January 17, 2018 at 12:19 AM EST

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

TV Show
Reality TV
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Just change the name of this show to Real Housewives in Restaurants Giving Rumors — Dames in Diners Getting Dishy…Gals in Gourmet Shops Getting Gossip…should I stop?—because for an entire hour on Tuesday night, the cast of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is just putting on statement lipstick, sitting down at restaurant tables, ordering some spicy-margarita-and-chunky-guacamole variant, and talking non-stop s— about each other.

It’s incredible how much I don’t want the debate over whether or not Dorit was a forgivable amount of time late, or an unforgivable amount of time late to be a story line for the rest of the season. And yet…it gives me such ample opportunity to practice one of most beloved pastimes: going off on Dorit, who is the stone-cold worst. As someone who knows that one of my worst qualities is that I’m frequently a little bit late, I can tell you that the very worst thing you can do when you are running late is lie about it. Just shoot ’em that text: Sorry girl, I’m running 15 minutes behind, first round’s on me, and maybe a GIF of some otters stacking cups or something.

Don’t say you’re going to be 10 minutes late if you’re going to be 20 minutes late, and don’t say you were 6 minutes late when you were 54 minutes late before Teddi hit you with the Smell Ya L8r. DEFINITELY don’t tell it to Kyle, who will run and tell that — and maybe make an entire show about it on a network you’ve never heard of — faster than you can dodge an alleged quivering shove from Ken Vanderpump. Ugh, and look at me go: already going on and on about the one thing I’m dreading hearing about for the next 122 episodes of season 8. But I just can’t help myself. Let’s sit down to 10 different dinners to discuss it in full, shall we?

The only Housewife who doesn’t sit down to a meal exclusively to gossip about her co-workers is Erika. She does go to lunch with Kyle, but she simply raves about her time in Tokyo with Lisa Rinna, and then tells Kyle that her husband, Mr. Girardi, was in a car accident and broke his ankle. She says repeatedly that he’s fine and it could have been much worse, but her husband is 79, and she’s clearly shaken. Later when she talks about it with her OTP Mikey, she says, “For the first time I had to check myself. I thought, ‘Hm, one day you’re going to be here alone…Are you going to be able to stand on your own two feet? Is your life going to change?” It really puts the important things in life into perspective…

Dorit’s making bikinis, y’aaaaall! We’ve heard tale of Dorit’s swimwear line, which was apparently called Dorit International for the five years that she ran it, and “on the cusp of going to the next level,” Dorit says. “Then I met PK, and he wanted me to let go of the swimwear company so that we could start a family — and that’s what I did.” This line combines the two most charming aspects of the Kemsleys: his gross and obvious misogyny, and her complete inability to take ownership of her own decisions and actions. And if you thought listening to Dorit’s normal voice was maddening, just you wait until she’s emphasizing every word, while explaining that her new line will be called Naaaaava Swimwear, which means beeeeeautiful in Hebrew, and is also Phoeeeeenix’s middle name.

But learning about Dorit’s fashion background has led me to one wonderful discovery, for which I will be eternally grateful. While googling “Dorit International,” I found something even more startling than Dorit’s former fresh-faced look and barrel curls: the tagline for Dorit International was — I kid you not — “Looking good should be effortless.” EFFORTLESS! Dorit! I am not exaggerating when I tell you that in my episode notes, prompted by those purple thigh-highs coupled only with a men’s dress shirt and blunt bob like some sort of Risky Business nightmare, I went on a 200-word tirade about Dorit’s epic thirstiness that I will summarize to you only with the final line, unedited: Dorit thinks she oozes excess, but she only oozes effort.

Dorit, if you’re reading this, you can have that tagline for your new swimwear line for the low, low price of never bringing PK onscreen again.

Alright, let’s detox with some puppies. Lisa Vanderpump has started the Vanderpump Dog Rescue Foundation, which is lovely and noble, and I have nothing snotty to say about it. All snottiness comes from the editors when someone drops off a puppy LVP proclaims to resemble her husband, and the editors put their two photos side by side, one labeled “Stray Dog,” and the other labeled “Ken.” Lisa casually mentions that last season she and Ken were working with an organization called “Saving Spot,” but they decided to open their own rescue center instead because, “Things were a little sketchy, shall we say.” Put that in your back pocket… (Recap continues on page 2)

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