The moment when Lisa Vanderpump asks for clarification on the fact that Dorit, who came to lunch dressed in drag as Johnny-Depp-as-Willy Wonka, seems to be consistently saying that she wants to move her friendship forward with a person she believes to be actively lying to her, and Dorit, her hair laying atop her head like two perfectly draped lemon flavored Fruit-by-the-Foots yells back, “YES!” as though someone finally understood what she’s trying to say, is just…chef’s kiss.
It is such a perfect encapsulation of Dorit’s vapidity that she can’t understand what other people can’t understand about her being perfectly fine remaining friends with someone who would create an entirely false narrative about her via a series of media stories in order to make herself look like a hero—and then lie about doing it.
Whether Lisa did those things or not doesn’t matter anymore; the fact that Dorit believes she did them but still wants nothing more than to be friends with Lisa is everything you need to know about why Dorit can never be the hero she thinks she is. And if there is one positive to come out of this tedious dog storyline, it’s that it’s spun Dorit into a bigger chump than ever before, placing her right back where we can enjoy her most: as an insufferable villain. Because for a brief moment there, somewhere between first hearing her dumb tagline and first seeing her dumb #channel earrings, Dorit was on top: her friends were protecting her, she was finally being seen as the victim she’s always wanted to be, and she thought she might just get the apology from Lisa Vanderpump and a coveted spot at the right hand of Andrew J. Cohen at the reunion so that she might feed off of his new dad glow and live another hundred years…
But like a fragile woman toddling up the hill to Teddi Jo Mellencamp’s house in 6-inch heels, distracted by an RV that appears to be advertising…heteronormative sportiness, I guess? You just knew this bobble-headed Jill was gonna go tumblin’ back down eventually.
And boy, did Jack come tumbling after. The single and only redeeming thing about PK, an unclaimed fart that cleared out an entire train car and you swear lingers on your clothes even after you get to work, is his devotion to his wife. And then he’s gonna throw her under the bus like that? I never thought I’d say this, but Kyle Richards is right: something is up. Let’s get to it…
Since Lisa Vanderpump won’t hang out with anybody, but all anybody can do is talk about Lisa Vanderpump and why she won’t hang out with them, there’s a lot of filler in this episode, and presumably much more to come in the rest of the season. To recap:
- Rinna and Erika host their own comedy show during a group exercise class.
- We’re treated to an incredible video of Rinna maybe inventing Prancercise in 2008???
- Hey, have you heard Lisa Vanderpump is redoing her kitchen? That’s it—that’s the storyline!
- Teddi and Kyle go hiking in sparkle pants!
- Dorit pretends like she needs a whole repurposed orthodontist’s office for Beverly Beach, so she hires a mustachioed interior designer to decorate it, but what he doesn’t know is that much like the abundance of palm leaves, his payment will be fake :)
- Denise and Aaron are still banging at the crack of dawn every morning, and…that’s it—that’s the storyline!
As is RHOBH tradition, this episode revolves around three central meals. No, not breakfast, lunch, and dinner; as we know from Denise Richards, breakfast is sex, lunch is straight Casamigos, and dinner is tank top shopping at OldNavy.com. No, I am of course referring to gossip meal, reconciliation meal, and blow-up meal. First up is the least of these, wherein Camille and Denise meet for a casual meal in Malibu. Camille, as always, is wearing a blazer; Denise looks like she maybe actually arrived there on a motorcycle. Presumably, they’re old friends because Denise says she’s known Camille since she was married to Kelsey, but they don’t have much of a repartee. Which is to say, Camille talks shit about every single person that they’re paid to hang out with, and Denise blinks nervously at her. Per Camille, Teddi is a know-it-all millennial, “something” is up with Dorit, LVP is too full of ego and pride, Rinna is over-the-top, and we know she hates Kyle because she’s making her wear cap sleeves in her wedding while actively knowing that Kyle is over the age of 8.
Denise is a very nice person who not only doesn’t want to talk badly about her co-workers, but also doesn’t relish hearing someone else talk badly about her co-workers—even Dorit! She doesn’t want to tell anyone about all the trash Camille is talking because she doesn’t want to get stuck in an RV full of squawking chickens next week, so she simply decides never to tell Camille anything she could use against her. Good call. However, Camille will find a way.
