March 13, 2019 at 01:15 AM EDT

When you play the game of [Housewives], you win or you die. There is no middle ground.

Season 9 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is in an all-out war, and just like with a little series on HBO, it’s unclear just yet who’s going to win it. But after Tuesday’s episode, a certain Teddi of the House Mellencamp is not seeming long for this world.

Listen, I don’t know what the overlap is on RHOBH fans and Game of Thrones fans, but I don’t care; the comparison is simply too perfect this season. For most of the women in the RHOBH cast, this show is their livelihood. Whether that be financially, socially, or more often than not, egotistically, they have no desire to lose their spot in the court. And generally, keeping your spot in a Housewives cast means staying in the fray—not above it. Everyone is wilding out to stay relevant; everyone is manipulating and exaggerating and picking fights; most especially, everyone is lying.

And we, the Housewives audience, watch a lot of commercials and online ads so that Bravo can pay these particular liars a lot of money to lie in extravagant and entertaining ways.

https://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills/season-9/episode-5/videos/dorit-kemsley-learns-about-teddiDorit Kemsley Learns About Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave's Text MessageBravo
Bravo

So, I’ll admit, watching the women attempt to fold back the curtain on self-producing their power plays while also trying to maintain the illusion of dignity has been both riveting and tedious. It’s riveting because I really cannot tell how it’s going to play out. And it’s tedious because instead of dragons and ice walls and Emmy-winning performances, the Great War of Lucy Lucy Apple Juice circles around a puppy, a series of #textseses, and a frightened yet thirsty man inexplicably named John Blizzard. But the bottom line is that everyone is playing the game (except probably Denise, who should maybe be shipped off to Queer Eye, or Great British Bakeoff, or some sweeter reality show before she gets hurt)…

There’s Lisa Vanderpump as Cersei, of course—occasionally transparent, but good at what she does and always down for a décolletage statement piece—except, instead of an ever-present wine goblet in her hand, it’s a tiny dog with alopecia dressed in a pilgrim blouse. And in direct opposition to her, there’s Teddi, flashing her morality blade around like Ned Stark, then showing up after wartime with a bastard son and being like, Hey, what if we just called an oops-a-daisy on this one? Even if Ned was really just doing his sister a solid there, and even if Teddi didn’t go through with her plan to throw Dorit under the bus willfully and purposefully—if you’re going to loudly proclaim that you never lie, then you better not lie. And if you’re going to come for LVP…

You best come correct.

(Just to finish this extended analogy off, my instincts say that Erika is Varys and Rinna is Little Finger in this situation, but that’s getting a little inside baseball and I’m afraid I may have annoyed most of you with this about five paragraphs ago. So let’s get into the actual housewives and their actual drama about an actual dog…)

The episode opens with Kyle and Mauricio taking their daughter Sophia to college in Washington, DC, and even though it is an unnecessary distraction from the game afoot, it really is sweet to watch how loving and comfortable their family is with each other. It’s especially fun to compare them to Dorit and PK who have staged an elaborate call and response where she comes out on the balcony and just happens upon him drinking wine and “doing work” on the patio. She goes down to see what he’s working on and he has the nerve to say, “Just what you call ‘management.'” Listen, Dorit is a monster in her own right, but please do not condescend to her about your fake ass job managing one musician while you play Candy Crush on your phone.

NEXT…

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Bravo’s guilty-pleasure franchise meets California luxe
type
TV Show
seasons
9
Genre
run date
10/14/10
Network

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