By Jodi Walker
May 29, 2019 at 02:11 AM EDT
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I need a Korean face mask, a hot bath, and an Applebee’s pour of sauvignon blanc after that episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. From a mammogram scare to Lisa Rinna getting a little too into character as Erika Jayne to having to watch PK eat Lay’s Classic Potato Chips and then wipe his grubby fingers on his sweatshirt like a sentient Simpson’s character — this was a tense hour of television.

And it all starts in Hawaii! I cannot believe I am still being forced to care about Camille’s wedding. Or about Lisa Vanderpump tabloid stories when Lisa Vanderpump isn’t even on the show anymore. As you’ll recall, she went out not with a bang, but with a squeak of “John’s” racecar office chair as he conducted a lie detector test.

Camille still doesn’t know about this, however, because Kyle barely resisted whispering it to her as she walked down the aisle of her wedding. But she can resist no longer when everyone sits down to brunch before flying back to L.A., which means we’re treated once more to hearing the epic tale of Alexia’s “friend” whose “house was broken into” while it was “under construction,” so the “friend’s” “family” made all the “construction workers” take a “lie detector test,” and guess who was there??? Camille guesses LVP on the first try and then goes into a very sad little speech about how Lisa should have been at her wedding while using the phrase “it’s a little ow-ie” more than once.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS -- Season:9 -- Pictured: (l-r) Denise Richards, Erika Girardi, Dorit Kemsley, Kyle Richards, Lisa Rinna, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, Lisa Vanderpump -- (Photo by: Tommy Garcia/Bravo)
Tommy Garcia/Bravo

Perhaps Camille’s lack of real words should have made the other women realize that she was up to something, but it didn’t. They are shocked—shocked, I say—to learn that in between brunch and them heading to the airport in Hawaii, a People story came out with Camille saying how grateful she is to Lisa Vanderpump for being such a good friend and supporting her. Will I seek out this article? Absolutely not. I will just assume it contains images of Lisa Rinna drinking out of a mug smaller than a fishbowl from the way it sets of such a righteous fury in her. To the camera, Rinna says she doesn’t trust people who talk out of both sides of her mouth; to the car at large she says, “Camille needs to own her s–t, and if she’s been talking behind anyone’s back here, she needs to step up and tell everybody because I know for a fact she has.”

Kyle, who has been staring ahead with dead eyes for this entire conversation, suddenly perks up. Was that drama she heard? Indeed, it was: Rinna tells Dorit that she doesn’t think it’s right for Camille to invite her to her wedding when she had just been talking trash about Dorit two months before. Rinna later tells Kyle when they’re on their way to get mammograms that she knows she probably shouldn’t have told Dorit that, but she’d just had it with Camille. Similarly, down in Malibu, Denise returns from shooting a movie with her ex-boyfriend and has to tell Aaron that she may have said a little something she wasn’t supposed to because Lisa Rinna sent them a wedding gift with a note that toasted to their “many happy endings.”

Denise assures Aaron that she didn’t go into details—which is hilarious—and this is where we learn that the masseuse who gave Aaron his sought-after (by Denise) happy ending was “like, 200-years-old.” Aaron doesn’t really care because these two are made for each other, but if I think about Aaron and Denise laying in a bed talking about hand jobs for much longer, I may have to make that aforementioned hot bath a cold one. They are just so damn beautiful.

And let me tell you what, Kim Richards better tread lightly if she wants to come at my Denise Richards sideways, even if Denise came at her sideways first.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. See, Kyle is throwing her daughter Farrah a Halloween-themed birthday party which she says cost “about 15 Birkin bags,” which would be a minimum of, oh say, $175,000. And I don’t think she’s exaggerating. This party is insane. She put a Ferris wheel in her backyard. Which, knowing how stressed Kyle gets, is why I couldn’t believe that she opted to also get a mammogram when she drove Rinna to hers. I fully appreciate them using a scene of this godforsaken show to bring awareness to a very important practice in women’s health, but just like—maybe do it tomorrow. Both Rinna and Kyle are already prone to being stressed by waiting for the results of a mammogram because both of their mothers had breast cancer.

Kyle was also 30 when she found out her mother had breast cancer, so she’s especially nervous waiting for her results knowing that Farrah 30th birthday party is that night, so when the doctor tells her they’ll need to take a few more scans, things get pretty emotional. Both for Kyle and for me at home, who did not swallow the lump in my throat until the doctor came back with all good news. Things got really real for a moment there on the Real Housewives, and that is not usually how we do things around here.

How we do things around here is a bunch of rich, fully grown women going buck wild on a theme. Farrah’s actual birthday is Halloween, so everyone goes all out dressing up, most notably: Teddi as Harley Quinn about two years after it was cool to do so, in true Teddi fashion; Kyle in a $700 Playboy bunny outfit that rips so badly Mauricio has to order another one and have it Uber’d to the party, and to be fair, Kyle does look amazing in it (like 1,400 bucks, some might say); and of course, Lisa Rinna as Erika Jayne’s Coachella look from last year.

Rinna absolutely nails it, I only wish she hadn’t worn those white walker blue contacts, because I cannot imagine her hazel eyes would have ruined the look and she truly looked like she was about to try to kill Jon Snow. But even more than the look, Rinna is dead set on acting like Erika Jayne. When Kim arrives dressed as a gangster of sorts — also carrying a backpack and seeming to sort of surprise Kyle with her presence — Rinna acts super awkwardly toward her while staying in character as Erika, which mostly seems to be her speaking in a deep voice and being aloof. As a helpful reminder to why that might be, we’re treated to a montage of Kim and Rinna’s greatest hits, which includes Rinna almost choking Kim and breaking a wine glass over a table, Kim returning the blue bunny to Rinna at the reunion, and of course, Carnie Wilson.

But everything is okay until the whole group goes over to the photo station and Rinna stands off to the side, flipping everyone off as Erika Janye. Then she announces that she has something to say: “Kim, you giving Lisa Rinna that bunny was really c—y.”

And a hush fell over the Ferris wheel! And then she says it again to make sure that everyone feels good and awkward just in case they somehow missed it the first time. Watching everyone grit their teeth and smile so they can still get the photo is pretty hilarious, and then everyone scatters to talk about what just happened. And y’know, I think Erika has a much better reason to be mad than Kim. I mean, it was s—-y of Kim to give that bunny back to Rinna, but it’s worse to say you’re impersonating your friend and then just be really mean and awkward.

But Kim makes the mistake of complaining about Rinna via mocking her “Erika Jayne ponytails” in front of Denise Richards, who quickly reveals herself to be a ride-or-die kinda chick. Denise basically says that Kim can be mad about the comment, but she can’t make fun of Rinna’s costume, which was amazing. But she also kind of says that Kim can’t be mad about the comment because “it’s a f—ing stuffed animal,” and you have to imagine that with all Denise has witnessed regarding Lucy Lucy Apple Juice, entering into drama over an inanimate animal is one step too far.

Luckily, things don’t escalate. Before Kim puts on her little backpack to leave, she pulls Rinna aside and they get to the point where Rinna says that her comment was inappropriate and Kim doesn’t really apologize for the bunny incident, but tacks onto Rinna’s apology with a “me too,” and asks if they can just forgive each other. They hug and say, “Wow, miracles happen!”

It won’t last a week.

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