The gang heads to Turks & Caicos and Bethenny gets to yell some more.
Credit: Bravo

I have warned of this day. I have told them not to go on a Housewives vacation. But, alas, no one listens to Wise Old Man Tim. I’m like the old guy in the horror movie who would live outside the haunted castle in a shed and warn horny teenagers, “Don’t go in there. Something bad happened there.” And they wouldn’t listen. They’d go make out in the castle dungeon and then they’d get beheaded by like a ghost knight.

Now, no one has been killed by a poltergeist yet while on vacay on RHONY but there’s still time of course. But there’s always such enthusiasm going into these trips as if no one remembers the utter s—storm that was Scary Island!

But before we even get to Turks and Caicos, there was the conclusion of Luann’s Mannequin Mardi Gras. Thankfully there’s only a brief shot of Carson Kressley and he does not speak. Sonja shows up and immediately hits the step and repeat, which reveals that the event is also showcasing Luann’s cover of Resident magazine. I’m assuming this is the magazine for medical residents since magazines do not match with their covers subjects in the Real Housewives world (see: Sonja’s Latino Show cover). While Sonja’s twirling on the carpet, you can overhear Dorinda and Heather throwing shade on her slight weight gain. Not at a Resident magazine party! Those hospital residents just wanna have fun!

Ugh and then Bethenny and Kristen continued the fight that no one cares about. They sorta came to an understanding about this dumb Pop of Color trademark but mostly they just glared at each other in disbelief.

The best part was the return of the Swami priest Robin, who was dressed in a pink fedora and motorcycle jacket. It looked like she was about to head down to Hogs & Heifers and solve some mysteries. Then the Swami lady threw shade on Luann’s clothing and called it schlubby. And then she disappeared into the party…probably to solve crimes and meditate.

So finally we take off for Turks and Caicos. Carole decides to film everything for some reason. Already, the trip seems like the set up for Cloverfield or a found-footage horror film. They arrive at their mansion, which, to me, looked rather unfortunately like a gigantic tomb. Immediately, Ramona was upset with the lack of AC. She’s always moving and she needs a breeze. With all of the women in place, the trumpet was sounded for the 7th Annual RHONY Hunger Games. There was a sprint to immediately find the best room. Much like Katniss going for the bow and arrows, Sonja immediately headed for a room with a tub. Apparently, she and Ramona do not understand how to operate showers. Per Ms. Morgan, “You don’t want to see Ramona and I in showers. It’s scary.” Okaaay.

Ramona then almost immediately forces some strange man with a nametag on to help her unpack. You’d think it would just be cases of pinot grigio but Ramona did in fact bring clothes. She also wanted this poor man to figure out her flat iron.

While Shmitty McNametag is finishing up her room, Ramona gets into her best neon yellow bikini and apologizes to Bethenny for the Hunger Games. Bethenny then deems Ramona’s superhero alter ego “The Apologizer.” Please. If she’s anything, she’s The Turtle.

Finally it’s time for dinner and that’s when everything really goes to hell. Naturally, Carole is filming the event and locks in on Luann’s breasts (that Radziwill is in heat or something). Ramona comes in wearing basically a mesh dress by Michael Kors—“the high end line.” Also, she’s been coaxed by Sonja to go fully commando. I feel like people should always wear underwear when food is being prepared nearby, but maybe that’s just me.

The conversation quickly moves into Sonja flirting with one of Luann’s friends and her general party girl attitude/persona. Well, all of a sudden, Bethenny gets all up in her grill and starts lecturing her on listening to people. Sonja naturally keeps talking. Bethenny yells. Sonja talks. Bethenny’s veins pop out of her forehead. Sonja talks. Ramona asks for the first course to be served because she’s hungry. Sonja talks. Eventually, Bethenny explodes and just screams “Shut the f— up!!!!!” It all feels like a really lovely homage to the now iconic “Go to sleep!!!” uttered during Scary Island. I’ll bet Bravo is making that emoji right now!

Somehow they sorta get through the fight and end up okay. They head outside for some lobster like civilized ladies and then Luann’s like “Let’s talk about boys!” She then reveals that she had the most mind-blowing sex a couple days ago. WHY WEREN’T CAMERAS THERE?!?!?!? First they missed the Boutique/Beautique/Bootique night out where Sonja got sloppy. Now, we don’t even get to see a quick cut of Luann’s new man?!?! The Countess did also reveal she owns a vibrator. Money can’t buy you class, but it can get you some pleasure at The Sharper Image.