The most important meal, however, is Reconciliation Meal. PK and Kenny have arranged for a lunch for LVP and Dorit to talk out their issues and the “this is silly women’s business” of it all is nearly unbearable. “Ultimately, I’d like for you two ladies to try and find a way to compromise so we can go back to enjoying our friendship,” PK tells Dorit on their car ride over to SUR. A few things: PK, let’s not act like you didn’t file for a SAG card the moment you completed your little rise-and-shine scene with Dorit, discovering that the time you shipped an adorable little dog down the Sunset Highway to a kill shelter Moses-style, k? Second, there is no “compromising” on whether someone is lying or not. If you and Dorit believe that Lisa Vanderpump sold the story, and Lisa and Ken are swearing that they didn’t…that’s not a difference of opinion, that’s a difference in reality.
I’m with Lisa on this one, at least conceptually: if Lisa is saying she’s not lying, and Dorit is saying she’s doesn’t believe her, that’s friendship ending. And it should work in reverse! If Lisa is saying that she didn’t sell the story, and Dorit believes she’s lying, she shouldn’t want to be friends with her. Which brings me to my third point: Lisa never really wanted to be friends with Dorit at all. She seems like some kind of annoyance that Lisa is happy to be rid of it, and for the number of times people tell Dorit they’re more than willing not to be friends with her this episode, one could almost start to feel sorry for her…
Almost. But to Dorit’s credit, even if it’s not solid ground she’s bringing to the SUR table today, at least she stands on it. She asks Lisa why she called TMZ but not her when the story came out. And when Lisa draws the line in the sand, saying “if you believe I gave the story to Radar Online, we don’t have a friendship,” she resists her desperation for Lisa’s approval, and doesn’t fold…
PK, on the other hand, is a napkin made of the sweatiest silk. Once Ken musters all the energy from the 16 hours of sleep he got last night to bellow that “NO WE CAN’T” agree to disagree on this matter, PK starts backpedaling. Ken says he can see PK is “trying hard, but your wife isn’t trying hard.” From this moment on, Dorit is pretty much referred to as “your wife” or “my wife” and it is more dehumanizing than any amount of mesh she could wear.
Lisa finally asks PK if he believes it, and when he says he thinks someone in her camp leaked the story, she swears on her children’s lives that she didn’t leak it and she doesn’t know who did. And PK just…accepts it while his wife blinks at him in morse code. And Ken and Lisa love it. What leg does Dorit have to stand on if even her husband says he believes them? None! This is what we call in the business and Aviva Drescher Level-5: the leg has been lost.
When Dorit stands by her belief that Lisa’s team had something to do with the story, Ken and Lisa pepper PK with “I love yous” and leave the table, saying they’re done with Dorit. And I just cannot reiterate how much PK has thrown Dorit under the bus. He is Dennis Hopper, and she is the entire cast of Speed. It is so low, even for him. Dorit hisses at him after they leave the table, “I am not going to beg for someone’s friendship when they’ve told me it’s under this condition.”
But PK is! Because as is stated at the third and final Blow-Up Meal, something is up with the relationship between PK and Lisa and Ken. Apparently following PK’s rude “joke” to Kyle last week about not even being able to hold onto her friend, neither he nor Dorit called to apologize. Kyle is just itching to talk about it, so she brings it up at the most tactful place: the group table at the lovely pre-RV dinner Teddi is hosting for all the women. Kyle says if her husband did that, she would have called to apologize, and Dorit responds that PK didn’t mean anything by it and PK already apologized to her for it, which he absolutely did not.
Can you believe Dorit is sticking up for this sack of nail clippings after what he just did to her? She makes the mistake of telling the women that now PK is fine with Ken and Lisa, but she’s been excommunicated and everyone is like…uh, how does that work? They rightly surmise that PK has prioritized his relationship with these two friends over the feelings and treatment of his wife. That’s when Kyle starts to throw out the idea that there’s something weird there, and Camille says for as old of friends as they claim to be, she’d never even heard of PK and Dorit until two years ago…
If the result of LucyLucyAppleGate is getting to the bottom of just what secrets those three have on each other, it might have been worth it. But I think Erika sums it all up best when she points out that last year, Kyle and Dorit were arguing over who was better friends with Lisa Vanderpump, and now, even with her wanting nothing to do with either of them, they’re still fighting over who’s better friends with Lisa Vanderpump. Oh how the tables have absolutely stayed in the same position with no movement whatsoever.