The cleavage (and claws) come out for the second part of the Turks & Caicos trip.

By Tim Stack
July 01, 2015 at 05:11 AM EDT
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Welcome back to Turks & Caicos. Or as I will now be calling it: Tatas & Boobies. Sweet mercy there was a lot of cleavage. And sideboob. And underboob. It was a veritable breast-fandango. Frankly a good portion of the fighting was drowned out by all the heaving bosoms.

Post Sonja throwdown, Bethenny and Ramona have a heart to heart about her and admit they’re both concerned. Then they start crying about Ramona’s failed marriage, although I think Bethenny is crying for herself a lil bit. Also, they both clearly had some booze that night and if you were to analyze those tears, I’d wager 76 percent of them were made of Pinot Grigio. But the pair really had a bonding moment. For a while, I thought they might make out, but they just aggressively hugged. Also they kept talking about how great the “sexual relationship” was between Mario and Ramona. All I could think about was them playing tennis.

The next morning, Luann is naturally naked at the beach. So basically Sonja was not at all over the fight she had with Bethenny about her partying. Not only was she not over it, but also she was irate. Not helping things was Dorinda, who encouraged Sonja to speak up for herself and not let the ladies talk about her. But Sonja thinks she should be a life coach! Well she certainly could coach people on what kind of fur appliques are best and where to purchase the shortest Pucci dresses possible. Ramona comes downstairs in a neon bikini that looked real Wet Seal circa ’94 and pulls Sonja aside to talk about her. I think they talked about Sonja’s drinking again, but I was distracted by Ms. Singer’s boobs. It was like an eclipse.

Basically, Ramona told Sonja that Bethenny and the girls think she’s an alcoholic and then Sonja flipped out. She starts screaming at everyone, even Luann who made her a lovely scramble! Sonja heads back inside while a private yoga instructor shows up to stretch them all out. If ever a place needed some oms and namaste, it’s this weird block house full of ladies in weird beachwear. Well maybe it’s just Carole’s outfits that are weird. The women finally agree to stop talking about Sonja or they have to pay $100 to the charity for Dress for Success. But Heather can’t help herself and just wants to mention that Sonja told her she had a threesome one night after Heather and her husband dropped her off at home. I hope Pickles wasn’t there to see that! WAIT—WHERE IS PICKLES?

So this all goes on forever, and it feels like Sonja goes up and downstairs about three times and puts on and off her cover up. Bethenny struts around in her bikini and a fedora like she’s solving sand crimes.

Finally, it’s time for them to all go on a boat cruise, but Sonja stays behind so she can relax and workout in large cork wedges. I’m surprised that Bravo didn’t have them get on a boat with the Below Deck crew! Doesn’t that seem like the most ideal collaboration? Instead it was captained by a man named James Taylor but not THAT James Taylor. Luann is feeling real free this trip and doesn’t put on any undies and flashes Kristen her lil’ Countess. Once again, the boobs are out and on display particularly Bethenny’s. She does balance them out with an enormous hat. Bethenny and Kristen actually sorta bond… although it is on how much men love blow jobs. But Kristen is the one who gets the idea to dump water on Ramona’s precious hair. This was one of the best moments of the trip so far because it actually felt like everyone liked each other. It was like the Ocean’s 11 of the ice bucket challenge! Carole distracted Ramona while the girls gathered supplies and pulled off the prank.

The group heads back to the house to prepare for dinner. There are rumors that Sonja is inviting 10 guys, which freaks everyone out except for free-to-be-you-and-me Luann. The outfits are once again insane. Kristen is rocking a giant pink padlock that belongs on a bike messenger’s ride. Heather looks like a Miami samurai. And Dorinda’s skirt is short enough that it nearly shows off the full Medley. Speaking of Furinda, she starts sobbing when Heather doesn’t walk into the restaurant with her. It’s supremely bizarre, but, once again, if you were to test those tears, I’m betting there was booze in them. It felt like a real drunk moment. The dinner is actually kinda sweet and Ramona shows her vulnerable side once again discussing Mario and the end of her marriage. For all of Ramona’s craziness, you do actually feel bad for her going through something so public.

The next morning, Luann is naked at the beach once again. Money apparently can’t buy you class or bikini tops. ZING. Bethenny decides to make everyone lunch which means it probably has the caloric content of a Tic Tac. But Ramona wants to go to Boogie Ooogie’s or something. Basically it sounds like the Turks & Caicos equivalent of Boootique/Buuutique/Beautique. Bethenny calls her selfish, and they get in a big fight.

I’m frankly just waiting for the incident that inspires Luann’s now-iconic song “Girl Code (Don’t Be So Uncool).”

Ramona, LuAnn, Sonja, Carole, Heather, Kristen, and Dorinda—and oh, yes, Bethenny—are in a New York state of mind.
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  • 03/04/08
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