The Real Housewives of Dallas recap: Mad as a Hatter
The ladies break out their finest (and not-so finest) hats for (another) charity function
Previews for The Real Housewives of Dallas promised that the drama would be big because…Texas, but last week’s premiere episode fell a little flat. But with its second episode, the drama has delightfully picked up.
That drama surrounds a Mad Hatter’s charity function and the lack of manners brought to said event — with Brandi being the biggest offender. She shows up wearing a homemade hat that has plastic pieces of poop attached to it. So yes, the potty humor continues, but LeeAnne is having NONE of it. Read on as we break down the second episode of RHOD.
Cary’s Magic Junk
MARY SOLLOSI: Let’s start at the top! So Cary said her husband lost 80 pounds because—
C. MOLLY SMITH: Because of her “magic junk.” This is a family-friendly website, so we’ll just sum it up as they have great cardio workouts together. What a gem that Cary.
MARY: But I love Cary and Mark’s trilingual daughter.
MOLLY: She is so fabulous. She might be the most fabulous part of RHOD, with her sunglasses and very indifferent attitude.
MARY: I’m getting shades of Johan and François, from RHONY. Just rolling into the room, speaking eight languages, wearing sunglasses. Being like, “No, none of the above, bye,” and leaving. She’s already in the running with Milania for No. 1 Housewife offspring.
The Making of the Poop Hat
MOLLY: So Brandi and Stephanie made their hats for the Mad Hatter’s charity soiree.
MARY: Brandi calls her Mad Hatter’s chapeau the “poop in the park” hat… So I guess the potty humor is still happening.
MOLLY: Every once in a while that stuff works, like that scene in Bridesmaids, but that can’t be the basis of your sense of humor.
MARY: It’s all they have!
MOLLY: When they were making the hat, Stephanie told Brandi that she emailed LeeAnne, which I felt was kind of shady.
MARY: It was a little shady, even though I agree with Stephanie on the way she feels about things. But I also appreciate that she told Brandi because if Brandi had heard about it later from LeeAnne, that would have turned into such a scene. And it says a lot that she let Brandi read the whole thing. She wasn’t throwing Brandi under the bus.
MOLLY: Alright, the actual email was nice.
MARY: Stephanie’s trying to be conscientious of her position, and Brandi is screwing herself over one step at a time.
MOLLY: I feel like it’d be nice if Brandi and Stephanie could meet somewhere in the middle. Stephanie seemed to be trying too hard to act the part, and Brandi tried too hard to act opposite of the part.
Relationship Drama at an Awkward Barbecue
MOLLY: So LeeAnne and Tiffany and their respective beaus got together for a cookout…
MARY: When LeeAnne said, “We were party girls; we got kicked out of clubs,” I was thinking I’d like to see that!
MOLLY: Tiffany alluded to all this craziness that went down at the Playboy Mansion but didn’t elaborate. I’m like, please (no seriously, please) continue!
MOLLY: There was also all the talk about marriage. We’ve seen a little bit of this in the previews, so I think the marriage stuff is going to amount to some drama.
MARY: It was getting uncomfortable the way it was going this time. LeeAnne’s boyfriend actually called her “desperate.” On television!
NEXT: “The monster of the sea has come. She washed up on the Paris shore.”
MOLLY: I guess it’s no surprise that hats are a big deal at the Mad Hatter party. LeeAnne is so proud of her crazy hat from last year. It was less like a hat and more like a cape.
MARY: She said “I won most botanical” like it was the jewel of her résumé.
MOLLY: Is that really a compliment? It sounds like a consolation prize. You didn’t win the big award, but hey, how about most botanical?
MARY: My favorite line of the episode might have been LeeAnne saying, “I can still party — but I party for a purpose.” Then she asked her boyfriend if she was wearing too many pearls, and he, as usual, had no patience for it. I loved all the pearls, but the blush — oh my god. She kept saying, “I want to be classy. I want to look like Coco Chanel.” Coco Chanel said to take one thing off before leaving the house, and I have no doubt it would have been about 75 percent of that blush in this instance.
MOLLY: Mic drop. Should we end this recap now?
MARY: No, too many hats to discuss. I liked the ones that were kind of excessive and too literal, like, that had Eiffel Tower figurines and can-can dancers. I loved the French stuff. I loved the guy with the Vuitton hat, just LV everywhere. LV LV LV!
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You can’t handle the poop
MARY: I love when Brandi puts on her poop hat and goes, “I’m, like, incognito.” Uh, I don’t think that means what you think it means.
MOLLY: Yeah, you’re actually drawing the most attention to yourself, Brandi. It was pretty funny, though, how everybody kept coming up to them and complimenting Brandi on her hat, not realizing how it was decorated. Still baffled by that. Who thinks PUTTING FAKE POOP ON A HAT IS A GOOD IDEA?
MARY: Brandi also joked that a chocolate cake was made of excrement in this episode, so I don’t think there’s a poop joke in the world that’s off-limits to her.
MOLLY: So Brandi and Stephanie get there and everyone is complimenting Brandi, but it’s finally revealed that — ugh, I don’t want to say the word “poop” again — that there is poop on her hat.
MARY: Oh my God, I loved LeeAnne’s dramatic interpretation of the hat: “Bitch-slap-I’m-here! Bitch-slap-I’m-here!” Also, I don’t even know who said this because they didn’t have the camera on them, but I loved when someone said, “The monster of the sea has come. She washed up on the Paris shore.”
MOLLY: I loved, too, when Stephanie goes, “If people have an issue with that then they can go f— themselves.” Then there’s a dramatic pause and she goes, “I probably shouldn’t have said that.”
MARY: Then she said, “If they have a problem with that, that’s a problem they have with themselves.” Like they must have some kind of deep-seated insecurity about poop hats that they need to confront.
A really s—-y prank
MOLLY: So then Cary takes the loose plastic poop from Brandi’s hat and puts it on a chair, which they did not realize would be LeeAnne’s, but of course it was…. I think a producer might have had something to do with that.
MARY: No! Contrived drama on Housewives?!
MOLLY: I actually thought LeeAnne handled the situation pretty well, initially at least. I expected her to freak out, but she didn’t — but then she tattled because, “Crossing the wrong people in society gets you crossed off the list.” Per the preview, she’s still harping on this next week.
MARY: That’s the thing: I think LeeAnne just has nothing else going on. To quote RHONY: Get a hobby.
MOLLY: Okay, THERE’S your drop mic moment.
The Real Housewives of Dallas