It's a middle-school-style Friendship Battle Royale
Credit: BRAVO

Erika said it best, as she so often does: “I’m telling you, this all boils down to three bitches who are competitive about friendship.” Finally, we get a small break from the tyrannical reign of Dorit’s ego, only to be treated to a three-way battle for who is whose bestest friend, and who’s just a best friend. And I hate to say it but…it’s one of the more relatable story lines in recent RHOBH history.

Instead of fighting about glassware and missing panties, Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle, and Dorit are in a battle for attention and affection, and that’s something I can at least be empathetic to. Of course, I have to dig back into the repressed part of my brain where I hide middle school friendships, picking seasonal-colored rubber bands for my braces, and knowing the exact amount of change to bring for Andy Capp’s Hot Fries from the vending machines in order to remember what it felt like to be jealous that my best friend started sitting by the new girl whose mom let her wear blush. Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle (and sort of Dorit), on the other hand, have a friendship anxiety volcano at a Beverly Hills hot spot where they’ve all taken chauffeured cars and had their high-ponies professionally pulled, and the topic on the table is a dropped puppy lawsuit.

But still. Friendship can be complicated — especially if your friendship is also technically the job that’s keeping you in professionally pulled ponytails and 12,000 square feet worth of remodeled floors. Before we get to the meat of the drama with Kyle and LVP, we do get some check-in with the other women. While wearing a Balenciaga ball cap and Givenchy sweatpants, Dorit gives PK a 3-D porcelain figurine of herself that she says is from the kids for his birthday, but there are no kids in sight (or any sign that the children have been seen in days), which has to be the most Dorit thing Dorit has ever done. That is, until 30 minutes later when Erika is complaining of terrible menstrual cramps and Dorit says, “Psychosomatically, I’m actually starting to feel your pain,” which is certainly the most Dorit thing Dorit has ever done. (And spoiler alert, if you thought that PantyGate was a nightmare, just wait until the PeriodGate suggested by next week’s preview!)

Kyle meets Teddi to buy $500 worth of workout clothes and to inform us that the beach house trip is officially on and everyone is coming, including Dorit. Teddi seems to have no interest in keeping the feud with Dorit alive even though she repeatedly called Teddi a psycho last week, and even Dorit seems to realize that stemware is not something she can hang her renewed-contract-hat on. What can she hang her stupid Balenciaga ball cap on? A friendship love triangle with two of the franchise’s heaviest hitters, of course.

Lisa Vanderpump arrives to meet Kyle and Dorit for dinner; Kyle and Dorit arrive 30 minutes later, which already has LVP annoyed. But she’s excited to celebrate with them anyway because she’s just received the news that the lawsuit against Ken by the sketchy dog adoption agency has been dropped. The ladies are glad for her and talk about nobody needing that kind of negativity in your life in a way that suggests they’ve all been sued at least once before. But then…

They stop talking about it. Kyle’s all, “Speaking of negativity” and brings up that Dorit seemed annoyed at her for trying to help Teddi communicate since PK is the only known “human” who speaks Dorit — and since nobody speaks PK, the translations are useless. Anyway, Kyle can’t understand why Dorit is fine with LVP butting into the Teddi conversation, but not fine with her doing it. Dorit jokes hilariously that she “loves [Lisa] more than I love you.” Kyle’s eyes start welling like a toddler who just got told she couldn’t have the M&Ms she was promised, and she says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Then, the bombshell: “I just feel like you guys have decided to gang up on me or something.”

Lisa Vanderpump stands up in the middle of dinner, rips her bag off the seat, and says she’s leaving, striped seabass completely untouched. Dorit and Kyle are stunned, quickly assess, “She’s mad because you’re talking to me and not her,” and get up to go after Lisa. Now, that’s actually kind of an astute observation, but while Kyle and Dorit want to boil it down to just Lisa not getting enough attention, I think it really is about her wanting them to be more excited for her that this lawsuit that’s been burdening her is now lifted. It’s reasonable to want to celebrate with your friends and be upset when they just start fussing with each other instead. It’s not entirely reasonable to then storm away from the dinner table without explanation, although getting the driver to pull off as you snip out the window, “I’m going home to my husband who would rather spend time with me tonight than you would” is a pretty baller move. (Recap continues on page 2)

It’s on this lovely foundation that all of these women head to Teddi’s beach house: a gorgeous, light-dappled, beachfront five-bedroom property in an extravagantly wealthy area of California that we’re all supposed to pretend is a two-bedroom condo with enough air mattresses for 12 at Panama Beach during a party school’s beach weekend. None of these other dummies have beach houses, so I don’t know what Teddi is so nervous about, although I do relate to her anxieties about wanting everyone to have a good time. So I’m sure she loved it when they all arrived, sat down at her cute kitchen island, started unpacking their food (they really brought potluck, especially Dorit!), and immediately started arguing.

Erika got the full rundown from LVP in the car ride out, where Rinna also FaceTimed in. I’m enjoying easy breezy momager Rinna and all her teenager-and-rat wranglin’, but she’s really on a whole different plane this season; I think this is the third group function she’s FaceTimed into. But, hey, somebody’s got to play Billie the Stripper-Druggie-Soldier-Spy on Days of Our Lives, and if it’s not going to be that other actress who played her, or that other actress who played her, I guess it’s going to be Rinna. Erika and LVP arrive, gushing about Teddi’s cute house. Then Kyle and Dorit arrive much later than expected, with Dorit acting like she just had to reenact the plot of Human Centipede in the back of the limo during a ride she describes as “the worst experience [she’s] ever had, literally.”

Suddenly, things get a little chilly. Lisa brings up that Dorit and Kyle are late now, like they were late to dinner the other night, so now the cards are on the table that they need to talk about. Lucky Teddi and Erika get to sit there nervously while the queen bees go back and forth about which thing Lisa was really upset about: Is it that she felt her big news was brushed aside, like she says it is? Or is it that “maybe you didn’t like that it wasn’t about you for a minute,” like Kyle says it is? Or is it very obviously about Kyle feeling left out by Lisa and Dorit, and Lisa wanting more attention from both of them (and Dorit just being thrilled to somehow be standing calmly in the eye of this storm circling around her)?

When they go out onto the beautiful, calm beach where beautiful, calm Camille has just arrived, the topic is raised again with perhaps a little more clarity. Lisa didn’t like that Kyle said she and Dorit were plotting against her, and Kyle doesn’t like that Lisa has apparently been more open with Dorit about her childhood in recent weeks when Kyle has always been so open with her, saying to Lisa — I kid you not — “I’ve been your friend longer!” Somehow, this is what actually registers with Lisa, and she says their friendship is too important to get caught up on this misunderstanding. Lisa tells Kyle that she’s sorry if she was unfair to her and requests an apology in return for Kyle suggesting that Lisa was plotting against her. It’s given, and RHOBH’s strongest — yet somehow most precarious — friendship is restored.

When Kyle gets out of her chair to go get more wine, Lisa immediately gets up and steals it because it’s more comfortable. And all was right in the world.