It’s episode 2 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘ new season, and that can only mean one thing: it’s time to rank taglines with absolutely no rhyme or reason (although rhyming and reason are certainly categories which may be taken into consideration).
With this particular bunch of taglines, it seems like access to the Housewives’ security cameras and a direct line to the FBI agents who monitor their phones might be helpful because there is a lot of next-level passivity being thrown around that we won’t technically understand until season 9 catches up with the live drama that we’re supposed to already know has happened. It’s a real labyrinth for the mind—all accompanied by women twirling around in sparkly gowns against jewel-tone backgrounds!
But have no fear; in between the psychological warfare, all your favorite tagline tropes are still there, such as: not knowing how puns works, inserting contractions where they don’t belong, and bragging about being rich with exactly zero self-awareness. Let’s get to rankin’:
TEDDI: “I’m not afraid of hard work, but I’ll never do your dirty work.” Oh, Teddi, dear—I try not to be too hard on you because you are, in the end, harmless. But the cheapest editor on Fiverr could tell you that using the same word twice in one tiny sentence is the quickest way to tank a Housewives tagine. Of course, if Teddi hit the intonation on “hard work” and “dirty work” just right, she might just convey the point she’s trying to make about a storyline we haven’t even watched yet. I will give you one guess if Bravo’s most normcore Housewife is able to nail that delivery…
ERIKA: “Most people talk about their fantasies—I’m living mine.” Erika gets deducted major points for comparison’s sake alone. Need I remind you of “I’m an enigma, wrapped in a riddle and cash,” which was a play on a Winston Churchill quote??? Making me feel bad for not having the money to fund my fantasy of becoming a mesh bodysuit-wearing glamazon who sings about vaginas isn’t great, but… being boring is a much, much worse tagline sin.
KYLE: “In Beverly Hills, the truth always has a way of rising to the top.” Again with the bore—now featuring Kyle’s signature sanctimonious spin! I would give Kyle a few extra sassy points if “to the top” was a reference to her ascension center diamond-holder status though…
DORIT: “In business and in life, I wear many hats—and hairstyles.” Listen, I know it’s a shock to see Dorit listed so high, but you have to admit: Dorit calling out two of the worst things about herself in her opening tagline is a bold move. That would be like if my tagline for The Real Housewives of This Brooklyn Apartment was like: “In personal and professional life, I’m aaaalways late—and there’s never a good reason why, so don’t ask!” (I assume it’s obvious that should be read with the voice of a drunk, pseudo-British kitten).
LISA RINNA: “In the game of life—it’s Rinna take all!” If the worst thing a tagline can be is boring, the best thing it can be is succinct. And yes that is a mostly well-deployed pun you’re hearing there!
DENISE: “My problem with the tabloids? My real life is so much juicier.” Am I, admittedly, a lover of self-appointed question-and-answer sessions? Yes. But I also love the suggestion that Denise’s life is more bananas than the bananas version we’ve been told. (My fear, however, is that this tagline might prove to be a bit of an overstatement.)
LISA VANDERPUMP: “You can stab me in the back—but whilst you’re there, kiss my ass.” That noise you just heard is LVP snaaaapping. The O.G. B.H. queen always goes all in on taglines, and from top to bottom, back to front, ass to sass (arse to sarse?)—this one is perfect. It’s petty, it’s shady, it somehow fits, like, 13 British pronunciations into 14 words, and most of all, it reminds us that LVP doesn’t need loyal subjects to reign supreme when she’s got a loyal network instead.
Of course, my favorite Housewife this season is the newest, prettiest girl in town, but for some reason, her tagline has been left out of the lineup. So I’ve taken the liberty of giving her one myself…
LUCY LUCY APPLE JUICE: “Most people want to take a swipe at PK—but this bitch actually did it.”