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I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving, though if you’re like me, you found it hard to concentrate on showing gratitude and stuffing yourself silly when you knew that part two of the Great Sigtails Showdown was looming. (Okay, I’m lying — I did not have any trouble concentrating on stuffing myself silly.) When we left off, Margaret was imitating Siggy in an unflattering, crocodile-tearsy sendup FOR THERAPEUTIC REASONS. The women cringed and giggled and recoiled in a way that suggested Siggy would not be pleased, but honestly, I’m not sure. The entire point of this completely not pointless activity is to imitate one another. Regardless of whether she ends up irate (or crying), the question remains: “And we’re solving things how like this?” That’s Melissa, quickly becoming the season’s voice of reason.
Except…the women make up. First Siggy and Margaret, then Siggy and Melissa. Everything’s great, everbody’s hugging. WHAT. I officially don’t know anything anymore and will be hiring Vikki the divorce lawyer as my personal therapist.
Oh wait, spoke too soon. It’s Danielle’s turn to go after someone. I mean…it’s Danielle’s turn to therapeutically try to mend fences with…Teresa?!? Hold the phone: Dolores has been her target all season, and now Danielle wants to talk to Teresa? “We’re in a really good place,” Danielle says through tears, “but I have a wound that’s really open still, and it’s really open for my kids.” Teresa’s offense? Calling Danielle a “prostitution whore” back in 2009. Danielle reminds us that her kids — then ages 13 and 11 — were present when Teresa lobbed the accusations at their mom and eventually flipped a table at her. I had forgotten this. Well played, Danielle! Because now I am feeling incredibly sympathetic toward her…and not so hot on Teresa. Dolores is not with me, though, and still doesn’t trust Danielle. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that Dolores is usually right, so…we’ll see.
But the retreat’s not over! The women are all dolled up for Empowerment: Sequins Edition. In this highly therapeutic nighttime installment of the retreat, Siggy asks the women to share something the other gals may not know about them. Margaret talks about the pain of not seeing her kids (we knew that already, but it’s sad), and Teresa admits that she has resentment toward Joe (we knew that, too, but she hasn’t really ever admitted it before). Dolores has the biggest admission, and no amount of preparation or sequins could have steadied me enough to receive it: Dolores, it turns out, is having a fair for animals over the weekend. I repeat, Dolores is having an animal fair. Do not adjust your screens. Do not email me to check on my well-being. None of this is a typo. This is Dolores’ big emotional outpouring. The message is clear: She does not want to share anything meaningful with this group of women, and you know what? Who can blame her. Animal fair it is!
The retreat is over (THANK YOU GOD), and over at Siggy’s, Teresa’s opening up about her complicated feelings about Joe, and Siggy encourages her to let herself be angry and to be sad. That’s all great, truly, but can we just pause for one second to talk about all these Chanel-inspired signs Siggy has all over her house? There’s one at the entrance that says “No. 1 Family,” and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen other ones inside that say “No. 1 Campanella” or something like that and what in the name of fashion is the deal with those? Why would a person have these? Sorry, I got distracted. TIME FOR THE DOG FAIR!!!
When is a dog fair not a dog fair? When it’s really just a way to gather the women together to throw more shade…this time in the sun! At a dog fair! With#cakegate finally (hopefully?) quashed, we need a new drama, and Danielle Staub is here to provide, via Melissa: Turns out Danielle thinks Siggy and Margaret’s quick reconciliation at the retreat was orchestrated by Siggy to make herself look better to her clients: “She needed to make sure she fixed her relationship so she can say to everybody, ‘I fixed my problems. See how good I am at what I do?’” Honestly? Not implausible. The question is why Melissa would bring it up… (Recap continues on page 2)