Dorit's apology tour features 0.5 apologies and more searching-for-the-right-glass drama than Cinderella
Credit: Bravo

Tuesday’s episode of RHOBH started out great, and by great, I of course mean completely bonkers. Within the first 30 seconds, Lisa Vanderpump’s Head of Precious Doggo Recruitment, John (who seems like a very competent employee, which is confusing) explains the appearance of two tiny pups by simply saying “Hoarder”; Ken promptly plops one of those dogs inside his dress shirt; they briefly discuss dog cloning; then Lisa naturally segues by saying, “Anyway, let’s talk about the lawsuit.” First! Fifty! Seconds! Only in Beverly Hills, baby.

All that’s to say that things rapidly decline the moment Dorit and the tiki hut wig she borrowed from NeNe step onto the scene. But let’s live in this peaceful Dorit-less bliss for a moment while we talk about the most important question on the docket, and no, it’s now that lawsuit. What is happening with Ken putting these dogs in his shirt?

Ken walks into Vanderpump Dogs, is handed a dog, and begins unbuttoning his shirt before he can even look at the thing. You know how sometimes you suddenly find yourself inside the house, and you don’t even remember putting your car in park or unlocking your door because it’s all such an automatic process? That’s how Ken is about depositing tiny dogs into his button-downs. Is it like skin-to-skin time with newborns? Does Ken think he gave birth to these dogs? Does he think they’re all newborn puppies just because they’re tiny? Would he put a full grown Labrador in there? Can you really clone a dog? What’s happening.

Now on to far less important things. All cards on the table, the scene with Dorit and Erika looking at cars that you can apparently open every crevice of like a Hot Wheels wasn’t awful, if only because Dorit made the logical decision of not spending $3 million she doesn’t have on a car PK couldn’t pull off. Dorit seems to kind of take on the personality of whoever she happens to be with at the moment, as evidenced by her sympathy accent with PK, and tears immediately bursting from her eyeballs the moment Kyle’s voice started shaking when talking about her sisters last week. So hanging out with Erika now that they can stand each other is about the most decent look I can imagine for her (not literally — all their fancy sweatsuits with heels look insane).

But I swear, if she had spent $3 million on a Pagani, I would have lost my mind. PK’s 50th birthday is coming up, you see, and Dorit wants to make it special because he’s “never ever, ever, ever had anyone plan a party for him in his entire life.” Haven’t they been together for, like…a while? The least she could have done is whip up a few vats of “Moroccan Surprise” that he loves so much and invite all his friends (Boy George) over at some point. But why do that when you could rent out a yacht and show everyone how CrRrRrrrrazy over the top you are? Can’t wait!

I also kind of can’t wait to see what Kyle’s show American Woman is all about. The clip we got tonight didn’t exactly convince me that it’s going to be Big/Little (Kathy) Lies or anything, but it’s pretty cool that she’s gotten this show made at all, that it’s airing on an actual network, and that it’s filming on a Warner Brothers lot that Kim and Kyle filmed on as children. (I also loved seeing all those women in the editing room.) That level of accomplishment makes it even sadder that her sisters can’t be supportive of her, but those Richards girls always claw their way back from the bottom, don’t they? (Recap continues on page 2)

And in the meantime, Kyle has ol’ trusty Lisa Vanderpump to wreak psychological warfare on her instead. Kyle brings her adorable giant dog to Lisa’s pink puppy palace to get groomed, but Lisa purposefully didn’t book her an appointment; not so she could mess with her by making her wash the dog herself, like she says, but very obviously it’s all so she can make this joke: “I just wanted to see her get down on all fours and do the dirty work…not that it would be the first time, I’m sure!” Sex jokes!

As you can imagine, there’s water flying, and Kyle screaming, and blowdryers blowing — it’s a regular Charlie Chaplin good time. But if you’re looking for a real comedy duo, just get ahold of the first live sighting of Harry Hamlin this season, wearing a puka shell necklace and teasing his wife about how she says she casts protective bubbles over her daughters like some kind of Bella-from-Twilight knockoff. I mean, certain parts of her haven’t aged in like three decades, so maybe she is a vampire…

But those are conspiracy theories for another time, because it’s time to get your mirror out and watch as your face slowly melts off while you listen to Teddi and Dorit argue about tardiness. Now, listen, it’s annoying on both sides. But Teddi is so obviously in the right here, and when Dorit trills, “Do you really think I believed it was 4 o’clock and am lying and saying 4:30?” Teddi says she just doesn’t know. I, however, run up to my roof and scream “YEEEEEES IIIIIII DOOOOOO” so loudly and with such conviction I truly believe Dorit could have heard me 3,000 miles away, under whatever thick curtain of Sia hair she bought on eBay most recently.

Dorit repeatedly says that she just wants to be done with it but finds it impossible to simply apologize for being what would have been, at minimum, 40 minutes late (we’ve all done the math, sweetie!) and more truthfully 90 minutes late. I haven’t mentioned that all of this is happening in advance of the “Glam Circle” party that Teddi is completely-willingly-and-not-at-all-contractually throwing at her house to thank the women for taking her to Vegas. She says she’s not much of a host, but she brought her party planner in, and she’s got everything you would never really have thought of, but sure, are happy to see: a DIY flower crown station, a make-your-own-terrarium station, massage tables, facials, and most importantly, free booze.

The moment Dorit walks in for their pre-party chat and asks for a glass of rosé, she condescendingly says, “I love how I got it in a champagne glass.” Do you, Dorit? Do you love it? She then informs Teddi that, of course, she won’t be letting Teddi’s aesthetician touch her face, because she just can’t trust anyone but her own people — which, maybe, but just don’t mention it. Just don’t mention anything, Dorit! No talking about glass etiquette for 20 seconds! This is where I state for the record that yes, I once agreed with Dorit that “you wouldn’t eat soup with a fork” and you shouldn’t drink champagne out of wine glass, but that’s in your own home. I’m a bit of an etiquette fiend myself, but only when I’m hosting. When someone else is offering me free champagne and facials, I’ll drink it out of their unlikely bounty of terrarium globes if they want me to. ‘Cause I’m a gotdang LADY.

Finally, Dorit decides to address calling Camille the c-word by putting her face directly over Camille’s while she’s getting a massage and saying, “Camille, oh my goooood.” Camille looks like she’s ready to snap Dorit like a portable massage table, but she sits up and listens to the following, uh…statement: “It was a silly moment and a silly joke. But I know when I’m wrong and if I’ve hurt someone, ever, as a cause of my actions, I’m the first one to say I’m so sorry.” Nothing like being apologized to by someone telling you what a good apologizer they are. This half-apology concludes Dorit’s Apology Tour, she says, and this wailing cry of anguish concludes this recap, I say: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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