenny cries a lot and Heather reveals the worst tattoo idea ever.
Credit: Bravo

If there is ever a zombie apocalypse on the Upper East Side, Dorinda will be undoubtedly wearing a fur vest/shrug. The woman cannot show up to an event without that same damn fur thing. It’s like her blankie.

Tonight’s episode began with Fur-inda and Ramona having a meal, but poor Ramona was sick. She frankly sounded like Harvey Fierstein. So apparently Mario is trying to win back Ramona, but she seems to be hesitant, naturally. Mario has made up with Avery, a revelation that inspires Furinda and Ramona to clasp both their hands together like they just had an Oprah a-ha moment. Or like they just won a relay race.

So Carole apparently wants to continue procrastinating writing a book and fill her time as head of her Co-Op. Does she realize this is not a glamorous job? This is like the group that meets when the light fixtures in the lobby need to be updated. I mean like she’s not in charge of galas. She’s in charge of like not allowing crazy cat ladies into the building. Whatever. She invites over a team of political strategists as well as Ramona and Heather so she can plan strategy. For some reason, Carole chose this occasion to dress like a magician with like a weird cummerbund. Unclear if it was a Yummy Tummy item. Her big obstacle was that she’s been locked out of the building and called the fire department(!) and there was damage when they let her inside. Who calls the fire department?! Get a locksmith! Or just buzz your super. Ramona deems this #doorgate.

Ugh then we’re treated to another sit down with Bethenny’s therapist. IS THIS IN TREATMENT?! I mean at least on that show I got to look at Gabriel Byrne. Could Dr. Amador at least like spruce up his office with some art or a nice fern? There was further discussion on her difficult childhood. Do we as an audience really need to be part of this? I’m cool with like seeing Bethenny peeing in a bucket at her wedding, but I don’t need to be there for these therapy sessions. They’re too bleak. If I wanted bleak, I’d watch Southern Charm.

One of the episode’s big events was a magazine party honoring Sonja for being on the cover of Latino Show, which apparently is an actual publication! News to me! Also, it was a tad confusing since Sonja has zero Latin background but she’s apparently quite popular with Latinos based on research from her social media interns. It’s quite an event with all of the ladies attending and even Sonja’s dentist. But still no Pickles. WHERE IS PICKLES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?

Sonja also debuted her first dress from her collection, which was actually pretty cute. Heather, who was dressed like Dorinda meets Carmen Sandiego, was of course very interested in where Sonja was planning on selling her stuff and asked if is Kmart on the list. Well, Ms. Morgan did not like the assumption she was selling at Kmart. Does she not realize this is where Dame Jaclyn Smith has a collection?

Carole also decided to have a party for everyone to hear the results of her co-op vote. I’m not sure everyone realized this is not something that is televised but oh well. So everyone came over to her apartment and she made little pigs in a blanket thingies that people seemed to enjoy except for one rude baby who almost puked it up. Heather and Bethenny had a truly bizarre convo where Heather revealed she wanted a Maleficent tattoo on her hip. Bethenny’s response pretty much sums up the general audience consensus: “NO.” Big surprise: Carole wins, which she details to everyone over her phone, which is plugged into the wall. It’s all incredibly anticlimactic. The baby almost hurling was the most dramatic part.

Later, Carole and Bethenny go shopping at CB2 where Bethenny has a bizarre breakdown. She’s explaining how it’s hard for her to dedicate a lot of time to the girls because she has Brynn to take care of. Carole seems totally perplexed and half-offers a hug. Luckily, Bethenny has a Skinnygirl drink to calm her down. The whole scene is like the Steel Magnolias “Drink your juice, Shelby” but with Skinnygirl sparkler instead.

The episode ends with the girls going to a caviar restaurant for Furinda’s 50th bday where it’s revealed that Heather is a “caviar whore.” She’s also a person with terrible taste in tattoos (#Maleficenthead). It’s all fun and caviar until Luann, whose statement necklaces are getting smaller as of late, gets in a fight with Ramona about how they both were talking trash about John. I find the John/Furinda story soooooo boring and fights about them even more boooooooring. Can we just have an episode dedicated to fighting about Heather’s Maleficent tattoo?