Bethenny heads to Miami, and Carole takes heat for dating Adam.

By Tim Stack
Updated May 20, 2015 at 02:28 AM EDT
Credit: Bravo
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Ramona’s birthday is sort of like Interstellar—you don’t want to stop watching but WHY IS THIS STILL GOING ON AND ON AND ON? So, we’ve now entered like week two of the Ramona-bration. Ramona chose to have her birthday at something called Fishtail, which, call me crazy, sounds like something you find in a garbage can. Like why not just call your restaurant Stank? Also, I CANNOT believe Ramona did not book Buueauutique/Boooatique/Bewwwtique. I bet they give you balloons and everything.

Bethenny was pretty much in a bad mood this entire episode beginning with Heather greeting her with “Hey mama.” Bethenny does not enjoy that. You are no Bryn Hoppy, Heather. And then Ramona threw some shade as well, “You’re not a black rapper. You’re an uptown white chick from the Berkshires.” Welcome to my birthday party! Such close besties!!!

Carole was dressed like a bandit. All black. Big floppy winter cap. That’s all there is to say about that. The bunny ears were nowhere in sight.

Sonja meanwhile met a Swami Priestess named Robin with a really unfortunate, blunt bob. It was real Kathy-Baker’s-Lady-Neighbors-in-Edward-Scissorhands. Sonja had already planned a potential itinerary for her and her new priestess pal Robin. “We should get together and do a stabilizing meditation.” Maybe facials afterward?! She told Bethenny about her Swami priestess and basically inferred that she was taking Bethenny’s therapy advice. Bethenny was basically like, No I wanted you to actually talk to a shrink and not someone who refers to a “vortex of energy.”

Oh and Dorinda announced that she went to a party that almost led to a group shower. Presumably it was not at the Brightest Bar in Manhattan where she held her last soiree.

Bethenny’s therapist Dr. Amador returned in this episode. She once again discussed how brutal her talk show was on her. To be clear, she walked onto a soundstage each day and talked about removing calories from daiquiris. She wasn’t exactly a coal miner. I think her complaining about her life is just getting a little monotonous. She also announced again that she’s been through a lot and—revelation—she’s guarded!

Carole took Kristen, Luann, and Ramona to a boxing match at BB King’s. I’m very confused by that venue because that’s literally where you can go see like En Vogue perform now. I had no idea they also held sporting events. Apparently, at one point in her life, Carole took testosterone(!) and then got really into boxing. No other information was given. So the girls went on to watch the kinda janky boxing match. Ramona thought the boxer’s name was Larry when it was really Luis and then it was time to drink.

The ladies went to a midtown bar where Ramona asked if they had any steamed vegetables. Her order wasn’t even acknowledged. Heather met up with them and conversation led to Carole’s relationship with Adam. Well, Luann still isn’t into this since her niece dated him. But then Carole says Luann lecturing on dating young men is like the Saudi Arabian government giving a lesson in feminism. This is not going to end well on Twitter! Also, Carole is not getting invited back to the Hamptons next summer for Luann’s next estate sale. Then, Carole says Adam is like “Sawnya young” and that just sets Carole off. Or at least makes her seem a little less relaxed.

Time for a quick trip to Miami! Bethenny is down there visiting some friends, including her pal Teri who was her maid of honor for the wedding in which Bethenny peed in a bucket. Bethenny tells Teri she’s reconnecting with some old friends, meaning the housewives. I think that reveal was spoiled though by the ENTIRE CREW OF RHONY CAMERAMEN THERE. Bethenny also mentioned that she would be seeing her ex-stepfather who she had a major falling out with. Oh, but she also needed to meet up with Lu at Art Basel! Way less serious!!

While this was happening, Dorinda went and met Ramona at her gym, which appeared to be called Strive. I’m guessing it’s a more inspiring version of Curves. Something with a slogan like, “Be your best self…with a Kettlebell!” Dorinda doesn’t work out though—she prefers girdles, which I believe is no longer an applicable term. She should certainly never say that around the CEO of Yummy Tummy. Ramona revealed that she used to work out in a thong leotard with no bra. I blacked out for a brief moment.

Back in Miami, Bethenny, Luann and her daughter, Victoria, went to an Art Basel exhibit to check out Victoria’s painting. Well…it was a big old nude of Victoria and lemme tell you something: We saw everything from her Boo to her Tique. It was a little more than a little jarring. It was even more disturbing considering the next scene involved Bethenny feeding an iced cream sandwich to a hairy clown for $3. I blacked out for a brief moment.

Also, Victoria’s nips and vag portrait was $2,000!!!!!!!

Bethenny finally reconnected with her ex-stepdad John and it was just really uncomfortable. She kept saying “I’m not angry” but then would immediately follow that up by yelling something or getting teary-eyed. Honestly, I missed the hairy clown.

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda — and oh, yes, Bethenny — are in a New York state of mind.

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