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It’s tasting night at Gorga’s Homemade Pasta & Pizza, and Melissa has made the mistake of inviting everyone. But look, sheath dresses were not meant to languish in closets, and these gals have a lot of sheath dresses, so out they come. And thank god for that, because if the women hadn’t shown up, we may have never heard Teresa and Joe’s dad talk about the fact that Margaret is “blond on the top.” “Blond all over!” she quips back. Oh, these crazy kids talking about people’s vaginas over pasta. Does the fun ever stop?
The whole gang assembles, including Danielle Staub, who I legitimately forgot was on this show. Honestly, if we’re going by screen time, Margaret’s mother, Marge Sr., is more deserving of her own tagline in the opening credits. I imagine it would be something along the lines of, “My daughter has pigtails, but I get a lot of tail.” Is tail unisex? And is it a butt? Marge has a lot of sex with men is what I’m saying. She’s a national treasure. She deserves a better tagline. I’ll work on it.
First order of business: trash-talk Dolores (your fault for being the last one there, D!) about her unconventional home situation. Her ex-husband just moved back in, even though the two of them have respective significant others, which seems like a good thing to gossip about. You know, two grown-ups living in a way that they enjoy and that works for them and hurts precisely no one. The good news is, the women quickly move on from critiquing Dolores’ living arrangement to critiquing Dolores’ supposed bad-mouthing of Teresa, and discussing whether Danielle is lying. Melissa says, “Danielle is the most misunderstood human alive,” to which I say, “PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” And to which Siggy says, “I am so much more misunderstood than Danielle in this group.” And there it is, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: when Siggy turns everything back to herself and (I bet you all my Isabel Marant dresses) the cake.
The room is divided into two tables: one with Dolores and Siggy telling their tale of woe to Melissa and Joe, the other with Danielle and Margaret (whom D has taken to calling Elly May Clampett, which is pretty funny), who hear all of it because the restaurant is the size of a New York City studio and also because this is reality TV and they are meant to clash over bowls of delicious-looking tagliatelle cooked up by Giacinto Gorga himself.
But guess what, I was mistaken: The object of Siggy’s ire is not in fact the cake, it’s the seaside memorial that Margaret planned for Teresa and neglected to invite Siggy and Dolores to. That is what Siggy is (suddenly) not over, even though she and Margaret made up over omelets just last week. In fact, she is so not over it, she goes after Margaret’s line of clothing (for being made in China? Or for being ugly? Honestly, I’m losing the thread here), and now it’s just a below-the-belt brawl. Margaret trashes Dolores’ implants and Siggy’s hair extensions, and Danielle Staub for some reason starts with Dolores about her boyfriend, which is (a) none of Danielle’s business, (b) a stupid thing to attack somebody about, and (c) not smart because Dolores is legit the most undercover badass on the show. “Pasta makes people happy,” Melissa pleads. “What is happening here?”
This week was exhausting — in a good old-school RHONJ way, with nary a mention of cake. (Okay, there was one mention, but I’ll allow it.) Things get X-rated next week, as we hear Siggy say she’s feeling sexual and see Margaret sans pigtails, which in my mind is like seeing her naked. Strap in, you guys!