By Jodi Walker
April 11, 2019 at 02:06 AM EDT

The editors can show that GOOD VIBES ONLY placard as many times as they want to—nothing is going to counteract a nautical-themed wine glass in a mountain home, full to the brim with rosé starting at four o’clock in the afternoon.

After 24-hours in the Berkshires, everyone has gone completely bananas. It truly is like watching an episode of the Twilight Zone. All the best horror writers in the world have nothing on watching Sonja Morgan turn full Little Edie with little more prompting than walking into a room and spotting a claw-foot ottoman that makes her think of the high society life she lost. It would be sad if it wasn’t so damn fascinating. The woman tried to wrap a dog around her neck like a pashmina at the dinner table. The other Housewives franchises must watch New York City the way I watch infomercials for those hair straighteners attached to a brush that promise to take my hair from Ronald McDonald to Little Mermaid: surely only sorcery could achieve this kind of perfection.

But whoever Andy Cohen sold his soul to (himself, with interest most likely) to make this season fire on all cylinders, I am thankful. Whoever cast Sonja T. Morgan all those seasons ago better be getting residuals checks, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure Bethenny said tonight that she paid for Luann’s rehab, and then Luann skipped out on the last two weeks to do her cabaret show. The high drama of it all — Game of Thrones WISHES…

But I do have to draw the absurdity line somewhere, and that place is insulting other people’s homes when they have invited you to stay with them, and given you masseuses and their finest crab-stemmed wine glasses.

Bravo

Yes, sometimes Dorinda’s eyes go back, her mouth fills with marbles, and she says things so hurtful they’ll melt the Botox clear off your jawline. But on this trip to the Berkshires, she has had the patience of a saint of as people continue to s–t all over the Fish Room in her house, while she showers them in amenities. Do I believe that room cost $250,000 to decorate like she says it did? Dear Andy Cohen, I hope not. Did I think a naked chef might take a little wax to his butt crack? Sure. But Dorinda is giving these women a nice weekend and in return, they are acting like…

Well, they’re just acting like themselves. Especially Luann, who spent a few seasons acting like she was a “not all uncool” Bohemian single gal, but now that she’s sober? She’s strapped her Countess statement necklace back on with a vengeance, and oh my, it’s a shiny one—three layers, turquoise everywhere, you really won’t believe the audacity of this thing.

Wednesday’s episode picks up where Friday’s left off, with Luann storming off from the dinner table after finding out that she’d be sleeping in a bedroom decorated with fish at Dorinda’s Berkshire manner. She dramatically asks the concierge of the inn where they’re eating dinner if there are any rooms available, and tells the camera, “I thought Dorinda would have been more thoughtful, like, Luann was really messed up the last time she was in that room, maybe I should put her in another room. LUANN. I respect if you want to put yourself in the best position to stay sober, but you cannot expect other people to remember every room you’ve ever woken up with a hangover in!

Luann goes back to the table and tells Dorinda that the Fish Room is “kind of like the scene of the crime,” and Tinsley once again offers to give up her room. But that doesn’t mean Tinsley will be in the Fish Room, oh no —that’s reserved for Barbara, who arrives the next day and ruins all of Dorinda’s GOOD VIBES ONLY. Earlier in the afternoon, after the yoga Dorinda arranged for Luann, and the pool she heated up for her, and the lunch full of crunchy lettuces she prepared for her, Dorinda pulled Luann aside for a gentle conversation where she told her that she can’t take back the things she said last year, but she is truly sorry for them and she hopes they can move forward. Luann says repeatedly that this is the kind of apology she’s been waiting for, and they really put this thing to rest. Dorinda wanted to have the conversation before Barbara arrived so that she wouldn’t interfere on behalf of the Countess she’s apparently been sworn under oath to protect. And also because…

Dorinda can’t stand Barbara. I don’t know if there really was a time when these two were friends and something just went wrong recently, but when Barbara toddles into Bluestone Manor, everything about Dorinda’s mood shifts. And it’s not made better during the house tour when Barbara passes by the Fish Room, then moonwalks back to it like she just happened to notice the fish and thought they didn’t fit with the rest of the house, and not like Luann has been texting her the whole way there to make sure to s–t on Dorinda’s Fish Room.

