Let the reunion -- and the battles -- begin!

By Jodi Walker
Updated August 18, 2015 at 11:53 PM EDT
Credit: Bravo
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Sure, if you want to get a good workout in, you could start training for a half marathon, try Crossfit, maybe get a personal trainer… or you could just sit back and let the RHONY reunion show completely exhaust you. But isn’t it just the best kind of exhaustion watching women in sparkles argue with one another while knowing that you’re sitting comfortably on your couch without having anyone scream at you about the handsome 28-year-old man you may or may not be dating? Ah, the life of a normal person!

The Housewives of New York City, though, they are not normal… they are arguing, vacationing, allegedly coitus-ing machines, and their ridiculous bedazzled lives have been filmed and televised for months precisely so that we can bring them back together and watch them talk about it with Andy Cohen and a bunch of people like “Zan from Baltimore” who have taken the time to write in questions. And without heroes like Zan we might never know why Bethenny kept insisting she was homeless this season, why Sonja turned her foyer into an impromptu Ice Bar, or why it’s fine to sleep with younger men occasionally, but how dare you get monogamous (wait—still a little unclear on that one). So let’s give it up for Zan, and dive right into Part 1 of the three-part madness marathon:

Bethenny vs. Bethenny

Bethenny’s look—beaded pants and expertly cropped hair—wins the Reunion by a landslide (in last place is Luann in the universal Housewife uniform of iridescent Lycra and dramatic sleeves), so Bravo has to immediately take her down a peg, starting off the hour by making her watch a compilation of her crying and freaking out throughout the season. Current-day Bethenny easily accepts that she occasionally acted like a maniac: “I understand what everyone’s looking at… it’s harder to be me than to deal with me.” Things haven’t gotten any easier with her ongoing divorce, but she’s at least no longer putting her Spanx on in the back of a limo. Heather’s meatball aggression in the Berkshires is addressed, but they both take responsibility for what got them to that level and Heather says she’ll “practice [her] active listening skills.” That’s okay—more meatball fights please.

Sonja vs. Vodka

Sonja, however, is listening to her co-workers friends, but she’s having a little trouble hearing them. Heather considers the moment before going to Atlantic City when Sonja trapped everyone in her frosty foyer for an hour and a half without inviting them in to be when their friendship died, but Sonja considers it to be a moment that matters no more than any other time she’s trapped someone in her foyer. But mostly, they talk about Sonja’s fluid sexuality—“it’s awesome!”—and her drinking—less awesome. Sonja tries to tell them that there are a few people in that room who abuse alcohol, but they tell her she’s the only one who makes them worry. And truly worrisome is Sonja’s refusal to back down from her claims that she “partied with John-John Kennedy” when Carole tells her it’s insulting. Bethenny asks Sonja, “Do you actually believe your own bullshit?” but don’t worry, Ramona—completely silent for the rest of the hour—has it all figured out: When you’ve partied as much as Sonja has, it’s hard to ever stop partying!

Thanks for the clarification, Sanger.

The Princess vs. the Countess

Oh boy, this was a doozy, wasn’t it? It basically boils down to this: Luann is under the impression that it’s fine to have a one night stand with a twentysomething, but there is something inherently awful about dating one. And she wants us to be under the impression that she’s mad at Carole about dating Adam because he was her niece’s boyfriend and that Carole didn’t immediately tell her about it. But when you listen for the facts in between the screams it sounds a lot more like Luann is judging Carole for the age difference and dating someone who worked for her, and just trying to cover her tracks. But it’s hard to miss her tracks with the combined volume of her voice and that dress. It’s possible that Adam was still dating Luann’s niece when he started dating Carole, and Carole was being a little too flippant with her friend… but doubtful. I demand the return of Cool Luann!

What did you think of Part 1 of the Reunion? Did you find Ramona’s silence as eerie as I did? Do you think the women are being hypocritical with Sonja? How soon will Heather’s vow to active listening fly out the window? And was your position on #TeamCarole or #TeamLuann at all changed after listening to them argue about the merits of 20-year-old men for 30 minutes?

Episode Recaps

The Real Housewives of New York City

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda — and oh, yes, Bethenny — are in a New York state of mind.

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