It's PK's birthday, and Dorit will lie if she wants to (lie if she wants to)
Credit: Bravo

She was doing so well. To be fair, the bar for Dorit’s behavior is very low, and I am a sucker for anyone being surprised by loved ones who’ve come from far away. So even if it’s a loose doorknob from a clown house such as PK who’s the one being surprised, I’mma enjoy it. Loving her husband a lot is a good look for Dorit. It’s Dorit’s only good look. They are two piles of pennies stuck together with gum, yes, but they are two piles of pennies stuck together with gum that found each other, and if you squint hard enough, that’s romantic.

So Dorit went almost the entire episode being a doting wife who wanted to plan a nice party for her husband, and fly his family in, and sing him a sexy little song with his best friend Boy George, and for the first time this season, she was…sort of fine. And then she had to go and ruin that nice party by screaming about glassware again and telling her second boldfaced lie of the season. So the question must be asked: Does Dorit truly believe she hasn’t done anything wrong every time she insists she hasn’t done something wrong? Did she really convince herself that the meeting was at 4:30? Does she really not recall talking incessantly to anyone who would listen at Teddi’s party about how she just had to get the appropriate glassware?

The worst part about all of it is that it’s infuriating to have to talk about something so dumb, but also impossible not to. Like when you’re doing something awful like Whole30, that you know other people don’t want to hear about…but it’s the only thing you can think to talk about because you haven’t eaten a carb in 30 days and it’s so awful. (Everything’s fine, I’m fine.) I feel like these season 8 recaps have been entirely about Dorit, and I’ve barely even gotten to mention things like Erika’s weird current obsession with $7,000 t-shirts or how Lisa Rinna has an ongoing rat infestation in her house, or how Ken constantly looks like he could topple over at any moment.

But alas, we watch and recap the RHOBH we’re given, and the RHOBH we’re given tonight is almost entirely about Dorit and her quest to throw PK his first ever birthday party even though they’ve been in some pleather-covered parasitic relationship for like eight years. A few other random but pleasant things do happen, like Kyle and Erika going shopping at the boutique that inspired Julia Roberts’ epic “Big mistake — huge” line, and Erika saying of her rags-to-riches story, “Motherf—er, I am Pretty Woman, let’s be very serious.” Lisa Rinna is excited for guest stints on The Middle and Days of Our Lives — which she exclusively calls “Days” — and to hawk her dusters on QVC.

Most importantly, Lisa Vanderpump invites Teddi out for a day of riding horses, and after Ken has toddled up to join them with a tray of tea, Teddi’s spa party comes up. Teddi mentions that she wishes she had left the party feeling like she wanted to invite all the ladies to her beach house that’s about to be freed up for the fall, but she doesn’t feel like she can be herself around certain people: “I don’t like feeling like I have to be something else to make other people feel comfortable.” Apparently her oceanfront property in Orange County has a few rooms with twin beds in them and she thinks that the woman who was all out of sorts at her spa party because she was served rosé in a champagne glass might not be comfortable with that. Lisa Vanderpump is basically like, Pish posh, let me come to your damn beach house! But Teddi won’t tell her who it was kicking up a fuss… (Recap continues on page 2)

So, naturally, when LVP goes to help Dorit plan out the layout of PK’s party — don’t think I didn’t notice that last week’s sketches showed an extravagant and ridiculously sized yacht, and what we have here is a (very, very nice) dinner cruise boat — she immediately mentions that someone made Teddi uncomfortable by complaining about the glassware provisions at her spa party. Dorit is all, Noooooo, that was me, but she wouldn’t be! She couldn’t be! She can’t think I’m high maintenance just because of one, single, little 60-minute complaint about glass etiquette!

Now, here’s the thing: Teddi is correct that Dorit is an intolerable, pretentious, liar. But Teddi also can’t keep harping on how she’s just a cool casual chick who wants to be able to have a laid-back time at all of her million-dollar homes because…well, if that were the case, she wouldn’t be hanging out with these women. And if that is the case, and she keeps reminding us it’s the case, then the contract seams of her being forced to hang out with them are going to start showing, and that’s never fun. So, Teddi can have this beach trip, and she can be accountable for her actions, or whatever, but she can’t be upset if everyone doesn’t bring a covered dish to her potluck. Them’s just the breaks.

Finally, after Dorit has learned to sexy-dance from Erika because Boy George wants them to perform “Fever” together for PK, it’s time for his 50th birthday party. There’s a caviar, there’s a casino, there’s champagne, there’s PK’s sweet parents and his shockingly handsome brother waiting to surprise him. It’s all enough to almost forget that PK spent the majority of his 2016 talking about Erika’s vagina with his terror of a wife. Everyone looks completely glamorous, and I relished hearing LVP talk about how she’d gotten her fur wrap for $75. Is it possible that Lisa and I both get all of our furs on ASOS? I did not relish having to watch Dorit use her sultry voice to sing “Fever” to PK, but whatever, she did fine, and perhaps it was all worth it to see Erika go full Toddlers & Tiaras mom, miming all the dance moves they planned from the audience.

And just when I thought, Wow, watching PK’s birth and continued existence be celebrated was not the worst thing I’ve ever experienced…Dorit happened. At her husband’s nice birthday party that she planned and is having a great time at, she pulls Teddi aside to ask her why she’s so offended by Dorit’s desire to use the right glass. And things are almost fine — Dorit is speaking calmly, and Teddi is telling her she just wants her to accept that the way they do things might be a little different. Then, Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump sashay over with their special occasion black-tie pot-stirring spoons.

Lisa starts grabbing glasses off the bar to — honestly, I don’t know what, but Teddi feels like she’s being talked down to. Then Dorit just starts screaming that she’s so sorry she knows etiquette! Dorit says that she only mentioned the glass to the waiter, so Kyle tells her that her feelings clearly registered with Teddi, and Dorit completely flips at Kyle about being Teddi’s mouthpiece. Teddi tells Dorit that it felt to her like she could only talk about getting the wrong glass, which is exactly right, and Dorit responds: “You’re flat-out not only exaggerating, you’re lying! You’re making s— up!

Now, a moment of silence for the RHOBH editors, whom we do not deserve. These BAMFs cut over to Erika, Rinna, and Camille completely unaware of what’s happening, talking about what a nice evening it’s been, and — I kid you not — saying of Dorit, “She was calmer and more grounded than I’ve ever seen her,” just as the scene cuts back to here screaming at Teddi, “YOU’RE PSYCHO!” Teddi…just starts laughing? And then Teddi asks if they can just be over it, and Dorit tells her not “if you keep acting like a psycho bitch”…and then they hug? It’s all confusing; luckily, Kyle puts it plainly: “No, [Teddi’s] not fine. And Dorit’s not going to shut up about it.” But I am.