'Real Housewives of New York City' recap: 'The Art of Being a Cougar'
Bethenny celebrates a birthday, and Carole gets more intimate with Adam.
I know I took a little hiatus last week from recapping RHONY but most of that time away was spent trying to figure out how to pronounce everyone’s favorite new housewives bar, Beautique. Now, Bethenny pronounces it Bowtique. Sonja’s more like Bewtique. I think I may side with Sonja, surprisingly enough. Man, between Bethenny claiming she’s homeless and her pronunciation of Beautique, I’m really struggling with her so far this season.
So we had a real Carole-focused episode, which meant a great deal of skinny jackets and distressed jeans. It opened with her and Heather on the High Line having a little girl talk. For those who don’t know, the High Line is an elevated train track in New York that’s been turned into a park. It’s also crazy narrow and packed with tourists, so if I saw a camera crew up there, I’d be all like, “Take yourselves back to Beautique. No room. HOLLA.” Sorry, but it’s a tight space. Beautique seems roomy enough for at least five cougars to awkwardly dance with semi-attractive car dealers.
Carole tells Heather that she’s been hanging out with Luann’s private chef Adam (also the one-time boyfriend to the Countess’ niece). Carole and Adam hit up a Halloween party at her friend’s club (GIANT NOPE) where Carole ingested an edible and was high as a kite. It all sounds very Emily Valentine/90210 when she drugged Brandon with Euphoria. CAROLE YOU NEED TO WATCH RERUNS OF BEVERLY HILLS 90210 ON POP TV. It’s like in the high 100s on Time Warner Cable. Adam took Carole home and she puked all over him. You know things ladies do when they’re middle-aged novelists.
Back at The Essex House, “homeless” Bethenny continues to live in absolute squalor. The hotel staff sent a lovely cupcake display for her birthday. Ugh it’s just really hard to watch. Like Les Miserables but without anyone being poor or Russell Crowe. Since it was her birthday and Bethenny wanted to keep things simple, she chose a bedazzled onesie with no bra, which required an assistant to both steam and zip her into. She’s not a housewife but she is real! And she invited all her good friends, like Heather and Carole, a.k.a. people she just recently began filming a reality show with. It’s always good to be surrounded by those who know you the best!
But two people who didn’t get the invite were Kristen and Dorinda. Scandal!!! Sonja brought her cute German fella Dominik who in turn invited his roommate. This dude actually had hit on Sonja previously. Is Sonja hanging out at like the German embassy? Carole attempted to bond with them by explaining she was the fit model for Jordache, but they weren’t aware of that brand. They seemed real True Religion to me. I think you all know what that means. Bethenny ended the party with a toast hoping that the dinner was representative for the year ahead—which I took to mean no bras, young men, and Skinny Girl red blend!
The next day Kristen is home with her housekeeper Jimilyn when she talks to Heather and hears about being left out. Feeling alone, naturally, Kristen turns to her housekeeper for support. Best pals! Jimilyn just isn’t having it. “Who cares?!” she says repeatedly. Fair enough, Jimilyn. Fair enough. Also, lunch looked good.
So I’m just not caring about the Dorinda/Hannah/John tension. Boiled down, Hannah is just real not into John. Doesn’t she realize how important it is to have a man around who can get red wine out of a Balmain cocktail dress in a pinch? It’s very important Hannah.
She also tells her mother that she’s a chubby chaser. Oddly, she says nothing about her mother’s addiction to fur-lined blouses. That, to me, is her real addiction.
Dorinda and John go to dinner later in the episode. She once again wears a crazily embellished jacket. This woman owns nothing that wouldn’t set off the TSA at LaGuardia—she would definitely get that wand treatment. But she and John fight about Hannah and Dorinda gets real sassy. She even sassily drinks the rest of her martini. But then just wants to go home. I kinda love her.
So then there’s another lady dinner and, again, Dorinda shows up with like a fur shrug. It might even be considered a fur harness because I don’t think it goes low enough to be considered a vest. Heather does show up in a fur vest for this sushi din that also includes Bethenny and Carole. Since it’s a fun night out, Bethenny decides to bring up dead husbands and tries to re-brand death. She doesn’t like the way it sounds. The Skinnygirl version of death will be available in no time. Perhaps sold in conjunction with those cute, tiny blenders. But then Heather brings up Kristen being upset that Bethenny didn’t invite her to her bday and truthbombs started dropping like alka seltzer tablets at Honey Boo Boo’s house. Bethenny said she didn’t really know Kristen. TRUTHBOMB. Bethenny said Heather was Carole’s plus one! TRUTHBOMB. Heather revealed she does a really good Kermit voice when she gets nervous. TRUTHBOMB. Then everyone sat in silence and ate their sashimi. Like gentleladies. I think Bethenny was just upset she got the pronunciation of Beautique wrong.