The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap: 'Two wrongs don't make a million'
Things! Just! Got! Interesting!
Like a paper bag full of expired QVC dusters, is a sudden burst of invigorating drama at the very end of the season what we really wanted from RHOBH? Of course not. Dusters are perhaps only second to tube tops in terms of impractical clothing and had the issue of PK’s money problems come up earlier, perhaps we could have taken the appropriate time to read him for the Cheetos-stained sweatshirt filth he is…
But still, it was kind of Camille to peel back whatever Arya-style skin mask she’s been wearing for the last five years, and let her season 1 monster flag fly. I can only the guess that the woman is feeling like she has nothing left to lose—they won’t let her back in the cast, she’s already remarried, her whole f—ing house burned down, and apparently her other two houses don’t really “count,” so she might as well go back to kamikaze-ing dinner parties just like she used to in the good ol’ days, before anyone had even heard of Juvéderm.
My eyebrows took permanent residence in my hairline for the final five minutes of Tuesday’s episode, but before we can get to that rare moment of true drama, we should give thanks for another rare moment: Teddi sleeping past 8 a.m. without hitting the gym while on vacation. And that’s because baby girl was druuuuuunk the night before. Now, personally, I think Teddi might have been exaggerating her full memory blackout a little bit to avoid some culpability. But in the end, I thought she offered Erika a decent apology with only your standard amount of “I acted this way because you bring it out in me,” and Erka accepted because “Teddi beats herself up more than anyone else could.”
Plus, Erika doesn’t really care about Teddi, but she does, it seems, care about Kyle. Erika says there are very few people capable of even hurting her feelings (note: I have never related to anything less in my life, a fictional cartoon character in a 15-second commercial before a YouTube video could hurt my feelings), but she considers Kyle a close friend, and she was truly hurt by the things Kyle said to her the night before Kyle offered a much less full-throated apology than Teddi, mostly saying that she didn’t articulate herself well, but Erika still forgives her because, well, I guess she really does value the friendship.
And with that, it’s time to head back to Beverly Hills where we’re pretending like Kitson is still a landmark fashion retailer. Y’all—did this store not close all its doors a few years ago??? I refuse to look it up though because whether Dorit having a Beverly Beach window display there was a big deal or not, she would still act like it was the most high-pressure situation she could possibly be in to have to arrange a couple of mannequin arms and some fake sand. “There was supposed to be a sandbox full of diamond sand” she huffs when she sees the window display the morning of its unveiling as though someone other than her should have ensured the diamond sand was in her window display. She marches inside the window and says she’ll just have to do it herself, then demands applause when she comes back outside, and the editors do her reeeeeal dirty with a before-and-after shot that reveals she just moved a child mannequin from standing to sitting in an inner tube. Her mind!
All of the women come to see the unveiling of the window display that night and appropriately ooh and aah. Teddi seems truly touched that Dorit has now named a swimsuit after her just like the other women, and Camille also seems touched that she had a coverup named after her, but then in her testimonial scoffs, “Her reveal was a garbage bag!”
And couldn’t our girl just be describing herself with that line? I both deplore Camille’s viciousness and stand in awe of it. Except, of course, when it is directed at Denise Richards, for whom I would happily sell all of my hair should she ever need it, and not even expect a watch chain in return. If Camille had any sense, she would know that Denise is possibly the most lovable Housewife ever, but all of the “sense” synapses in Camille’s brain are taken up by gorgeous, gorgeous narcissism.
When most of the women meet up for a dinner earlier in the episode, the main focus is checking on Denise and Camille whose homes were both affected by the fires in Malibu. Rinna and Teddi both bring them clothes—which is very nice no matter what I said about dusters earlier—because all of Camille’s belongings were burned and Denise’s suffered irreparable smoke damage. Denise makes no suggestion that her smoke damage situation is equal to or worse than Camille’s home burning down, but when Denise says how fortunate they are that they have the financial means to rebuild their lives, that is just one step too far for Camille who sneers in her testimonial, “I’m not sure Denise fully understands…she’s very lucky her rented house did not get burned down.” These are not waters in which you want to tread, Camille.
