By Jodi Walker
July 30, 2019 at 10:59 PM EDT
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Dearly beloved trash-consumers, we are gathered here today to witness the end of a very odd season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. In many ways, this is the first time I’ve ever believed any of these women actually like each other. In most ways, that’s not really what I’m looking for from my Housewives; Big Little Lies kind of has the dynamic-female-friendships-born-from-lies market covered, plus there’s murder and better costume parties.

And in all ways, none of these friendships everyone is cooing about at the end of this reunion are based on anything except the mutual hatred/obsession of another woman. And for that, we have Killing Eve, which involves better almost-kissing-against-walls scenes, so…

For as long as I have been typing the words “Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy” and then going through and forcibly deleting the final “y,” I have been mostly uninterested in the actual truth behind what happened. If either side had the receipts to prove they’re telling the full truth, we would already know about it. The only definitive fact we have is that Dorit landed a tiny dog in a kill shelter, something that continues to be framed as a very terrible thing to have happened to Dorit, but still, none of the facts matter. All that matters is the aftermath. The other Housewives jumped at the chance to expose Lisa Vanderpump, even though it wasn’t the best opportunity they’ve ever had, and now they all say “I enjoy this group” as many times an episode as possible, except for Kyle, who either misses a friendship that was clearly toxic on both sides, or she should really be getting more acting work.

Why am I still talking about a storyline from the very beginning of this season at the very end of this season? Because they’re still talking about it! Rehashing the disappearance of Lisa Vanderpump takes up the latter half of part 3 once Camille is able to keep her dress zipped for more than five consecutive seconds and have a conversation again. But as for the fresher first half, the reunion picks right back up with Camille storming off stage. And I understand that no matter how wrong you are, and no matter how incorrectly you are remembering, like, every encounter you had during filming, if there are six women who are in agreement on one side, and it’s only you on the other side, it can feel like an attack…

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills
Bravo

It’s not an attack, given that Camille is just making stuff up over and over about Denise and still living to unzip another dress, but I understand how it could feel like that.

So Andy follows Camille out to see how he might coax her back onstage. She comes rushing out of the production office with most of her dress still detached from her body and says, “Andy, Denise did say that she cursed at her kids, she did!” The editors show footage of Denise saying she yells at her kids, but not that she curses at them. Camille says the other women are out there trying to make her look like a bad person, and that Denise did tell her to inform her daughter she was a f—ing liar. The editors show footage of Denise saying that, were she in Camille’s position, she would reassure her daughters no one was snubbing them. And Camille complains to Andy that “they said the best part of my wedding was leaving it”…

And on that one recollection, she is actually correct! The editors show footage of Teddi saying the best part of Camille’s wedding was the departure on some janky aftershow that appears to be filmed with a camcorder on a tripod.

So that’s the narrative that Camille goes with when she comes back on stage: she’s upset they trashed her wedding, even though that’s not at all what she was upset about when she stormed offstage, and even though she explicitly stated that she didn’t want to invite them to her wedding in the first place. Teddi says they enjoyed the wedding while they were there, they were only shady afterward because they heard about all the things she’d been saying behind their backs. Teddi references all the mean things Camille said about her while they were on the camping trip when she thought they were fine, and Camille responds, “My life has been very dense the last two months, I’ve had a lot going on, so I don’t remember specifically everything that happened.”

The woman just can’t help but expose herself time and time again. Camille wants everyone to celebrate her, and have sympathy for her, and support her, and empathize with her…without having to do any of the same things in return, including but not limited to, remembering the trash she’s talked about them.

But y’know, Camille certainly brings a chaotic element to the show that I’m interested in. Some seasons she’s a totally Zenned out former MTV dancer, and some seasons her laundry list of horrific crimes includes defending Brett Kavanaugh as a victim, implying that Denise’s loss of all her belongings is lesser to her own loss because Denise’s home was rented, and just in general, choosing the most likable person on the show to absolutely despise. Andy asks Camille for explanations on all the wild things that flew out of her mouth toward the end of the season, and she offers Dorit a profuse apology for speaking out on PK’s finances.

But when it comes to what explaining why she would think Denise wasn’t being empathetic with her loss in the fires even though she called and texted with her throughout the ordeal, Camille simply stares ahead and says, “I have no answer or you, and I’m sorry.” It is bizarre! The only explanation is that between the fire, the loss of her assistant, and the health of her mother, Camille is just going through it. In the end, she apologizes for being wrong, and if she was cruel, and sits quietly — and fully clothed — until she’s eventually released from the stage by Andy, at which time she immediately starts unzipping her dress again.

As for any final explanations on the Lisa Vanderpump of it all, it’s a bit of a waste of time to hear her five closest enemies and Denise — who still thinks Lucy Lucy Apple Juice is something you can get at Whole Foods — rehash it all. They’re sure that someone from Vanderpump Dogs gave Radar Online that story, they never mention that the story was just an accurate telling of a real thing that Dorit did, and they’ve recently all gotten a Ph.D. in polygraph testing in order to prove that LVP’s polygraph record proves nothing (for the record, it doesn’t, and it was administered in race car chairs).

In the end, they toast to their friendship, and with this group of women, it’s a weirdly amicable way to say goodbye. LVP officially isn’t in this group anymore, so hopefully that means a big shake-up for next season if they hope to keep the franchise afloat. I’m thinking: we pull an alpha personality from another Housewives city, keep a scrolling ticker of all the lawsuits currently at play for each woman, lock Teddi and Erika in a room together for one whole episode just to see what happens, and maybe let one of those blonde women Camille is always entering parties with officially join the show so she can have an ally and maybe keep her dress on next season. What are your suggestions for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

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