By Jodi Walker
June 19, 2019 at 01:48 AM EDT
Bravo
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Stars: they’re just like us! And really, it’s a bit comforting to know that no matter how much money you have, no matter how motionless your face is, or expensive your Alexander McQueen is, or how fancy your French vacation chateau is—if ya start day-drinking too early, the whole night is gonna be a wash.

And listen, you should, by all means, get hammered at a wine tasting while you’re in Provence on Bravo’s dime. I have nothing but respect for that move out of the women of RHOBH. But also… if you’re going to try 11 glasses of unmarked rosé, it really has to be your only activity for the day. Because if you follow it up with six lemon-tinis at dinner, someone is going to end up weeping about how hard it is to be so perfect all the time, and someone who’s a little soberer is going to have to be like, Babe, no one is interested in your perfection except you, now please stop trying to lick my face, and if you can, hit those eyes with a Neutrogena wipe before you go to bed, you’ll thank me in the morning.

Alas, Kyle and Teddi did not use the spittoon bucket at the wine tasting, they did take full advantage of the on-call mixologist at their chateau, and I do not want to be them tomorrow morning.

In the end, the episode is a bit of a wash as well, since its main conflict comes down to being over-served and it looks like Teddi at least will be issuing an apology for her brown-out behavior next week. And yet, as Lisa Rinna says—and I’m paraphrasing here—alcohol is the lube of truth. They may have been so drunk they didn’t realize they weren’t making any sense and unnecessarily harping on Erika, but there’s something else to this bond between Kyle and Teddi. They’re both pretty sanctimonious people and I think separately, Kyle would just listen to Erika if she didn’t have Teddi backing her up. And similarly, Teddi would back down if she didn’t have this weird all-consuming loyalty to Kyle…

Together, they would sooner believe that Erika is repeatedly lying to them in response to a direct question about if Lisa Rinna’s than they could possibly believe that they’re wrong about something. Well…that and the vodka.

So, after spending the night before endlessly pestering her to say something she didn’t want or need to say about being offended by Lisa Rinna’s Halloween impression of her, Erika shows up to the breakfast table not looking too thrilled to be there. She explains that she has a migraine, which I believe, but also, Erika is an especially miserable miserable person. The lady doesn’t really smile much as it is, so when she’s not feeling well, everyone else around her feels it.

She probably would have been much more at home watching the very sad footage of Camille walking through her burned down house, but instead, she has to go on a sunny trip to a vineyard and spit a bunch of wine in a bucket out of politeness while her friends get smashed, and I mean obliterated. Which is pretty fun for us to see! The New York women are pretty much in a constant cycle of dancing on tables and wearing sunglasses in bed, and the Atlanta women almost always have some sort of Moscato over ice in a wine glass roughly the size of a kitchen sink…

But the Beverly Hills women typically keep it pretty zipped up (except Kyle, never not in a vertical split). So watching them all do impressions of each other was quite fun, particularly because all of the impressions were backed up by a through-the-years montage from the editors. Lisa Rinna is always talking about Harry Hamlin! Kyle is, as of just yesterday, always running from a bee! Teddi walks like she constantly just dismounted a horse! And Erika simply provided her own montage when Kyle did an impression of her always solemnly saying “I’m good, we’re good” by replying, “It’s good, we’re having a good time” in response to the impersonation.

Which was…uncomfortable! So I can see where Kyle and Teddi would get the impression that Erika doesn’t really enjoy being with them. But to say so at the dinner table is unkind, especially because once Erika was feeling better back at the house, she was in a perfectly generous mood, and opened up to the group about the fact that this is the first time she’s had a group of women she supports because, “I never found a group of girls that I didn’t feel like I was competitive with.” Which, I mean, in general, is gonna be a yikes from me, dawg. But if someone has just told you that they feel a rare sense of security around you, Teddi, must you immediately pivot to: “But last night, I have to say this, I think you were irritated.”

Well, yes she was irritated! You wouldn’t stop trying to convince her that she needed to be offended by Rinna calling Kim “c—y” in her Erika Jayne costume when she stated repeatedly, often, and without variance, that she was not. But Teddi and Kyle are convinced that Erika isn’t telling the truth, even though they have no explanation as to why she wouldn’t be. When the table finally clears out from sheer awkwardness, and Erika storms off saying that she feels bullied by Teddi and Kyle who seem to be in cahoots against her, Teddi starts slurring to Rinna about how she doesn’t want to be friends with someone who is being dishonest and who makes her feel uncomfortable at breakfast.

So Rinna suggests that Teddi just tell Erika the next time her sullenness is making her feel uncomfortable. And then Teddi bursts into tears and says something that made me laugh so loudly, I’m afraid there’s going to be an admonishing notification on my neighborhood’s NextDoor tomorrow morning:

“I CANT BE EXPECTED TO BE THE MORAL COMPASS FOR EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME!”

Teddi. Absolutely no one wants you to be their moral compass any of the time, let alone expects you to be. It has to be the most embarrassing thing she’s ever said and, to her credit Rinna is quick to say, “Teddi, you hold yourself to being the moral compass … take yourself off the hook.”

Teddi seems to be under the impression that Erika has been purposefully doing what she needs to do to make them comfortable and creating false relationships with them. She’s basically talking jibberish, but Rinna puts on her readers and comes up with some psyche 101 theory that Teddi and Erika are just so much alike that Teddi sees her own issues inside Erika and she doesn’t like them so she’s lashing out. Personally, I think Teddi is a people pleaser, and Erika is not easily pleased, and they’ll always be oil and water, but maybe if they could just have two to six fewer martinis, it could all be fine.

The night ends with Kyle and Teddi rolling around in the beds of all their friends who are trying to go to sleep, and Teddi eventually doing one single redeeming thing: trying to take a bowl of chips to bed. And you know how I know this friendship is destructive? Because Kyle stops her.

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