But by the time they go to another dinner after the Kitson unveiling, Camille is done accepting sympathy and tells the other women that they can be honest with her if she’s done anything to offend them after the subject of her People article excusing Lisa Vanderpump for not coming to her wedding comes up. Like, even though Denise is at the other end of the table reminding everyone that Camille just lost her house, Camille encourages them repeatedly to bring up any grievances they have with her. So Rinna says that she let LVP off the hook for not coming to her wedding, which Camille admits was weak. And Teddi says that Camille says one thing to someone’s face and another behind their back, which Camille does not like at all — not because it’s untrue but because she super doesn’t like Teddi.
But no, Camille quite readily admits that she talks behind people’s backs when Dorit says she knows Camille said some unkind things about her, but she doesn’t know what. So Camille says she’ll tell her, which Dorit seems pleased about…until she hears what it is. “It was before my 50th birthday,” Camille says. “I had to get to know you, I didn’t trust you. I didn’t know Dorit, I didn’t. I didn’t know where you were getting all this money from.”
You know—the way you can’t make a new friend until you’ve seen their W-2s and bank statements. Admittedly, Dorit’s finances are something I question constantly, and at this very moment, while her husband publicly owes millions of dollars to multiple entities, she is wearing a diamond hair clip that says, “DRIPPIN.” But that’s the thing about Camille: she approaches these women like a snotty recapper would, not like a friend would. Is that sometimes hilarious? Sure, even a broken clock is right twice a day. But it’s not sustainable.
And Camille is playing this one like she ain’t here for a long time, she’s just here for a chaotic time. When Dorit acts affronted at Camille bringing up her finances, Camille shrugs her shoulders, all the warmness from earlier washed away, and says, “People wanna know what I know.” And when Dorit asks what that means, she raises her eyebrow: “Your husband was telling me how he filed for bankruptcy.” The editors flashback to a year ago at what I believe was Dorit’s birthday dinner where PK was blustering about how he “ended up a billionaire out of nowhere, and now I got taken down.” But Edward was sitting right by Camille at that dinner, and now he’s just down the table at this one, not saying s–t.
Whatever dirt Camille has on PK, it’s not from him telling her personally about getting “taken down.” But she tells Dorit that this conversation caused her to wonder where Dorit is getting all the cars and fancy clothes: “Your clothes are beautiful, I’ve always said that.”
Now, Dorit is really mad, and we’re getting flashbacks of Rinna cracking a wine glass over a table while current-day Rinna is saying you never go for the husbands. “Let me clear this up for you,” Dorit says, explaining that PK built a $2 billion business from the ground up, but had to file for bankruptcy in 2008. “But what does that have to do with today?” Dorit asks, annoyed at having to account for things that are both public record and most definitely already known by everyone sitting at that table.
And now it finally comes out: “Your husband owes a lot of money to someone very close to me.”
I repeat: Things! Just! Got! Interesting! Denise starts saying from Dorit’s other side that Camille is crossing a line, while Dorit blusters, “PK doesn’t owe any of your friends any money sweetheart … you can say whatever you want.” And Camille starts getting that eye twitch, telling Dorit that she doesn’t want her to say all the things she could say.
And I was actually pretty impressed with how steadily Dorit held her ground, even as she was stone cold lying (unless, of course, she’s less informed about her husband’s debt than People). She tells Camille not to threaten her, and Camille has the gall to say she’s protecting her, adding in her testimonial that she doesn’t know what PK might be keeping from Dorit, even though this all started because Camille thought that Dorit was faking how much money she has.
Quickly tiring of protecting Dorit, Camille says, “I know your husband owes over a million dollars to a company, I know there are lawyers involved,” and this is when Denise finally gets mad, telling Camille she needs to stop. The other women soooort of agree, but are also notably less aggressive about stopping Camille, I have to imagine, because they want the dirt. Camille sniffs again that she didn’t want to talk about the details because she wanted to protect Dorit, and Denise rightly says, “Protecting her is not saying anything at all!”
“But if I don’t say anything, I’m f—ing two-faced!” Camille whines back, not understanding that if she never said anything, she would be neither two-faced nor vicious. But the woman can’t help herself. Or actually—she can, which is totally worse. Camille insists that she only brought PK’s debts up because everyone was attacking her (per her invitation) about being two-faced. But Denise tells her two wrongs don’t make a right: “There are certain things that don’t need to be talked about at a big f—ing table at goddamn dinner!” And even though she’s literally describing the thesis statement of the show that she’s currently being paid to participate in, this line somehow only makes me love Denise even more.
If Camille comes for her next week, we ride at dawn.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills