Well, for an episode that started out with a slew of EMTs arriving to make sure Sonja didn’t have a concussion after declaring that she was going to knock Bethenny out…it was a pretty chill hour of Housewives!
I mean sure, at various times, Bethenny is sometimes just… wearing a blood pressure cuff while getting her make-up done, but she’s very chill about it. And yes, people keep putting their hands into a claw formation and then just reaching up into their undergarments without explanation, but it’s all very delicately blurred. And, okay, Luann is regularly and consistently accusing Sonja of having various substance abuse problems and needing help when she’s about two minutes into her own sobriety, but she’s very—ha, just kidding, Luann isn’t chill about anything. She looks like she’s about to go full Dark Phoenix when she’s talking to Ramona about what happened at the dinner table the night before and Ramona won’t just agree that everyone is pretending to be annoyed with Luann about other things because they have a problem with her success.
I could have watched Ramona say, “Oh noooo, I don’t think that’s it” for an hour on loop, but first we really should talk about how Sonja got completely slammered from an alleged five welcome drinks, causing Bethenny to pull out her signature “GO TO SLEEEEP” banshee cry, causing Sonja to put up her dukes like a silent film start, and then somehow lose function of her ankles and just collapse under the weight of her own hair extensions. Barbara thinks she saw Sonja hit her head in the fall, so she and Bethenny call the paramedics to come make sure she doesn’t have a concussion. Ramona and Tinsley pretend to be concerned for about 10 seconds, but given that Sonja is open mouth kissing Bethenny’s butt cheek, they head out for another night on the town when Tinsley cries about the Coupon King and Ramona tries not to roll her eye(s) at her.
Sonja is indeed fine, and the EMTs even confirm that her pupils don’t indicate she was anything but drunk. She was, however, so drunk that I kept getting nervous that these EMTs were going to somehow arrest her even though that is not what an EMT does, and Sonja was in a private home. You guys, she was that drunk.
The next morning, Luann also has her concerns about how drunk Sonja was, but if you can believe this, they don’t seem entirely selfless. I think Luann sees Sonja’s behavior as an out to say she’s truly concerned for Sonja and that’s why she was telling everyone that Sonja is on pills, even though Luann’s real deal is that she literally cannot understand when people aren’t celebrating her every downward dog. She starts the morning by screaming out into their fancy house with a staff, “Can we get coffee, why is there no one here to help, ugh, where is everyone?” Bethenny wakes up looking the way that Bethenny does when she gets within breathing distance of and calls Luann the “Joan Crawford of coffee,” which is very funny.
Sonja wakes up, I kid you not, glowing, so she and Ramona strap on their one-pieces and heels to totter around the house, until Ramona finally caves and goes to talk to Luann, who’s pouting by herself outside. And to be fair, some of the other women were insane to her the night before. But for her to say that all they ever do is tear her down and that they don’t want to see her do well when some of them are responsible for helping her get sober, and all of them have literally gone to see her do well multiple times, is just some Luann revisionist history nonsense. The point that they frequently get wasted in front of her is perhaps valid, but it’s overshadowed by the delicious moment when Luann tries to start crying that Sonja could have hit her head and diiiied last night, and Ramona just deadpans, “You didn’t even check on Sonja.”
Unfortunately, that is the last time we can enjoy Ramona in this episode, because the rest of the time she is either flirting or preparing to flirt, truly the worst Ramona iteration. Apparently, a part of this Miami trip all along has been that Ramona wanted to host a party. Bethenny says that she’s been very controlling about who they can invite, the most important rule of course being, “You can only have penises, no vaginas.” For her part, Ramona invited two penises: her ex-husband Mario who she’s been getting very friendly with recently, and a sweet-seeming man named Kevin. I simply do not know where she finds these men.
Ramona’s so stressed out about having both men at the party that night—a thing that she did very much on purpose and attempts to wink at the camera no less than five times about—that she has to go relax at a different hotel with different friends when all the other women go to Wynwood Walls to take in some Miami art culture. Of course, she doesn’t tell them this ahead of time, she rides all the way there with them in the Uber, and then the moment they’re about to get out of the car she says, Oh I’m going to meet some other friends, and speeds away. It is really something.
So when the two artists that Luann and Bethenny personally know, Peter Tunney and Romero Britto, respectively, start handing out signed pieces of the art worth thousands of dollars, do they ask for an extra to-go piece for their dear friend ‘Mona. No, they do not, because they know she’s just out trolling for dudes in her one piece. “She’s running a volume business,” Bethenny says. And later, at the party that Ramona is hosting at a mansion she may or may not be pretending to own, they’ve cooked up a whole plan to reveal that they got expensive pieces of art during a toast that just turns into them talking about all the famous people Romero Britto has worked with and ends with Sonja shouting, “Barbara Bush, rest in peace!”
Ramona’s eyes bug even further out of her head than they usually do and it is 100 percent the most interesting thing that happens at that party. “Ya flooze, ya lose,” Bethenny says, absolutely on a roll tonight. And I’m glad she’s getting in some solid quips now because it looks like, after a season of her best behavior, our girl is going full anger rage blackout next week. What is it about Luann that does this to her? Well…I know what it is. RHONY is truly haunted—see you next week for some unearthed traumas.
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