Dorinda, to her credit, keeps the simmering rage at a five, only letting the tiniest amount of spittle fly when sarcastically assuring Barbara that she’ll be just fine in the Fish Room, and if not, she can go to a hotel.

No, the full-tilt rage shift is reserved for Bethenny, who is the last to arrive, coming off a weekend in Boston with her new boyfriend, and more importantly, from seeing A Star Is Born for the first time. After telling Dorinda what an emotional experience watching it was for her, Dorinda relays the events of the night before, which included Luann scoffing at the fact that Bethenny was arriving last but getting the nicest room. This does not sit well with Bethenny who goes from zero-to-Soyoujustgonbringmeabirthdaygiftonmybirthdaytomybirthdaypartyonmybirthdaywithabirthdaygift in one second flat.

“Why is Luann talking behind my back at all, saying any negative thing about me whatsoever in any capacity, at all, in any iteration whatsoever?” she asks Dorinda. Later, when Barbara tries to blame Sonja for dramatizing Luann’s comments about Bethenny and the room situation, Bethenny has a follow-up question: “How could Luann in any iteration, say anything about me in any way in the land of ever?” Bethenny says that the only room Luann should be worried about is the rehab room she “acquired for her” that she was supposed to stay in for two more weeks, but left to do a cabaret…

The woman well and truly snapped. But then, in one of the more shocking twists in recent Housewives history, Bethenny just decides she’s going to get over it. She says Dennis’ death has changed her and she knows that coming into this situation and not picking every battle possible “could be helpful.”

Indeed, as many level heads as possible will be very necessary for what comes next…

Earlier in the day, Dorinda took the early arrivals to Ventfort Hall, a former Morgan family “cottage” that she thought it might be fun for Sonja to see. Sonja is really appreciative of her taking them there and doesn’t seem to find it an odd gesture at all. What’s odd is the way Sonja starts behaving once they reach the second story of the house. On the first floor, she was lightly talking about her connection to the Morgan family through her ex-husband and seemed totally fine. And then they go into a bedroom and it’s like Sonja becomes one of those ghosts who pushes people off balconies in The Haunting of Hill House. She’s darting around, talking about all the Morgan things she has to take care of and spend thousands on storing so that her daughter can have them one day. “See all these little things,” she frets to Dorinda: “I have all these boxes like this like this and they just fall apart and I try to keep that for my kids, you saw the one in my house.”

These boxes, they’re simply the best thing to have on hand for a full emotional meltdown, you understand.

Oh, Sonja. She’s really cut back on her drinking, but as she says since she’s cut back, when she’s going to drink, she’s going to drink. And when she’s going to drink, she’s going to…get possessive of Bethenny, I guess? Drunk Sonja becomes convinced that Barbara is angling at sleeping with Bethenny in some capacity, and she lets Barbara know at the dinner table that if she goes near Bethenny’s room, “I’m gonna punch your face out!”

Then she says they’re going to go all night, and thrusts Ramona’s dog up to her chest like she’s yanking up a strapless bra…

Then she briefly dabbles in last year’s terrible drama with Dorinda over comparing her ex-husband to Dorinda’s dead husband, which I’m glad Dorinda was away from the table for…

But not as glad as I was that she was gone for when Ventford Hall comes up and Sonja suddenly remembers that Dorinda ever so lightly touched a handwritten Morgan letter there, and starts screaming, truly out of nowhere, “You go in that f—ing house, YOU DON’T TOUCH THOSE F—ING LETTERS!”

Everyone’s eyes bug out, the room goes dead silent, and Sonja doubles over in sobs. So I assume everyone will just take an Aleve and hit the hay now, right? Right????

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