By Jodi Walker
May 15, 2019 at 01:42 AM EDT
  • TV Show

To drag us through that boring episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills…to make us look at PK’s morning stubble and realize that somehow, things can always get worse…to hold my eyes open Bird-Box-style and force me to pretend like Lisa Vanderpump’s kitchen renovation is a thing One! More! Damn! Time!

Only to reveal in the last two minutes that we have a lie detector test coming??? I tell ya what: the devil works hard, but the RHOBH producers work harder. Watching the gang go camping last week was a fun little break from the regularly scheduled season 9 drama because it’s nice to see them actually enjoy one another, and to get outside of their comfort zone and eat carbs every once in a while…

But tonight’s episode was the opposite of that. It contained so many things I hate: Denise Richards being sad, Mikey getting paid to chant “big dick energy, big dick energy,” as art direction, no longer having the opportunity to make Kyle By Alene Too puns because Kyle is apparently closing all the Kyle By Alene Toos Fast Toos Furious, women jogging laps in a backyard as if that is a normal thing to do…and the list goes on and on. And to know by the end of this episode that it was all just a needless waylay until we get to watch John Sessa take Lisa Vanderpump into what appeared to be a trailer behind a strip mall with a “Hang in there!” cat poster somewhere nearby so that she can take a polygraph test, but we don’t get to see it until next week? Wow, extremely rude to me.

I guess the thematic tone of this episode was supposed to be the various women with younger children feeling guilty about being working mothers, which is… a real thing, yes, but perhaps not the kind of real we’re looking for from our Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Especially because Teddi and Kyle are listing their boutiques and their accountability businesses as the things they feel guilty about keeping them away from their children, but then we’re just supposed to act like we’re not watching them do their actual jobs by getting pedicures and going to concerts on TV for our (wavering) amusement.

Mind you, we don’t hear a peep of this from Lisa Rinna because Rinna knows if she wants to keep her daughters flush with tiny sunglasses and urine transfusions, or whatever it is they’re always doing with IV bags, then someone’s gotta sell some diapers and dusters, and that someone is gonna be their mom. She’s made her peace with it, and those kids better be thankful!

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (screen grab)Season 9, Episode 14CR: Bravo

Okay, maybe I’m on one, and everyone else loved this episode and found Kyle’s need to shut down Kyle By Alene Too: Tokyo Drift entirely relatable. But, once again, I blame any sour attitude I have on immediately being thrust into seeing PK in a full heather gray sweat suit with Homer Simpson stubble, talking about how he’s sooooo busy with soooo many different things.

So knowing that’s the frame of reference we’re dealing with here, let’s get to it:

Clearly, I am biased because I felt truly moved watching Denise, my one true reality TV love, working through the emotions of having to leave her daughters behind with Aaron to go film a “really sexy and provocative” TV series in Miami. (I encourage you all to go to Denise’s IMDb page to try to figure out just which title this could be—my money’s on The Adventures of Dally & Spanky.) On their way to the airport, Denise and Aaron drop by a mansion where her teenage daughter Sami is getting her hair and makeup done with friends for a school dance. It’s wild, but Sami seems as chill and fashion-wary as her mom, so it’s also cute. Denise has a sweet goodbye with Sami, and later, as a farewell to Aaron, tells him that while she’s away he can “jerk off while we have phone sex.” And they say romance is dead!

Mostly, tonight’s episode revolves around Erika’s concert in L.A. as part of her Pretty Mess tour. And listen—I still enjoy seeing Erika in 100 pounds of hair, writhing around a stage in any number of what must surely be vagina-numbing catsuits. But I don’t like this recent angle on her later-in-life artistic endeavors that she is the only one who knows how to live life to its fullest, and anyone who doesn’t have a second personality is a real stick in the mud. She tells a reporter before her L.A. show when he asks what it’s like performing a show in her hometown: “L.A. does not like to let loose, let’s be honest. Everyone watching here … they’re so judgy. But that’s okay, I’m here to have a good time.” Well damn girl, if they weren’t judgy before, they sure will be now!

Erika mostly seems to be a little nervous because Tom is coming to watch her perform. Given that he and his money are the reason she’s able to pat the puss in the Globe Theatre, one could understand why. But he shows up in a full suit as though he’s auditing the event, and just keeps saying, “Isn’t this fun?” like your grandpa sitting in a chair, tapping his foot while the cousins dance at a family wedding. Except it’s his wife, and she’s singing the words “my kitty’s like a python,” while two sweaty men hold her up in the air, spread-eagle. And even though there’s an issue with the sound at one point, Erika perseveres singing “Oh baby, baby, I wanna get crazy,” and Tom later tells her he’s proud of her, which truly seems to thrill her.

All of the other women and some of their husbands came too, of course, and afterwards, they join her backstage where PK makes a point to go over to where the backup dancers are in their boxer briefs, toweling off their sweaty bodies and tell them they did a great job. Kyle has one margarita and decides to straddle Mauricio on a full couch of people. And Edwin wants to try out to be one of Erika’s backup dancers which I would actually very much like to see.

Finally, LVP shows up on screen not to talk about her kitchen, but to invite Camille over for tea while she’s doing some wedding shopping in Beverly Hills. Camille shows up in an electric blue fur jacket, underneath which lies a pink and black lace blouse, and—I cannot reiterate this enough—dress capris. Capris! I really prefer Camille in smaller quantities than we’ve been getting her recently, but as we gear up toward her wedding next week that we’ve been talking about for what I would approximate is the last three years, I guess she needs to be everpresent in our minds. I certainly will not be forgetting those capri pants under a fur jacket anytime soon…

But most importantly, Camille is the only other (semi) cast member that Lisa Vanderpump will talk to. Camille tells LVP that she’d really like for her to be at her wedding, but she also doesn’t want to be uncomfortable with the other women because she’s been there—cue the semi-annual flashback of “You’re such a f—ing liar, Camille!”

Lisa, bless her, doesn’t even pretend to have considered coming to Camille’s wedding, saying that she just can’t be around any of those women. Camille tries to tell Lisa that she knows Kyle misses her and they have a special friendship, but LVP is leaving no wiggle room here. “We don’t,” she says firmly. “I think Kyle Richards just enjoyed throwing me under the bus a little too much, and unless she changed her position and apologized, I have no intentions of seeing her again.” Alrighty then, I guess that’s that…

Or is it? A “24 HOURS LATER” title card flashes across the screen, always an indicator of pettiness to come. Lisa Vanderpump is under fluorescent lighting; John Sessa is salivating; and a man who has surely never once heard of Sexy Unique Restaurant, let alone Lucy Lucy Apple Juice, is hooking Lisa up to a lie detector test, and asking, “Have you ever given a story to RadarOnline?” See you back here next week for the answer.

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