Real Housewives of New Jersey recap: Season 7, Episode 12
Last week it seemed that nothing could get worse on the trip to Vermont from hell. Robyn threatened to “rage on” Jacqueline’s ass, but with Siggy and Dolores planning a swift exit for Robyn, it’s about to get much worse.
Dolores says Teresa’s probation rule of “no fighting” is a reason to kick Robyn out, but of course Melissa thinks this is all a ploy for Jacqueline to get Teresa all to herself. “It’s getting a little weird,” she says in her confessional. Dolores and Siggy try to explain their attempt to make things peaceful to Jacqueline, who inexplicably bursts into tears because she’s “on her period.” Melissa wants to make peace, so she pops over to Teresa’s cabin to (loudly) tell her sister-in-law that the rest of the gang wants Robyn to bounce. Only being down the hallway, Robyn of course hears all of this, so she does a quick perm and packs her own bag to leave.
Sorry Robyn! But let’s be honest: We really need an event with just the main ladies. Thankfully, they all brave the snowy weather to hit up Matterhorn for a late night meal. It takes less than a minute for Teresa to mention that she’s upset about the other two friends having to leave, which sends Jacqueline into a spiral of excuses. “I didn’t ask them to leave,” Jacqueline says to Teresa, who throws in the inevitable question, “Why would you sit in her lap?” All that ass raging that was being threatened last week never came to pass, but the aftermath of that possibility is doing some damage. Teresa throws the words “manipulative” and “calculated” at Jacqueline, which makes her see red. Siggy even points out that she can visibly see the pain being inflicted on Jacqueline by Teresa siding with the two new friends (Robyn and … an unnamed one?).
Even though Jacqueline attempts to flee, Chris jumps in to make sure that Teresa understands that it’s all coming from a place of love. Just when things finally seem to calm down, the two get back into it: Teresa tells Jacqueline to calm down and see that she escalated the issue with Robyn. Dolores tries to defend Jacqueline by putting most of the blame on Robyn, but Jacqueline just gets enraged and calls Teresa a “table-flipping bitch.” We’re then treated to a wonderful flashback reel of all the times that Teresa has gone off her rocker, including the infamous table flip, the time Teresa chased Danielle through the Brownstone, and the amazing moment when Teresa proved her strength by shoving Andy Cohen into his chair during season 2’s reunion. Jacqueline recaps that she was there for all of those moments and stuck by Teresa’s side as her friend. Then, many odd names are brought up straight out of The Sopranos like Kim D., Penny, and Johnny the Greek. Jacqueline — working at all costs to enact Teresa’s wrath on those she deems unworthy — labels these people “soldiers.” Teresa seems mildly annoyed by this accusation, but when Jacqueline pulls Melissa into the mix, it transforms into an all-out war.
If tensions weren’t running high enough, Jacqueline decides to bring up the Melissa Stripper Accusation of 2012. “She knows this is a sore spot for Teresa and I,” Melissa shares in her confessional. “She better get her little finger out of my face because I’m gonna break it.” Suddenly, the main fight transitions from Jacqueline versus Teresa to Jacqueline versus Melissa. Everyone sits idly by while Jacqueline calls Melissa a “fake, phony bitch.” Apparently the two share the same doctor, prompting Jacqueline to reveal that Melissa has had four nose jobs. I’m not sure why that applies here, but nevertheless, it’s a dig.
Melissa finally reveals that Jacqueline was the one to warn her about being called a former stripper, but Teresa jumps in to defend herself. “I think she warned you because she knew what was going down,” Teresa says matter-of-factly. This pushes Jacqueline into a true rage, and she jumps up from the table and starts calling Teresa a “criminal.” “I’m so disgusted with both of them, they’re trying to re-write history,” Jacqueline says. Having had enough, she goes outside where Chris joins her.
NEXT: Dolores orders buffalo wings to calm things down
Now with that lovely little fight seemingly ended, it’s up to Siggy and Dolores to find any silver lining possible. It can’t be ignored or overlooked that while Siggy expresses her sadness for Jacqueline, Dolores snags the waiter to order three helpings of Buffalo wings for the table. “We’re Italian, so,” says Dolores to the waiter, trying to appease any worries over what just went down in public. What’s frustrating here is Dolores and Siggy are truly trying to make healing possible, but Joe jumps in to keep the anger going against Jacqueline. It really shows how the alliance between Teresa, Joe, and Melissa is never going to break at this point. While this is something we’ve wanted for years, it’s become almost villainous. Jacqueline has her own issues, especially for getting involved when she shouldn’t, but the true heartbreak goes to Dolores and Siggy for being friends who are caught in the middle.
Taking a break from all of the fighting, we get to see a nice dinner at home for Joe Giudice and his girls. Audriana begins to get weepy over her dad’s impending prison sentence, but Malania and Gia quickly shut her down. “Don’t worry, I’ll get skinny,” adds Joe. Malania, being the medical professional that she is, tells her dad that there’s no way he’ll get skinny since his belly has already pushed past the point of return. “You’re bigger than most pregnant people,” she says as a final diagnosis.
Well, that was a nice retreat, but we’re back to the fighting again. Siggy and Dolores check-in with Jacqueline, who seems calm and collected after the verbal brawl. She calls Teresa poison and that the final fallout was a true sign that it was time to completely move on. Siggy finally reaches her breaking point, delivering a three-hour monologue to Dolores about her anger for the entire situation. Leave it to these ladies to crack a relationship expert. Even though this whole part is comical, it once again shows how Dolores and Siggy are the most solid thinkers in the gang. With a history full of vitriol and hate, Teresa, Melissa, and Jacqueline almost seem incurable, and this is made painfully clear to the two outsiders.
To top off this drama-filled episode, Kathy visits the Laurita home to hear about the all-out scream-fest in Vermont. Jacqueline seems to be coping with the entire situation, but Kathy seems concerned that this could snowball into a bigger problem. In case we didn’t get enough of the Stowe, we cut back to Teresa and Melissa going on a gondola ride into the mountains. The yuck-it-up girls scream their heads off and take selfies, but the topic of Joe’s upcoming incarceration sends Teresa into a fit of tears. Melissa consoles her sister-in-law, and the two express their thanks over the newly formed bond they share. As Melissa says, “and then there were two.”
Next week it looks like Siggy is in hot water with someone, which already sends me into a fit of rage knowing the patron saint of New Jersey will have to deal with this drama. Until then!